Lyfe: 2008

Ugh

2009-01-09T12:13:00.003-04:00

After all that emotional escapes in 2008, I really wanted to start new and get away from even being in that mode for 09.

Blah blah blah... so I've started a new blog that I hope is not influenced by the old.

So instead of me being here... I'm now HERE.

Hope I see you!!!

2009 Approaches ...

2008-12-31T09:05:00.003-04:00

Well today is the last day of 2008. A year that really tried to beat the life out of me. And is still trying to up to this last day. I was looking forward very much to the end of this year. Not only because I was ready to get rid of the end of 08 but because I would be spending it at home in Tobago. But as usual I don't ever get things to work out as I wanted.

I have this psychic power that I need to tap into more at times cause I surely saw this coming since Sunday. I tried so much not to fall into the hole that started to open then, but I guess regardless of how u try, what's destined for you happens.

So the New Year is quickly approaching and I had hoped to ring it in happy, with the people that have helped me through 2008 in a positive light. It won't be so. Lol. What can I say, I can't control everything can I? And me trying to resolve things usually end up in me creating more unnecessary happenings.

Here's to everyone having a Prosperous New Year. I pray that things good will be in abundance for all. It seems like even my 2009 will be a totally different year than I expected, but I have to roll with the punches.

Have a good one!!

How Stupid of Me!

2008-12-29T00:37:00.003-04:00

How stupid of me to think that I could get through the rest of 2008 quietly and happy. I have no idea why dumb thoughts get into my head and fool me into believing them. Obviously I have a serious problem.

Steups!!!

Countdown Time

2008-12-12T22:07:00.000-04:00

Create your countdown widget and more at Blixy.com!

2008-11-20T12:40:00.003-04:00

It's been so hard these days to come on here and write something. Writting anything in fact has become hard for me. I start then i stop, and that's it. I've become a blender in the past couple months. Like an iguana just fitting into my surroundings. Along with a heavy bout of Laziness, i've put my thoughts and emotions on the back burner and just waiting for the year to end.

Everybody in every form and every point knows that I have ALL intentions of making 2009 my year. A year for a lot of ME things happeneing. And I'm really really excited about it. So I plan to just breeze through the rest of 2008. What, we have 6 more weeks? 7? I already have big plans to ring in 2009 God's willing.

My posting is therefore not going to improve in the next coming weeks. Finals are coming up also so it will be even more hectic. So thanks for still checking in on me folks. But look out for more things for 2009. And I hope you are having a some good days in all the mellee that is life.

Single Sisters

2008-10-25T23:01:00.001-04:00

Yunno that new song by Beyonce that makes single sisters want to shout out the hook line "If you like it then you should have put a ring on it"? Here's the better version:

I hate Florida...

2008-10-25T21:45:00.003-04:00

for the simple fact that I don't get to do anything I would like to do. Steups. Yunno how long I want to go take a drive down to south beach. In fact I was giving the sweet talk that I was gonna get that opportunity when I returned in July but as usual Penze does get push in the back corner.

What I really hate about it is that things are going on that I would like to do. Not even partying. Miami fashion week was last week and I would have loved to be down there. But, who I was going with and how was I going? Steups. I dunno how I'm suppose to just sit here and watch everyone aound me do their thing and I suppose to be happy about it.

My time soon come though. Somebody will wanna do things with me SOON!! :-)

I have a feeling

2008-10-25T11:57:00.000-04:00

somethings are not going to go as planned anymore.

Steups

2008-10-24T22:37:00.002-04:00

I am so disappointed in myself tonight it's not funny. I ended back up in a place tonight I promised myself a few months ago that I will never go back. I know how I ended back there tonight and I'm upset that I let it go there. I tried really hard to let it ease by, but I have this stupid gene that thinks I can talk things through with people and they would actually listen to what I'm saying and try to understand.

I know that it was heading into this from early. A few months back I decided to hold my emotions. It surely doesn't make sense to me to get upset about things anymore. When it came down to the long run, the only person that was upset and bothered was me. Everyone else carried on with their joyful lives as usual while I was there sitting sad and worried about how everyone else was feeling. I also decided to just adjust to things. Whatever people throw at me I'll switch to suit. If they want to throw acid in my eye ok, they just better cover theirs. It has come down to a "If you can't beat them, join em". If people choose to treat me a certain way, I'm going to do the same. If you could do this then I can too. And this was working great for me.. until tonight.

I really tried to take it and continue, but you surely know that when something is not in your nature you can't really fake it. Im upset though and I hope this doesn't set me back into the ranges that I have been in for the past few months cause I can't go back there. I've worked too hard to get out of that funk to fall back into it so quickly. Where is 2009???

Miami Carnival 2k8

2008-10-22T11:09:00.005-04:00

So Miami Carnival was a few weeks ago. I am still recovering. You would swear that I partied every night for all six nights eh. Lol. I'm not that much of a fete person really for carnival. I like the fetes yes but my main thing, my excitement, the ultimate experience for me is PARADE. So my excitement was to get on the road on Sunday and have a time.

But things weren't looming bright for me or us as the days were getting closer. I played with Vibrationzz in Oshun. And up to Saturday night no oshun costume was out for distribution. Having some proper breasts, I was concerned about how my bra was going to fit and with this dilema concerned that I had no time to get reinforcements. We got our costumes on Sunday morning. Preshha. And it was down to some serious doctoring. I hate real plenty things on my costume. I am a naked girl. I don't like things to scratch me, tickle me, get in my way. NOTHING. So with scissors in hand we adjusted bra, belt, panty... lol. We proper became last minute seamstresses. After the doing up and stuff we headed down to Miami to Jam on the road. A few delays and we eventually got with our band to have a time. Words cannot describe. This was a much needed release. MUCH NEEDED.

A good time was had on the road and here are the pics to show it..

Bring it on!!!

2008-10-22T10:47:00.004-04:00

I am so excited for December to get here. 2008 has been my Murphy Law year. What can go wrong has. It really has been some emotionally filled months to the highest level and I'm ready for it to be over with and heading into a hopefully better year of 2009. 2009 I have a loooot of plans that I want to accomplish or put into motion. 2008 has changed me a lot. I look at things much differently. My expectations have changed, my goals have adjusted. Who I am has changed a lot. And though negative things have had to be experienced for the changes, I'm glad for the changes. Don't get me wrong, who I am hasn't really changed. I refuse to change how I am just because it has prbably caused me some pain. I love how I am. But I have had to adjust how I am to some people to save my own sanity and survive. Some people just don't deserve the full me.

2008 has been a "show yuh colours" year. I've truly seen what people are really made up of. If someone offered me to do over 2008 to get somethings changed, I wouldn't do it though. I'm quite happy that I gained this knowledge about the people I can count on in my life, how they feel about me, and feel about other people. Lol.

So I have some more weeks of school before we get into December. And you can't tell how excited I am for that. How my blood rushes just thinking about it..lol. I pray everyday that '09 is an improvement for me with so many things. I honestly think that it can't get any worse emotionally and I pray it doesn't physically. But lord knows I'm ready for '09. Graduation and all and who knows where the wind is going to blow me after that. I hope it is to a happy place.

Im Baaaaccckkk

2008-10-19T13:44:00.002-04:00

Hey, it's been some weeks. Since I left for my trip to Maryland, which was great by the way, and came back to Florida in the middle of Miami carnival hype and school I have not had the time nor energy to get here. But finally I can.

Maryland was gorgeous, in the day. lol After 7pm I was in the house. If you don't know me you don't know that I abhor cold. I'm the girl in the mall in a jacket because it's too cold. I'm the one asking to turn down the AC in the car because I'm freezing. So you can imagine my behaviour when it went to 50 degrees in the night. I made sure I was inside and had NO intentions of moving, though we made plans a few times to head out...lol. It never happened. DC/Maryland in Fall is the most beautiful thing, and though Florida has its own bush nothing looks like this.

It was quite a refreshing trip that got me away from my normal life for just a few days but definitely reminded me that there is more out there than where I was. And it definitely gave me some ideas for my future.

I came back from Maryland into carnival and that was pure excitement. My very good friend met me for the weekend and we had a ball. I was wishing today was a recap. Good friends, good times as usual. Nothing can beat that. I'll do a full recap of that with pics soon lol.

In the midst of all the fun fun fun, there was still the dooming issues. Sigh. There's a saying that a leopard can't change its stripes and I'm surely seeing that. People can try to do things differently or pretend to but after a while they always go back to what they do.

I don't want this to be a looong welcome back post...lol. And SO much things have happened in teh past week and few days that I have to sort them out before I can make others understand lol. But I'm back and I have some catching up to do both blogging and reading wise....

Off with my Head!!

2008-10-02T11:18:00.002-04:00

Jeez it's been a while hasn't it? School had been so busy for its last week. I had exams, assignments and assignments. Steups. I was so tired and excited that last week. Then I realised that they shortened our time off to one week steups. But I still had master plans in the works so I was excited.

The excitement has been short lived though. Shadowed by me being sick. I've had a headache since Tuesday. Today is what? I don't have normal headaches. My head hurts, I'm nauseous. Noise, smell intensifies. No it's not a migraine. Been there done that. My migraines disappear after a day of heavy medication and sleep. These other headaches, takes DAYS to go. I can't eat because nothing stays down. I wasted a whole meal of Olive Garden yesterday watching it swirl down the toilet after my date with the bowl. AGAIN!! I'm hungry and I can't eat. I've taken 3 days straight of pain killers which has started to affect my stomach. I've had 6 bottles of ginger ale, a box of ginger tea and 100 prayers for God to take my head but leave my brains. I'm heading on a little vacation and all the excitement is overshadowed by the fact that this nagging headache is STILL here and NOT easing up. I can't take anymore medication. I will be overdosing so I just have to sit here and continue through day four and hope that this eases up and try to enjoy things as much as I can.

And I am leaving everything behind. This trip is to be a refresh me time. No phone, no lappy (dies). So have a good weekend folks, and a good next week. I come back in full flow of things when i return. School starts back and Miami carnival. Yea me!! I pray that this headache goes with a change of location. With my luck I'll be back headless!!

Uh Hmm

2008-09-21T19:59:00.002-04:00

I have so much to say, I don't even know how to say it or where to start. But I need to get things out. Someway, somehow to someone sometime. Sigh

But I'm looking forward to this week since it is my last week of school for a bit. BIT = 2 weeks. And by all records all my hard work is going to pay off and keep my GPA PERFECT *crosses fingers*. And I plan to celebrate this weekend in some form. I also need to get some mace. or pepper spray...lol... a girl alone needs protection from weirdos at wee hours in the morning, even if they professing love. lol!

The past weekend was eventful for the most part. Friday being quite an opener for me and has lead me to rethink how I do a lot of things. Lyfe eh, it just throws you curve balls over and over. Just as you ready to settle down to something comfortable, something comes and punches a hole in your theory.

Yeaaa

2008-09-18T19:10:00.001-04:00

So I've found a subscription service that seems to be working well. So if you're still interested in subscribing you can do that over 'yaso ---->. Just enter your email and BINGO!!!

Grabs Dress and Runs up to Podium

2008-09-17T17:48:00.007-04:00

Yeaaaa me... I got an award!!! The author of my laugh for the day blog: Scene presented me with a nice little thingie. You seeing it over there? All shiny. It's a Brilliant WebLog Award!! And it made me smile!! THANK YOU SCENE!!

Now I have to nominate 7 other blogs I think need to get this award (in no specific order):
1. She Reads and Writes
2. Laughing Gull
3. Trini Angie
4. Tears Dry on their own *wink*
5. Cranky Putz

I could only do five since my other 2 for my list Ranting and Ramblings and Wuzdescene already got awards!! Yeaaa!!

I just threw up in my mouth!!

2008-09-17T17:48:00.002-04:00

Why do men do all they can to get with a woman; wine her and dine her. Then when they "get" her they forget all those things and treat the woman like leftovers, AND want to get upset when she starts to go to someone who wants to wine her and dine her?

Anyway I came to tell a story. So I happened to have to go to CVS for something. I AM a CVS and Walgreens junkie though. I can spend hours in those places. It relaxes me. But this story isn't about CVS and my habits.

A few days back Scene spoke about men and dey nastiness, then GirlBlue talk about women and dey nastiness. We wasn't too sure who was nastier: Women or de Men. But I feel I have the winner here.

As I mentioned I went to CVS the other night and parked the truck on the side in a spot that was in the light and in a clear space. It was almost 10 pm and is me one, I parking safe especially since I did not see any police around. I went into CVS spent my time then headed out. By the time I was out and heading to my vehicle, there was another vehicle parked face in (facing the main road too). And the vehicle was like bouncing a little. My thoughts were ok, music must be nice. I get to my van, open the door and jump up to sit. Habit I guess, made me look over. Well it would be down in this case because the van was taller than the car.

What do I see but Mr. Man and his hand and his PENIS having a party in his car. EWWWW!! I mean, real hot, sweaty party too eh. Like they both were inebriated. Mr man ent even realise I pass by and open mi door, party was too much for him. I pump mi starter, thank god I backed in , and pulled out.

I driving up the road so fast I coudda get a ticket. If the police had pulled me over I was telling them exactly what happened. But Mr. Mexican real good. You think he was in a desperate situation and just had to pull over? But why pull into a space that has a car already next to it when the rest of the parking lot was empty? Why face the road? Was he watching someone specific? Police usually at that CVS, where the hell they was tonight? Suppose Mr. Man had seen me and decided he wanted me to join the party? All kind of ideas pop up in my head.

So who really nastier though? You think a woman going to feel the urge and pull over by a CVS and have a party with her vagina? Doh kill me here!!!!!!!!!!

Clues that your partner is cheating.

2008-09-15T15:30:00.004-04:00

On my break today from doing my bin load of work I found this in my email. Lol. I'm not even sure how it got there. I bolded the ones I found quite hilarious AND the ones I think may be tell tale signs. Sex has been alternated for my safety...Lmao.

Signs of a Cheating Spouse:

1) You find birth-control pills in her medicine cabinet, and you've had a vasectomy. This one made me spit out my juice!!!

2) Mutual friends start acting strangely toward you. (They either know about the cheating or have been told stories about what a horrible wife or girlfriend you are.)

3) Your cheating husband or wife stops confiding in you and seeking advice from you.

4) Sets up a new e-mail account and doesn't tell you about it.

5) He leaves the house in the morning smelling like Irish Spring and returns in the evening smelling like Safeguard.

6) She joins the gym and begins a rigorous workout program.

7) She buys a cell phone and doesn't let you know.

8) He sets up a separate cell phone account that is billed to his office.

9) The cheating husband carries condoms, and you are on the pill.

10) Begins to delete all incoming phone calls from the caller ID. And text hmmm

11) Deletes all incoming e-mails when they used to accumulate.

12) He becomes "accusatory," asking if you are being true to him, usually out of guilt.

13) Raises hypothetical questions such as, "Do you think it's possible to love more than one person at a time?"

14) He buys himself new underwear.

15) He insists the child seat, toys, etc., are kept out of his car.

16) The cheating wife stops wearing her wedding ring.

17) Has a sudden desire to be helpful with the laundry.

18) Has unexplained scratches or bruises on his or her neck or back.

19) Suddenly wants to try new love techniques.

20) He/she fairly suddenly stops having sex with you.

21) He/she suddenly wants more sex, more often.

22) Supposedly works a lot of overtime, but it never shows up on the pay stub.

23) Picks fights in order to stomp out of the house.

24) You find out by accident he or she took vacation day or personal time off from work - but supposedly worked on those days.

25) Shows a sudden interest in a different type of music.

26) Spouse's co-workers are uncomfortable in your presence.

27) Has a sudden preoccupation with his or her appearance.

28) Spends an excessive amount of time on the computer, especially after you have gone to bed.

29) He throws up a lot because he just ate at his mistress's house and had to eat the dinner you prepared when he got home. LMFAO!!!!

30) Your spouse is away from home, either nights or on trips, more than previously.

31) His/her clothes smell of an unfamiliar perfume or after-shave. You see lipstick on your husband's shirt.

32) The amount of money being deposited into your checking account drops off.

33) You find items of intimate apparel or other small gift-type items that you did not give your spouse.

34) Your spouse seems less comfortable around you and is "touchy" and easily moved to anger.

35) You get calls where the caller hangs up when he or she hears your voice.

36) He/she loses attention in the activities in the home.

37) Your intuition (gut feeling) tells you that something is not right.

38) He/she has a definite change in attitude towards everyone in the home.

39) She uses a low voice or whisper on the phone or hangs up quickly.

40) She has a "glow" about her.

41) Atypical erratic behavior.

42) He sneaks out of the house.

43) She sleeps with her purse by the bed. Why???

44) She goes to the store for groceries and comes home 5 hours later. ROFL!!!

45) He tells you that you can get hold of him at a different telephone number.

46) The telltale sign of a cheating spouse? Having to ask that question in the first place.

Apparently this was a list compiled by a well used extramarital affair counselor. Why do I find this list funny I don't know...

Subscribers

2008-09-11T11:59:00.002-04:00

I know I have a few people who subscribe to the blog getting emails whenever I update. I'll be stopping that for a bit until I find one that works properly and doesn't send updates more than once. So for a few days you may have to actually visit the blog if you want to know what's going on. Sorrryyy!!

Your Reputation

2008-09-11T11:35:00.003-04:00

Thursday September 11th 2008

Good Morning,

Your reputation is very important! Whether you know it or not...YOU ARE A BRAND!!! .... Protect your name ... There's a reason why you reach for Heinz ketchup and other great products or brands ... QUALITY AND REPUTATION ... YOUR REPUTATION is worth more than money or position ... Your reputation is what produces continuous blessings ...(Remember this) ... The scripture says ... A good name is to be chosen rather than great riches, and loving favor rather than silver and gold... -Proverbs 22 and verse 1 .

God Is Love

Rev Run

Pleasure and Pain

2008-09-10T13:21:00.004-04:00

112's album 112 is an old favourite of mine that I dug up a few weeks ago. This album is an emptiome of my life right now. My wants, my needs, my hopes, fantasies. And probably what I'll never get if I continue the way things are now lol. Listening to these songs makes me realise (though it's only in song) that some people do think of life and love like I do. And makes me think even more if I am suppose to give up what I want and how I want my life and the type of experiences I want to have just to be able to survive. Or do I go searching for my expectations? I understand that some things may be far fetched or out of my reach of happening but why must all of it be just dreams? Why must I be the one to not experience these things? Some people get to live how they want don't they? And I'm not even talking about material things. I don't think I can loose being the over caring, adventurous, loving, passionate girl that I am and I can't see me being me if I do.

Anyhoo... here's one of my songs for you!!

You always said you loved me
Though my mind's right now not sure
You've always been there for me
Though my heart never feels secure
Why can't you take a further step
To let me know you really care
Cuz now I'm feeling driven
Into a love that's not right there

[Chorus:]
Why do you make me feel this way
Feeling betrayed, feeling pushed away
Why do you make me feel so bad
Feeling so hurt, feeling so sad
What have I done to make you turn
I'm feeling so lost, I'm feeling so burned
If you really cared you'd make a change
So I could feel the pleasure and not the pain

After all I've said
You still have it set in your head
That you don't really care about me
Why can't you seem to believe
That I'm the only one for you
I gave all my love to you
And after all I've done for you
You never say that you love me
The way that I love you

[Chorus]

I feel all the pain, hurt so bad, feel so sad
It hurts so bad, it hurts so bad
I just can't take no more baby
make a change
So I can feel the pleasure and not the pain

- Pleasure And Pain, 112

Yippee

2008-09-10T12:49:00.002-04:00

After all the studying and stressing, and people ignoring me on msn because they want me to study. After all the good luck texts, and prayers and wishes and hugs and kisses. To turn around to get smiles and words of congratulations, and hugs and kisses and a freaking A+ in the hardest exam we had in Sys Admin to date. I'm ecstatic. I was sooo stressed out before that my friends had to calm me down on my way to the exam. Yesterday didn't even start out good and I was worried. But I kicked myself in the ass to get up and atleast work on this. Besides everything else that is going on around me, I was not going to let school get to that level.

Seeing the grade, hearing the congrats even from my teacher who thought everyone was going to get a C. Watching those bitches cheat like there was no tomorrow and the still didn't pass. Twas a good night last night. Well till he decided to keep us there after a two hour exam to go through more dam chapters. 1 more huge exam to go and I'll be able to run a windows server 2k3 environment. Did I mention they just introduced Windows Server 2008??? Uggghhhh

She Devils

2008-08-31T16:51:00.000-04:00

Boy women are some EVIL creatures I tell you. They have the will power of lions when you see they want to do something especially if it's something devious. It's because of females I am weary of online communities. I've had some incidents on myspace, where females starting acting out. I have been banned from that site, unbanned then I decided to just leave. Less drama for me. Plus with the introduction of facebook where most of my friends were, I was happy. Tom could kiss it.

But like my facebook has become blighted too. I made sure and set up my facebook so that only people I know can see me and have the option of adding. If I don't know you or if we aren't friends then you get ignored. I didn't join crackbook to make friends, I was there to reconnect. Anyways, it was easy when it was just limited to schools. Now that it's open to everyone the crazies have come out.

In the past two weeks I have had a plethora of friend requests who have gotten a plethora of "Who are you?" messages. I give them the benefit of he doubt because I know my memory is shoddy and they may be able to make my limited profile list. I've gotten responses, non responses and rude responses. One memorable response was from a girl who's name sounded familiar but I was unsure. I sent the customary message and her response was "You were ahead of me in school, but we don't talk". Ignored. The other experience is what has me writting this today.

A young lady sends me a request. We have NO friends in common, her name is NOT familiar, neither is her face. So I send my generic message., to which her response is: "Are you So by So's girlfriend?" Ah gosh... here we go again. My response, cause I so dam fass,"No I am not". She responds and our little convo continues, because I fass and like to see how things go,..lol

She Devil: Oh. I saw you in some pics with So by So on myspace and I heard you were his girlfriend.
Me: I am in pics with a lot of people
SD: Ok. Well I thought you were his girl friend so I wanted to let you know that So by So and I are hanging out.
Me: (This chick is HILARIOUS). Ok well I'm extremely happy for you guys. But why you wanted to add me anyway if I was So by So girlfriend.
SD: Just so that I could see what you look like.
Me: Rofl... you well fass. Ok... Sorry try another chick in his pics and see if that's his gf.

I tell you. I have some kind of gene that attracts the weirdos. How she get my name though? I wonder if she searched Myspace first. I have no intention of getting banned from facebook too. Lol. They'll have my picture up on the internet soon saying "Cannot register".

I waiting on So by So though. My friends can't ban me. TRUST ME!! The truth always set people free. Lol. I must give chick her props though.

Good Love

2008-08-31T10:46:00.003-04:00

This song was playing on my way home this morning.... and is stuck in my head. I got up with it still singing out. My oldest sister thought she was Anita Baker. She was I guess, but without the voice.

Ah, many days it goes unspoken
But this desire never seems to go away
It's gonna take much more than hope to bring you close
I think I'll pray

I hear you say you've got a lot to give up
And there is so much more this heart of mine can take
If what you have to bring to me is positive you send it right away
Right away

[Chorus I:]
I want to know what good love feels like
Good love, good love
I want a love that's sure to stand the test of time
I want to know what good love feels like
Good love, good love
Morning, noon and night, forever all my life
Good love, good love
Good love, good love
There is a void that stands between us
And it seems it's getting harder to relate
Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine
Life this way

[Chorus II:]
I want to know what good love feels like
Good love, good love
I want a love that's sure to stand the test of time
I want to know what good love feels like
Good love, good love
Hear me when I say, bring it to me baby

Babe, you're the man I hear you say you are
I don't understand why loving me is so hard
Never have I felt the need to be this close
Words cannot say, heaven only knows

- Anita Baker, Good Love.

Funny though. *Goes off humming*

Thank you!!

2008-08-31T10:34:00.003-04:00

There are instances where you really know the people who are in your life. The ones that step up, sometimes in place of the people who suppose to step in. Those that regardless of what make sure that they step correct. Without some of those people I may not be writing this message this morning. I'm surely appreciative of my friends this morning for stepping up when I truly needed it. Life is a weird thing yes. So this song is dedicated to today and for going into a new week.

And I have decided that I am doing the extra effort to take care of myself. Everybody else has been doing it, what's wrong with me. I start today.

Have a great day folks!

Today I realized...

2008-08-29T23:34:00.003-04:00

That as time passes by
Every minute makes a difference.
A difference with what I want to do, what I want to be and who I am
Time defines my future.

You look back at what you thought would be you in the future
And realize that it isn't who you have become.

Today I realized,
After all the smoke clears,
That the explosion has cleared away a few people from around me.
And the people left are the ones who would always be there to protect me.

You look back at who you thought would be in the future
And realize that it isn't who you thought would be there.

Today I realized
That with all the love I have
I loved someone who does not love me back the same, and probably never will

You look back at what you thought you had in the future
And you realize that it isn't what you thought you would have now.

Today I realized
That someone loves me with all their heart out there
And would continue to love me for who I am forever.

You look back at who you thought you had in your future
And you realize that it isn't who you thought would be there.

Today I realized
That I have to live my days by the minute
And not by future plans.

I look back at what I thought and who I thought would be in my life
And I realize that what and who I thought would be there is not there at ALL!

Movie List

2008-08-28T21:13:00.004-04:00

I have a growing list of movies I want to see. I hardly get to see things that I want to. I'm still waiting got see Sex And The City, can you imagine? I either have to wait for it to come on to TV or decide to go to the movies by myself. Something I may really start doing during the day since I'm missing out on movies I want to see just because I have no company.

LakeView Terrace has a cast including Samuel L Jackson, Patrick Wilson (one white guy who I thnk is black) and Kerry Washington. In this movie, an LAPD officer named Abel Turner (Jackson) tries his best to get the interracial couple (Wilson and Washington) out of his neighbourhood. Wilson is a one man neighbourhood patrol and his antics and actions towards the couple forces them to fight back. That one comes out on the 19th of September.

A Family that Preys Together is the newest Tyler Perry movie. The cast includes CKathy Bates, Sanaa Lathan, Tyler Perry and a few others. The tagline for this movie is "The inner workings of two families--one upper-crust and the other working class--that become inextricably linked by scandal." So it's not a Madea movie but seems to still be looking at family, relationships and values. The movie takes two friends whose lives have been thrown into turmoil because of their kids extramarital affairs, unethical business practices and paternity secret. This one is out the 12 of September.

There is one other movie set to be out in September also that I am interested in seeing. It's bit of a mystery, drama movie where a couple seems to be controled by some person they don't know. It reminds me of the Phone Booth done a few years back. Still seems interesting though. I didn't get to catch the name.

What kills me...

2008-08-28T21:02:00.003-04:00

are the days when I'm lonely. It really sucks. I try to spread my work out so that I'm as busy as possible so that my mind doesn't realise I'm alone. Some days it works, other days, like today it doesn't. I talk to my mom about 10 times a day, because she knows I'm lonely and she tries to fill that void, but it doesn't always work, like today. What sucks is that she knows when it's not working, and it makes her so sad. Which gets me even more depressed.

Hopefully this weekend brings some activity into my life. Haven't had any thing fun done since I left Tobago in July. Pathetic huh? I almost got a 60% discount to stay at a five star hotel but hindsight warned me that I would be better off not taking that offer right now. But I'm looking forward to this weekend, I hope I don't get disappointed. But at this stage, I would expect that to happen to me. I'm in DOOM Stage right now anyway. Something good happens to me right now I'll be in shock.

Music

2008-08-26T10:57:00.003-04:00

So I decided to spend a few mins on youtube this morning just searching for things to laugh at. You won't believe the jokes that is on that dam website. Some people have no shame. Or I should say some people rather brave. Anyway I happened to see someone doing a dedication to their dead cat which led me to some 112 videos. I *heart* this group. They sooo need to come back and show Day26 what a boy band is.... Some MUSAIC!!!!

And it just happend to be this song

Tattoo!!

2008-08-25T16:23:00.003-04:00

This weekend would have been the ideal time for me to get my tattoo. I needed it. It would be the ideal thing at the ideal time for me...

Dwennimmen

It's an andikra tribe symbol of Rams horns. A symbol of humility together with strength. The ram will fight fiercely against an adversary, but it also submits humbly to slaughter, emphasizing that even the strong need to be humble.

Fitting don't?

End and Beginning

2008-08-24T20:09:00.002-04:00

So one of my classes end today. It was a good one. Very hectic and up to this point I have an A in the class. This last week's project and discussion took me a while to get to though. I think I will loose points off of my 50 points for discussion for telling another classmate to mind his own business he's not my teacher. This won't be the first time, but they are SO annoying. I cannot stand students who think they know everything because they have experience. Ugghh. And you encounter a lot of those types with my online class since a lot of them are army people who have worked their military field. And we know that the US Army is top of the line with technology.

The individual assignment I was not feeling though. Out of the 125 marks I just need 100 to keep my grade an A. So I hope he does that especially since I added a nice little note to me paper. Lmao! Well that does not take into mind me loosing marks AGAIN for having a none related discussion on the discussion board. Sigh.

A new class starts for me tonight too. And I hate it. Mind you the class has not really started yet. Anyone who knows me knows I HATE to talk. I am an observer and I could write 10 pages of BS for a paper if you want. When you want me to talk is another story. So with that in mind I thought taking a Speech class online would be "I tricked them" moment for me. Ha!! I should have known better with a school that as a feature to check papers against all papers submitted to schools all over the world for plagirism. So this Speech class really has me talking online to my class to present a paper. UGH. I HATE to talk. I talk quickly. My mind moves faster than my mouth and my mouth has to catch up and having braces gives me an additional lisp. And yunno you sound like a goon when using a mic. 3 strikes I'm out!!! Steups....

So from tomorrow I start to work on my speech!

Yesterday...to... Today

2008-08-24T12:07:00.003-04:00

Yesterday was a scary day for me.
I stepped out on a limb that has surely thrown my world into 360 degree change.
Yesterday I seemed to have super powers, and was strong and got through the day strong and determined.
Yesterday....

Today...
Is a whole different story.
Today
I am starting from ground zero. GROUND ZERO.
All boxed up, digging, searching, finding, looking, seeking
Today.. I fight!!
I fight the hurt, the tears, the lost dreams.

So as not to get too drawn into my world of doom, fear, and ache I started a new blog for that.
Something I hope that helps me through this rough period in my life day by day
And keep Lyfe for everything else (I hope other things happen cause things might be a bit slow on this side for a while).

Decisions, Decisions

2008-08-24T02:55:00.003-04:00

So I have four weeks to decide if I am going to return home to TnT and finish my degree online. It's amazing how things happen that can change your life and which direction it's heading to. I have a lot of options to weight out for this decision. Is this best for school experience? Am I going to be better emotionally to continue dealing with school here? But time is ticking and I have to come to some conclusion soon so that I can start to get things in motion if I do decide it's back to Bago for me.

Lord put a hand!!

Damaged

2008-08-24T02:37:00.000-04:00

Do, Do you got a first aid kit handy?
Do, Do you know how to patch up a wound?
Tell me,
Are-are-are-are you?
Are you patient,
Understanding?
Cause I might need some time to clear the hole in my heart and I

I've tried every remedy
And nothing seems to work for me

Baby, (baby)
This situation’s driving me crazy
And I really wanna be your lady
But. I am so

Damaged, damaged
Damaged, damaged
I thought that I should let you know
That my heart is
Damaged, damaged
So damaged (so damaged)

So how you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it?
(Baby, I gotta know)
How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it?
(What you are gonna do, baby?)
How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it?
(Baby, I gotta know)
How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it?
(What you are gonna do?)

Do, Do you got a first aid kit handy?
Do, Do you know how to patch up a wound?
Tell me,
Are-are-are-are you?
Are you patient,
Understanding?
'Cause I might need some time to clear the hole in my heart and I

You try to gain my trust
Talking is not enough
Actions speak louder than words
You gotta show me something
My heart is missing some pieces
I need this puzzle put together again

Can you fix my h-e-a-r-t?
Cause it d-a-m-a-g-e-d?
Can you fix my h-e-a-r-t?

Tell me are you up for the challenge
Cause my heart is

Damaged, damaged
Damaged, damaged
I thought that I should let you know
That my heart is
Damaged, damaged
So damaged (so damaged)

Damaged, damaged
damaged, damaged
I thought that I should let you know
That my heart is
Damaged, damaged
So Damaged (so damaged)

So how you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it?
How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it?
How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it?
How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it?

My heart is
Damaged,
Damaged,
Damaged

My heart is
Damaged,
Damaged,
Damaged

My heart is
Damaged,
Damaged,
Damaged

My heart is
Damaged,
Damaged,
Damaged

My heart is
Damaged

Refix!!

2008-08-24T02:20:00.000-04:00

Mi man go out as him like, come in as him like
Chat pon phone, wid gal all night
Inna mi sight, yuh know dat nuh right
A when mi a talk, a mi him waan fight
True mi nah bite, a gal a get bright
Walk pass true I would a get hype
She seh mi man waan a gal fi give har sitten tight
But when him come seh a mi a Mrs. Right

Mi tell him seh him dun and him a send threat
(Yo pack up yuh clothes and leff)
Mi fraid then I see di bwoy a watch every move weh mi mek
(Mek a run when di eye dem shut)
Black-er di first man mi see hard fi leff
(Yo, him have so much gal a still a fret)
Him nuh care yuh nuh see di bwoy waan come bruk off mi neck
(Sista dem deh bwoy dat yuh nah pet)
Him have woman here, woman there, woman everywhere
Have gal a call mi pon mi phone and mi yard
And a gwaan like him don't care
Him have woman here, woman there, woman everywhere
Have gal a call mi pon mi phone and mi yard
But no disrespect right here
How mi a go get ova him (Tek a next man)
How mi a stop fret ova him (Tek a next man)
Right now yuh know mi stress ova him (Tek a next man)
Bwoy next problem dat mon (Tek a next man)

Grrrr

2008-08-23T12:56:00.002-04:00

I am so freaking upset. Is so upset Im not even close to tears. I'm passed that. I'm like a blasted battered spouse that dunno when shit JUST NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!!! I'm more pissed at me than anything else. WTF Renee!!! Figure it out already!!!

See what happens when I take my medication late. I start thinking straight!!! I swear my intelligence for books and knowledge cancels out any sense I have with everything else that I need to think about!! I seem to have NO SENSE!!

Is it Fair...

2008-08-23T04:02:00.000-04:00

... to give up what I WANT for what I'm getting?

-- to let someone give up on their dreams to fulfill my own?

... to give up my dreams so that someone else can fulfill theirs?

... that I keep crying for actions that I don't do?

-- that I keep getting the same actions that make me cry?

... for me to work so hard on something and for someone to just break it down or don't even try to work on it too?

... to not work and try to get all the dreams you have?

... is it fair to live your life the way someone else wants to?

... for me to give up what I want my life to be like?

Reflections!!!

2008-08-22T21:56:00.004-04:00

Since I've been back in Miami it has been much of a roller coaster ride for me. I came back here with expectations that didn't happen as I hoped it would have. It was quite a blow and is something I have been dealing with day by day since then. In all the hoopla I was very concerned about loosing who I was and becoming something or someone I surely didn't want to be. I loved who I was before and it was really hard for me to see that I seemed to be becoming something else and something I didn't like.

I was pleasantly surprised this week when I was contacted by a good friend of mine who has over the years supported me through some of my own dilemmas as I have supported them through theirs. We met while I was in college over 1oo miles away from where my mother sent me to study. Lol. And it was friends at first sight. We started a classic relationship that by miracles and some kind of pixie dust met up in Miami a few years after and having the same affiliations surprisingly with no planning from us. This is one person who I can say understands Renee and who she is and what she has to offer and respects Renee (why am I talkin about myself in the third person? lol) And I trully appreciate that from them. They got and appreciated both the good sides (the fun loving, travel loving, food, family side) and the bad sides (sick, angry, disappointed side) and I think that's what made us be friends to this level till this time.

Anyways it's funny what makes people appreciate what's in their life. You never know when things can happen that can change your life forever. Over the past few months that has been reiterated heavily in my life. I lost my Uncle earlier in the year, then a friend later and my cousin not a few weeks ago, all suddenly. In between those sessions there have also been deaths of associates, also suddenly.

Now I have never once questioned the feelings for this friendship. Outsiders easily saw that the camraderie there could not be broken. Yesterday said friend was moved to shock over an incident that as a result moved me to almost tears and a few minutes of joy. Our relationship is close to brutal, you know the ones where the third person isn't too sure if to step in to stop the war or that "they just playing"? Thats what we have. So when the conversation was started with just a plain, calm "Hi" my instant reaction was "what happen?" Then I was told about this motorcylce accident that happened. Where people were outside hanging out and this girl and her friend were trying out her new bike. The guy was attempting to show how fast it could go, all the while everybody is just chilling and watching, when they ran into a truck and both were decapitated on the spot. In less than 5 minutes it turned from a lime outside to death. Death!! Comes at some weird times. Anyway friend decided today to let me know that we never know what can happen when and they just needed me to know that they love me and appreciated everything that I have done and who I am. And didn't want it to ever happen that I never heard it from them, even though I may know it.

So by now you're probably wondering what the two have to do with each other right? This feeling of dispair I have and friend's verbal expression of love. I felt so happy hearing that yesterday because I realised that I have not lost who I was. And that I am still appreciated by the people who know who I am. That some people value me for what I'm worth. Where I was questioning if I trully had lost Renee, here was someone who still saw the Renee that I thought I had lost. And I was happy. Not soon after saying that though it was back to the same abusive behaviour that has defined our relationship for the past almost 8 years.

Reflections allow people to see the folks who are important to them. Some people need to reflect more. But it is sometimes too late when reflections take place. Take this time to tell the people you love that you love them and appreciate them and love them. Take the time because you never know when your 5 minutes might change.

2008-08-22T05:07:00.000-04:00

Sometimes it would be nice to have somebody to really sit and talk to who won't want to take apart and criticize what you're saying but listen to what you're feeling in what you're saying. Just someone to sit and talk about how you're feeling today. Sometimes, it would be nice!!

Lyfe!!!

2008-08-22T02:37:00.002-04:00

When people pull out this album from the mix yunno it's time for some soul searching....

It could all be so simple
But you'd rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

Is this just a silly game
That forces you to act this way
Forces you to scream my name
Then pretend that you can't stay
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

Hook:
No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain't workin'
It ain't workin'
And when I try to walk away
You'd hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy
This is crazy

I keep letting you back in
How can I explain myself
As painful as this thing has been
I just can't be with no one else
See I know what we got to do
You let go and I'll let go too
'Cause no one's hurt me more than you
And no one ever will

Care for me, care for me
I know you care for me

There for me, there for me
Said you'd be there for me

Cry for me, cry for me
You said you'd die for me

Give to me, give to me
Why won't you live for me
(Repeat)

- Lauryn Hill, Ex Factor

Steups

2008-08-21T15:45:00.002-04:00

Today... is just not cutting it.

Im Hungry!!

2008-08-20T20:38:00.003-04:00

I can't wait to have my own place so that I can have dinner parties. I keep seeing myself at my aunt's house in Plymouth, on the hill with about 8 friends, talking and eating. You should figure out by now that i LOVE to eat and I like to cook. But I don't like to cook "normal" things. Ask me to make some rice and peas and it will take me 3 hours to get up and do it. Ask me to make some duck in peanut sauce and I'm all hyped to go. I think I will be a chef in my next life and work at a top resort in the Caribbean. I would be famous for cooking GREAT meals and eating them in no time... lol. An avid fan of Iron Chef and Rachel Ray, I hope one day to be able to cook as easy as them.

Thinking about Me!!!

2008-08-20T09:07:00.002-04:00

I just wish that on mornings I can wake up sure of me and my relationships. Or could that just be hearing "I'm thinking about you" ringing out at a specific time each morning while I AM asleep. I wish I could wake up on the morning and not question where I'm going but just revel in the joy that I am here. But it doesn't happen like that. There's always little things that makes me question what level I'm at and where things are heading. Do you ever get there or are things always trying to get there?

I have decided to take it half day by half day. So I'm up fighting the good fight for another half day.

2008-08-20T09:02:00.000-04:00

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah

I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

I'm quiet you know
You make a frist impression
I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to ryhme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide

You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide

- Howie Day, Collide

It's not that hard is it?

2008-08-16T08:43:00.000-04:00

I think I am one of the easiest people to get along with for the most part. I am not openly friendly to strangers. I'm also actually much of an introvert. It takes a while for me to get comfortable with people to be able to communicate with them as plain ole me, but the process of the before and after is not that hard.

All the people who I get along GREAT with know me for who I am and what I stand for. I have a few rules that are basic to follow that builds my relationships with people. It's so simple that it seems that it's hard for some people to follow.

Respect me! This one is the KILLER. And seems to be the HARDEST one for people to pass. I don't get it. It's as simple as don't do things to me that you would not like me to do to you. Is that hard? But yet, people continue to just treat me with scant disrespect. I wouldn't mind it if I didn't make a concerted effort to show everyone around me respect, and not just because I want it back but I think people deserve it. And when you treat people a certain way it tells them they mean something to you.

Don't be fake with me. You see those folks who think they have to portray something else; someone who they're not to me, we not going to get along. People always assume that some people are only impressed by the "great" things they can do, or could have done, or have done, or a cousin who can have it done. I really don't care that your cousin is the top security guard at Zen and could slip you in. I am not impressed. It doesn't really count to me that your phone can tell you where to find the new Feragammo shirt. I don't care. I am not impressed that you say you can give me the world and you can't even use a dictionary. What impresses me? That my laptop can actually understand my handwritting.

Liars, stand back! I have this thing of saying, for the most part how I feel about things. I may not always say it, but I won't lie about it. And sometimes the lies not even good. Some people forget they lied about something 3 months ago, or they lie sloppy because they didnt take the time to think out all the avenues. I have the memory of an elephant for everything but my school work and my bank account information. I just sit and laugh at people who think they're lies passed the test. I don't ever call people out on their stuff.

Three simple areas. Actually sometimes the last two can become so secondary. The first one is soo improtant to me and that really tells me what I mean to people. And the people who I get along GREAT with are the ones who stand for the same thing and they show me all the respect that I show to them.

Nothing can beat:...

2008-08-16T04:59:00.004-04:00

* Sitting and having drinks and laughs with the girls

* Heading up Charlotte Street on Carnival Tuesday in costume

* Carnival Monday

* Hearing someone say they "Miss you"

* The smell of a man just out of the shower: Clean!!

* Eating some curry

* Being loved.

* Shopping for shoes.

* Closing a chapter in your life because it's not working and knowing you're going to start a new one.

*Seeing someone and seeing their happiness to see you in their eyes :)

* Getting a late night call from a good friend

* Having good friends

* Cuddling in a thunderstorm.

BitterSweet Week

2008-08-08T15:16:00.003-04:00

This week has been crazy hectic. I can't seem to have enough time to just sleep. I go to bed tired every night. If I could tell you what I was doing I would be lying.

Hi Jaden! That story of "meeting" a little boy by that name is for another time. It's quite interesting though.

Remember the laptop dramas of being on hold? Well the next day I got a survey from HP, and I gave them the WORST rating possible. ALL zeroes. So someone calls me all apologetic and the final word is "We will replace your computer with an upgraded one". Good news, good news. Cause I was about to go postal on the next HP Rep when I called in AGAIN. I am now getting a tx 2500 instead of a replacement tx 1000. Upgraded memory, hard drive, OS. I just pray that there is no problems when I get it. That would surely prove that I am blight with computers.

This week I also had 2 quizzes and a project to hand in. I did one quiz on Sunday morning and passed with full marks. On Monday I did the other quiz and saw an F. WTF!! I almost passed out! (Please remember less than 60% is an F.) I was devastated. Though I know it was only worth 1 point that F on my screen was heart wrenching. So being the fass chile that I am, I quickly emailed my professor about the grade, who, with no hesitation from my nice email explaining nicely and desparately why I had such an atrocious grade, reset the quiz. I eventually got a C. Which still sucked. So i went to class on Tuesday all ready to plead my case again. He decided that the lowest grade for quizes will be thrown out. Lol.

My mom also came in this week to spend two weeks with us. Fun!! Atleast I have company for a little while. But I have to entertain her, get ready for an examination, do 3 quizzes and 2 projects. It's going to be HECTIC!!

Plus my sister made me take pictures for her carnival band. Steups. They see no reason why I don't like to do these things. Lol. Sometimes I think I come over as anorexic to them, but it's just being open to criticism that bothers me. So they know not to ask me to be in no costume for no band launch. It is not going to happen. But seeing the costume has really excited me for carnival, and Ettie coming and Nessa coming down. Carnival will be my prize for the end of my quarter.

The week is done. And Im quite glad it's been hectic for the most part keeping me busy and my mind off of things that would depress me. And I get ready to start another week of madness.

Added to all these things I could not chew. On Monday I went to the orthodontist and have started my final rounds of closing all spaces. Talk about pressure. He used a 1 inch rubber band to close a 5 inch space. Today is the first day I can chew on somethings, even eggs were too hard. Drinking was a task to make sure my teeth don't knock together. If and when they did, there was a paralyzing shock for 10 minutes that would blind me. Sigh... but atleast they're easing up and I have another 3 weeks before I have to go back and tighten these bad boys again!!

Dese dam Help Desks

2008-08-01T15:58:00.002-04:00

So my laptop has been cursed. Or is it me? I have had a problem with ALL computers I have had in my life. ALL. From Dell to Toshiba to HP. All. If is not one thing is the next. So I have this HP Pavillion called Chinyere. I got this laptop in March end. I had an initial problem with the CMOS and had to send it in for them to change the battery that controls that. I got it back and it would not turn on. I had to send it back. When it returned to me the technician forgot to re install the bluetooth. I got it back on Monday night and Tuesday morning after 2 hours of use it shuts down for itself. WTF!! I REFUSE to send this back to HP. Anyway, after it happened every few hours till now I decided to call them AGAIN.

I was hesitant to call in to HP for more than one reason. The main reason being how upset I was about the laptop. It has been really frustrating since I have to have one for school and have not been able to use it there since I got it. It has been quite a hamper to me doing school work. The next reason is that these dam companies have outsourced their help to INDIA. KNowing how pissed I am and knowing that these help desk employees (HPE) cannot tell the difference betweeon 8 and A, I know I would get even more angry and have to cuss and it would frustrate me even more when they ask me to spell it. Sigh. But I called because me staring at the computer shutting down while I wrote my 2nd page paper and not being able to save my work was quite frustrating.

I called today at 1.43 pm. Went through the process of selecting where I would be directed. Took me about 2 mins. So at 1.45pm I was in my section but on hold. At 2.15pm my call was picked up. I had to spell my name 10 times, give my serial number 15 times, give my email address (which is my name) 13 times. At 2.30pm We started the process of attempting to flash the hard drive. Oops... the laptop shuts down. 'What do you mean its off ma'am?" Ah remember the reason I said I called was because it shuts down unannounced? "Oh yea. Can you turn it back on?" Ah No... remember I told you when it shuts down it has to wait a bit before it turns back on. "Oh Yea". At 2.40 I turn the lappy back on and we go through the process again. Actually she started explaining again to me from the top, which would have made it shut down again, but I informed her I remembered what she said initially and I'm there now. We download the file to flash the drive, it goes through it's process the lappy restarts and "Oh, I think I made you download the wrong file" GTFOH!!! No seriously. What you really telling me? Steups. So we had to start over with another file.

That's done pc restarts and I look at the time 3.43pm. 2 Hours to download and install a flash file. Steups... It better not shut down again. I told her if it I was NOT sending my shit back to HP to fix. They would be coming to my dam house. I hope she got shit spelt right!!

Sigh!!!

Wuh is dat on yuh teet?

2008-07-31T18:04:00.003-04:00

Someone triggered my thoughts on my orthodontic work that seems to be taking forever for me to get over. Lol. In 2006 I was referred to an orthodontist when my dentist realised that my wisdom tooth were impacted and suggested ways to get that fixed. I opted for braces because no way were they going to break my jaw to do surgery to get my wisdom teeth down and not allow me to eat for a week. I would waste away!

So braces it was and I went to my first appointment and took my xrays and discussed the plan and I left. I left for a whole year. Lol. Till in 2008 I ran into Dr Angus who made sure to mention loudly that I was waaay overdue to start my treatment. So in July 2007, more than a year later and heading into $15,000 debt (not including dental work and occasional dental visits). MY teeth were closer than a ... I won't say, but I had really, really close teeth. Dr. Angus was in shock and how close they were. So the inital process of putting in the spacers (blue rubber bands to widen yur back teeth space) took me longer than normal. HE had to use white ones first to make space for the blue ones. That was the worse week for me. I could not eat. I could not swallow. I could not steups. Biting down was OUT of the QUESTION. When the white ones made space for the blue ones, it was another week of drinking mashed potatoes. There was even an incident when he was trying to put in the blue ones, he turned to get a blue one and when he turned back the spce in my teeth was gone!!! Pressure.

A week later my braces were on. (After 2 visits to the dentist also to extract all four of my pre molars). The first week of initial tightening of the wires always has you a bit uncomfortable. The tension is tight. But a week later for me I was back to eating everything as usual. I was given a list of things NOT to eat. That list eventually turned into the list of things I have to take my time eating. No dumplin for 2 years? Have to be mad. So here I am before putting the ceramic grills in.

My plan was braces for two years and retainers for a year. I was to visit the orthodontist every 4 weeks (so every month) for the first two years. Me, I missed sooo mnay appointments it's crazy. The first year I made about 9 appointments. I was not progressing as quickly as I wanted, which is typlical most time with the ceramics versus the metal. Then I had some miserable teeth that didn't want to budge. Into my second year I got into school and then had to relocate. I was referred to a orthodontist here. Did I mention that my whole treatment home was going to take $15,000? That's about $2377 USD. When I had my consultation with my new Dr. for the period of March to December to finish my braces period and the year of retainers I was given a bill for $2700 USD. Huh??? How is it the same price for less time? But what could I do, not finish it? So I have been extended to Decemeber 5 months longer than previously mentioned. Should I mention that I have already missed one appointment? Argghhh.

This is me recently. Can you see any difference?

I see none in the pics but looking at my teeth and knowing how some were I see what has moved.

I have an appointment on Monday which I plan to keep and I pray he don't tell me he extending my date. I not paying him more than he told me lol. I can't wait to get to retainers so that I can eat crab in peace instead of taking 3 hours to eat it slow... :)

Waste ah day!!

2008-07-31T17:02:00.004-04:00

Well I went to sleep at about 4 am. I just could NOT sleep. Sitting eyes closed staring at my eyelids. Atleast I had company until 3 am though... so the last hour or staring was my only lonely hour. But I HATE when this happens though.. it messes up my next day. And these days I have more work to do than they are hours in the day. But today I could not do anything. I tried at about 11 to start a project I stared at it for an hour not able to bring any content from my head to the front in English. I think it was there in German. Imma be crying tomorrow I know when I realise I have 2 days behind my deadline of Sunday. Sigh!

And I wanted to do something last night, but I didn't and I regret it. I think I will tomorrow though, today I'm just too drained to today. And I need my point to go across loud and clear. So a tired me is not going to get that done.

But I really tired yunno. I wasn't even excited today when my friends called from Barbados showing off that she there (and plans to do this everyday that she there) and was about to go get ready to go to a beach party. I was even too tired to talk to my mom who called earlier. So now I'm trying to decide on if to get some sleep, which would equate to me losing MORE hours, or man up and sit and try to atleast listen to some of the videos for my class. *snore* I think sleep is going to win. I even too tired to eat... and if you know me then you know how extreme that has to be. Today I had 2 slices of pizza and a smoothie that I made. Alone. *Snore*

Dunno when this insomnia is going to end... and I hate taking sleeping aids!! *snore*

Run Run Run Ruuuuun!!!

2008-07-31T13:23:00.000-04:00

For you I was the flame,
Love is a losing game
Five story fire as you came,
Love is losing game

One I wish I never played,
Oh, what a mess we made
And now the final frame,
Love is a losing game

Played out by the band,
Love is a losing hand
MOre than I could stand,
Love is a losing hand
[ Love Is A Losing Game lyrics found on http://www.completealbumlyrics.com ]

Self professed and profound
Tilter tips were down
Know you’re a gambling man
Love is a loosing hand

Tho' I battled blind,
Love is a fate resigned
Memories mar my mind,
Love is a fate resigned

Over futile odds,
And laughed at by the Gods
And now the final frame,
Love is a losing game

- Amy Winehouse, Love is a Loosing Game

Get thee Hence Satan!!

2008-07-31T12:36:00.000-04:00

I have a cousin who you would fall on the floor with laughter with with that statement. Especially as she shouts it out at store clerks, bus drivers, or any arbitrary person that is upsetting her at the moment. The look on the person's face is a classic when the loud, stern, face nudging outburst happens. I think they're not too sure if to laugh, run or fall on their knees and start to pray. Hilarous!

I need her here right now. The devil riding my back like a jockey in a 5 million dollar bet race. Trying his best to let me loose my focus. Coming in all kind of forms and tastes to make me fall for his shit. Last weekend was trying, I REFUSE to make this week another one. So HE needs to GO. ALL forms, formations, sign, types of him, NEEDS TO GET THEE HENCE!!

I really want to get out, cause I getting tired and I can't afford to let Mr. Devil get that prize. So I need to call my cousin. She gonna have to take a flight down cause she has to do it in person. I need to see Satan's face when she does it!! Classic!!

Second time Around

2008-07-31T10:42:00.000-04:00

"Don't know what you have till it's gone" has been the motto for me and relationships ALL my life.

I have been under appreciated and under treated and it's not till when I have decided enough is enough that who I really am has really kicked in. People then are now ready to step up after I'm gone. Why?

What gene is that? lol Everytime! And it's happening still years after relationships have been done. And it happened still with new ones. So I'm thinking then that I need to probably start a relationship and ride out early so that I can atleast get some respect instead of waiting to see if I will, get frustrated that I don't and ride out to have to deal with the emotionally battle of trying to do it again.

This second time around thing not working for me though. I don't have the constitution to deal with the bullshit anymore. I'm too old to be taken for granted. Plus I hate wasting time. If it not coming out right the first time, will it the second? Is there going to be?

Life eh!! Like a box of chocolates... never know what you gonna get!!

My escape through music!!

2008-07-31T01:21:00.002-04:00

If you didn't realise by now I listen to music religiously. R&B, Soca, Hip Hop, Down south music, jazz, soul, rock... I love music. It takes me to a place of resolve, joy, piece, anger. It's my friend and my worse enemy. Without music I may have been in jail already. It calms me. Take my music away..take away my sanity!!

Well I'm apologising for just my music posts these last few. My mind is sooo mixed up with emotions, network information, test dates, life expectations, self failures, hardware information and life plans that I can't seem to be able to write. So my songs are my moods for the most part. Or just may be what I'm listenin to at the moment with all my music on shuffle just like my life seems to be shuffling.

Insomnia!!

2008-07-31T01:09:00.001-04:00

I'm up again. Another night of not being able to sleep. Another night that will lead to a long day that I have so much work to do in. Another night that I am fighting to try to get my mind, and my emotions, to settle down so that I can get some rest. So that they can get some rest!! They need it!!

It's late and I'm feeling so tired
Having trouble sleeping.
This constant compromise
Between thinking and breathing.

Could it be I'm suffering
Because I'm never give in?
Won't say that I'm falling in love
Tell me I don't seem myself
Couldn't I blame something else?

Just don't say I'm falling in love

Some kind of therapy
Is all I need
Please believe me
Some instant remedy
That can cure me completely

Could it be that I'm suffering
Because I'll never give in?
Won't say that I'm falling in love
Tell me I don't seem myself
Couldn't I blame something else?

Just don't say I'm falling in love
'cause I've been there before and it's not enough
So nobody say it

Don't even say it
I ve got my eyes shut
Won't look, oh
No, I'm not in love

Could it be I'm suffering
Because I'll never give in?
I'm falling love
Tell me I don't seem myself good enough for something else

Just don't say I'm falling in love
Falling in love
Just don't say I'm falling in love
Oh, yeah
Falling love ooh
Oh, oh, don't say that I'm falling in love, don't say that, oh
Just don't say that I'm falling in love, yeah
Just don't say that I'm falling in love
Don't say but in the answer
'Cause I'll never give in
Oh
Falling in love
Yeah
Oh

- Corinne Bailey Rae, Trouble Sleeping

Prayer for Guidance!!

2008-07-31T00:01:00.004-04:00

I think I need to bring in some extra help.

I need some guidance here. I'm so fighting to free myself. I need to free myself. I've been praying for this but my prayers alone doesn't seem to be sending me in the right direction or the direction that I am happy and less stressed. Someone said sometime that life get's extremely difficult when a big break through is about to happen. I need that breakthrough NOW!. Oh that was the babysitter on I'm asking for some extra prayers please. To put me in a place that can make me feel like my life is going somewhere; that I'm moving in the right direction that's best for me. That I'm not being used. That I'm getting all that I deserve. Please! Right now, I am close to making decisions that can change the total direction of my life as I saw it a year and a half backor even last year.

Guidance is an understatement for what i need right now. I truly need some deliverance!!

Father in Heaven,

You made me Your child and called me to walk in the Light of Christ. Free me from darkness and keep me in the Light of Your Truth. The Light of Jesus has scattered the darkness of hatred and sin. Called to that Light, I ask for Your guidance. Form my life in Your Truth, my heart in Your Love. Through the Holy Eucharist, give me the power of Your Grace that I may walk in the Light of Jesus and serve Him faithfully.

Inside!

2008-07-29T05:37:00.000-04:00

I couldn't make colors match today
I don't know what else to say
except I tried and they can't say I didn't
I don't like the stuff they are feeding me
they don't like the things I say
but I don't think I need to be forgiven

But I am quiet inside
though they drag me by a wire
through the storm that cracks the sky
I am quiet inside

I used to be so hard to find
rage and tears filled my eyes
but now i believe I see much clearer
my clarity did not come easily
my cell was knocked into me
but now at least I know who's in the mirror

I am quiet inside
though they drag me by a wire
through the storms cracks the sky
I am quiet inside

I am quiet inside
though they drag me by a wire
through the storms cracks the sky
I am quiet inside

ye I'm quiet inside
I am quiet

I couldn't make colors match today
I don't know what else to say

- Andy Tubman, Quiet Inside

Confession Time!!

2008-07-26T15:23:00.004-04:00

I don't know if Florida is for me. I don't know if I have meshed into this place as well as I thought I would. I feel so alone here it's crazy. I'm by myself 90% of the time. I have made no new friends and can't seem to keep up with my old ones. Everybody has their own life going on and I just seem to be on the outside trying to get in. It's not a good feeling really. I've tired to try to make things work. Thinking time would make me feel better about where I was, but going to Tobago just made the point of me not fitting in here stand out more. I can't seem to be myself here. I feel stifled. I can't do what I want to do when I want do it. I can't even go to eat unless someone offers to take me. Like right now and I'm hungry. I always have to wait on other people to offer me a chance to do something. And that is so not me. I've been in turmoil about this for a while and I know me saying this now would probably cause some more turmoil but it's time for me to let things out. I don't know how much more of a stifled me I can take. I don't laugh in Florida. I don't have fun in Florida. Florida has resigned me to just doing what I have to do and that's not Renee.

So what's next? How can I be me in this world?

P.S I have taken my medication so my emotions are under control with this post!!

All of my Energy!

2008-07-26T15:19:00.001-04:00

I wish I could rip out a page of my memory
Cuz I put to much energy in him and me
Can't wait til I get through this phase
Cuz it's killing me
To bad we can't re-write our own history

Such a mystery when he's here with me
It's hard to believe I'm still lonely
Chances fading now, patience running out
This ain't how it's supposed to be

I'm having nightmares from sleeping with the enemy
How do we reverse the chemistry?
I don't want us to be the end of me
This love is taking all of my energy
Energy, My Energy
Taking all my energy
Energy, My Energy
Taking all of (my energy)

Seems only like yesterday, not even gravity
Could keep your feet off the ground when you go to me
How can two be as one
We've become to divided now
There's no use hiding from my misery
Such a mystery when he's here with me
It's hard to believe I'm still lonely
Chances fading now, patience running out
This ain't how it's supposed to be

I'm having nightmares from sleeping with the enemy (Oh, Yeah)
How do we reverse the chemistry? (We gotta re-)
I don't want us to be the end of me
This love is taking all of my energy
Energy, My Energy
Taking all my energy (Energy)
Energy (Energy), My Energy (Energy)
Taking all of

Only in video not on regular song---> Now I can feel a change in me
And I can't afford to slip much further
From the person I was meant to be
I'm not afraid to walk alone
Not give it up but moving on
Before it gets to deep
Cause your taking all of my energy

I'm having nightmares from sleeping with the enemy
How do we reverse the chemistry?
I don't want us to be the end of me
This love is taking all of my energy
Energy, My Energy
Taking all my energy
Energy, My Energy
Taking all of (my energy) x2
Ya killing me
Ya taking all of me
Oh
This love is taking all my energy

- Keri Hilson, Energy

No More Games!

2008-07-26T13:04:00.002-04:00

[INTRO:]
Ohhh... Girl I love you
Ohhh... Aaaaaa... ohhh
It's it's it's serani
Just in case you never know
Just in case you never know oh oh
Aaaa ohhh

[CHORUS:]
Love you girl
Do you feel the same
I doh wanna play... gaaaames
No gaaaaames... ohhh
You're the only that can out my flame
Baby just play it straight straaaaight
No games... ohhh

[VERSE 1:]
Weve been together 6 months now (The most perfect days)
You pushed for us to exchange vows (Baby changed my ways)
I gave my life over to you
And you turned around
After all that weve been through
I was your rebound

[HOOK:]
Girl I want you (all time)
I'll forever love you (you're mine)
I'm not mad even though I'm sad... (cause you)
Should give me one more chance

[CHORUS:]
Love you girl
Do you feel the same
I doh wanna play... gaaaames
No gaaaaames... ohhh
You're the only that can out my flame
Baby just play it straight straaaaight
No games... ohhh

[VERSE 2:]
Is this the life you really want (constant delusion)
Your time with me was very Fun (there's no illusion)
But I don't know you anymore
When you walked outside that door
You left your rep yea

[HOOK:]
Girl I want you (all time)
I'll forever love you (you're mine)
I'm not mad even though I'm sad... (cause you)
Should give me one more chance

[CHORUS: x2]
Love you girl
Do you feel the same
I doh wanna play... gaaaames
No gaaaaames... ohhh
You're the only that can out my flame
Baby just play it straight straaaaight
No games... ohhh

- Serani, No More Games

Drugs

2008-07-26T11:13:00.002-04:00

Why am I feeling in a funk?

Oh ... I just realised I forgot to take my medication. Ive been doing pretty well so far. If I make sure and take it on time, I can keep my thoughts at bay and not write my feelings on here. I'll still have the feelings and the thoughts but I would be able to control me expressing them. If I don't... then you get a whole barrage of posts of how I really feel. Imagine I wanted to come off of it, could you imagine what my blog would look like? They would really pump up my dosage of Paxil.

But not taking medication is not going to help me in anyway. My serotonin intake cannot be helped by anything other than a list of anti depressants. So either I'm stuck being a moody girl with no medication or I am a sometimes moody girl on medication that makes her sick a lot of times. Hmm which to choose? For now with medication will have to work ( I can easily see myself getting really depressed in this place) to safe guard my life. The only time I can see me coming off of this meds is to be in a whole different place emotionally, spiritually, physically. And since I am still in school until next year my "place" won't be changing right now. But who knows what next year will bring.

It's carnival Time!!

2008-07-26T10:30:00.000-04:00

No I'm serious. Yuh find i early nuh? But it's carnival time everywhere now. Bim carnival going on. Miami carnival coming up. Trinidad carnival coming up and technically the season has been opened with bands launching already. And I'm upset.

This will be my 2nd carnival NOT playing mas for Trinidad but my first missing it for a few years. And it hurts my heart. Yuh laughing? You have to understand I am a die hard carnival person. I lived from one carnival to the next. My mother used to start walking around with her finger in her ears from Septemebr morning because I started my carnival rants. I got everybody involved. My best friend used to have to endure the lines for registration (something he HATED but had no choice), my aunt had to endure going to drop of more money, going to Samaroos to buy stones, and sometimes going to collect mi costume on carnival Friday. Everybody had to see what costume I was going to be playing in to help with accessories. I was also the planner for my friends and families for the week. I sat down and organized where and how we going, who had to get tickets, when money had to be in by. I having a carnival tabanca and it's not even 2009 yet.

What is making matters worse is these ever so early band launches. Why they want to be showing me costumes soooo early up to break my heart? And they have all been hot costumes. Not some shitty ones to make me be happy I not playing.

If was playing this year though Spice probably would be one of my top contenders to play with. (I haven't seen my band yet, so I can say this now.) Spice has some NICE costumes. And I am not one for plenty on my costume eh. I hate headpieces and not just for carnival. I doh like nothing on mi head. But I find I leaning towards those big headpieces so far that launch. I love sexy costumes too. And Spice has had all that. I love these.

See the rest of Spice Costumes.

Evolution is another band that has launched in this early movement. And their costumes too are actually good. Though they had some mishaps last year that may have some people weary, their costumes surely will pull some followers. I'm liking this white costume and this other one which reminds me a bit of my IP costume Jewel of the Nile.

See Evolution Costumes.

Then there's Kaotic and Tribe launches tonight and there's still IP and D'Krewe, Trini Revellers, Harts, and the list goes on. Arrgghh... it's sending me crazy. And that's just Trinidad.

I'm patiently and excitedly waiting on Miami carnival and my band vibrationzz to launch. This will be my first Miami carnival for a while. Though I know it cannot compare to my trek in Port of Spain, I hope it will be a good especially since my girl of girls Etts would be coming to meet me from Canada to play mas on the road. (And hopefully a few others.. I said I was the carnival planner here). And they launch soon. So I have my own carnival excitement to experience.

As the season continues and more bands launch here's to more beautiful costumes, more excitement and less bashing this year. Ha!

I am a sucker!!

2008-07-26T01:49:00.004-04:00

I'm a sucker for my own demise. I have this gene that allows me to always be falling back into the same experiences over and over. Or do I have the gene that makes me believe people whenever they say things to me regardless of how much times I get burned by them? What's that called? The silly gene? Lol.

No but seriously. I'm a sucker for thinking that people say they gonna do things and they don't do it. And in the end is me again suffering. And I think they figure that out too. That they can talk the sweetest game to me when the situation is sticky. Make all these "solutions" sound feasible that I fall for then we resort to the same old thing when the smoke clears. Yes I am a sucker.

I wish I could say was. I'm tired falling back. Well I don't mind if in the falling back I wasn't the only one suffering but the chips keep falling that way. And I'm sooo tired of it. (I know the masses gonna come out now and tell me get out! Lol) Arrgghhh. It's not that easy even though I wish it was!

It's 1.24 am do you know where your child is?

2008-07-26T01:23:00.003-04:00

Well I don't have a child but I can't tell you where my mother is. Why she out and I home?

It's kinda weird being home now. For the last past Fridays I have been out somewhere. Tonight, actually I just finished having a movie night on my fold out couch. Yea... excitement. I think I started it a bit too early though, cause right now I'm up, bored and lonely. That is when I realized that my mother is out. I made random phone calls to people and everybody is out. Steups. If I was home I would be out somewhere, probably not doing much of anything but talking crap with my friends releasing stress. Something that I think I need to do much of tonight. Or I could just get a massage and that would just be as good.

But back to my mother. She is a fowl, so it's shocking to hear that at this time she's UP and OUT. Even more shocking to know that is my father that took her out. No that's really not the more shocking part. But for my mom to be out and for it to be my dad who took her hardly happens. My father limes in the oddest most out of the way places that I can't see my mother going to willingly. I can see her now asking if there is toilet paper in the bathroom. I can see her probably having this weird look on her face that they can talk and the music is so loud. Shoot, I can see her asking the DJ if he can't play the music softer. I can see my father getting upset. So I don't think they probably went to one of his usual hangouts.

Why am I dissecting my mother's night out? Lol. Sigh. Anyway back to my usual boring shitty Friday night in the MIA.

Back to the Grind!

2008-07-18T18:57:00.003-04:00

I have officially decided that i HATE TO TRAVEL. I don't mind reaching to my destination but yuh see the process of flying... I HATE IT. Especially since the only direct you can get from Tobago to the US is really Caribbean Airlines, who I didn't fly with. So since I had decided to buy the ticket with American Airlines I had to fly to Trinidad before then go check in with American. Well Caribbean Airlines domestic have this way of leaving before they time. You book for a 10.50 and the flight leaving at 10.30. Yuh ass is grass if yuh late. In fact even if yuh on time yuh ass is grass cause dem early. Well I wasn't grass this time though and made it down to Trinidad early enough to be up in the line quick for American.

Well, humph. I dunno, every time I travel with AA i does cuss and say I not traveling with them again. And this time ent no different. So yuh get the point. The beast and dem decide that they must check in one person per hour..my gosh. And they soooo pleasant with it. Full smiles and nice attitudes and... Yea right. Rude and callous and ent have a flickin clue. But they check me in real quick and the police man who stop me for some shit .... look this *middle finger*.

I proceed to get something to eat now, cause you know that AA does NOT provide that anymore. Along with other things I am going to realise later. So I decide to get a sandwich from KFC. Steups... dat ent ready. What dem have ready at 11 am? Fry chicken alone!! Steups... I just take some popcorn chicken and fries stuff it in mi bag and head through security who couldn't figure out if that was really me or if the name Penze on my passport and Penze on my boarding pass was spelt the same way. Bout 10 minutes the man staring from one to the other. Oh lawd!!

Then this next police man want to look at my things. I say Mr., no disrespect eh, but ah next one down dey stop me. And askin me if I have a brother. Now you. Is wuh does make allyuh always stop me? He laugh and still tek me tings den tell me go ahead. Steups.

I take in some free internet in the waiting area and then we board. American is de dam worse. Not a blanket in site after the first 5 taken. And they have no more. No pillows either. The staff RUDE and RUDE. Their $5 sandwich small and they RUDE. Oh Lawd... good thing I slept most of the trip. And the flight was FREEZING!! But they had no blankets remember. So we reach to Miami and because AA has no good standing we kinda all the way on the end of the airport. So is walk and train and walk to get to immigration.

Now, once you know about me and you know the word immigration you should know the relationship. Well Miami International is the worse airport. Not just for the crowds and crowds of folks passing through at one time but for the dumb ass officers who probably are tired of dealing with exile people passing through. Anyway, so I know I blight and know I will have a big red flashing light over my head when I talk to the officer. Nothing new to me. Actually I walk up to the man already to tell him jsut take me inside and doh bother about the light, cause that is sooo embarrassing when the place full. But Mr. Doh Give a Rats Ass proceeds to process me and put on the light. That ent bad. He tells me to step aside because "light watchers" ent paying attention and taking too long to come get me. Steups. So I there for like 10 minutes and everybody watching me like "oh lawd, jail for she". Eventually Pedro takes me in with my documents and tells me to take a seat. I sit for 2 minutes then I hear, Renee you again!! It's my favourite officer Cumana. Now yes, it's sick. Why officers know me by name? The amount of times I have been pulled into that little room, which mind you was RAM when I went in last time, is ridiculous. Cumana tell me he fed up see me and the next time he will have to lock me up for wasting time. I inform him that is not me is Mr. Doh Give a...well yea. After 10 mins typing in the same note in there again to inform front officers NOT to pull me in and listening to a trini man nam Pakash tell dem he tekkin dem to court cause they discriminating against him because of his name, I was sent out AGAIN. But wait, I should get a lawyer too?? Anyway by the time I get downstairs my bags are already off (good thing). Now to deal with customs. Black officer or white officer? Arrgghh. White ones ask me bout rodi and iguanas, black ones just sends me to search. Arrggghh. I pick the black one today who sends me through. Thank God!!

Sigh. I tired by now. Miami International is hectic, but I reach and I reach safe. And thank God for that. So officially my holdiays are done and assignments done posted for classes for next week. Pressure!!!

Some People..

2008-07-15T17:30:00.002-04:00

when you really need them for support, they're never around. Lights off nobody's there! Sometimes kind words is all that's needed.

In the blink of an eye.

2008-07-15T16:14:00.003-04:00

Today I had all intentions of coming to talk about the things that I have been up to. But the wind was quickly knocked out of me at 7am this morning when I went to facebook to send a message to a friend and someone had posted on her wall R.I.P. Confused I called another friend whose phone went to voicemail so I proceeded to call another friend who very calmly and matter of factly stated that "she Dead". At that time I was pissed. Pissed that I had not contacted Carissa when I was suppose to. Pissed that this other person just matter of factly said she dead like it wasnt a loss. I proceeded to call her aunt and found out that indeed she was killed in a Freak accident last night.

It's amazing how things can change in less than a second. Finished working at her summer job, this SGU student and her boyfriend were out. He lost control of the vehicle and ran into a pole. They came out and informed family what happened and was waiting. Another car coming from the opposite direction passed and the wires from the pole were ran over and it got into contact with the couple sending male into a tree and Carissa to heaven. :(

I met Carissa when she was still a student at Bishop's High School and a member of my dance company's junior group. She would annoy the HELL out of me. Slow and unsure of her serlf and her body, she wasnt one of the best dancers but that wasn't what got me upset with her. Carissa would just allow people to do her what they want. She was a bit shy, laid back and unassuming. But she was then 15 years old. Now at 18 and fully enjoying life with her school mates in Grenada, her boyfriend and her friends here. She was excited about everything that was to pass. Had all her nights planned out for the holidays. Was working and felt like an adult. Carissa had finally found herself and was quickly taken away. No one's fault. Though her grandmother insists that she was hard of hearing and should have been heading home, doesn't mean that her life would have been speared. In fact it was initially with that first accident.

R.I.P babygirl. I am happy that you were finally enjoying life. That you found yourself. You had struggles as a kid that not every kid has had to endure and you pushed through them and became an amazing, fun loving, hardworkingm encouraging, promising young lady. And I know you are now looking down on us with that big smile.

Today is trully a sad day for those who interacted with you. A loss that has most of us in total shock. But you are in a better place. I pray for guidance and strength for your family on friends left on this earth to mourn their loss.

R.I.P Carissa James!!

My Time is UP!!!

2008-07-13T13:45:00.005-04:00

Today calls for this. Edible Arrangements just make me so excited. It would surely lift my mood up. That, some wine and a nice long chair in the cool. Ahhh...

I think my vacation is up. Well I doh think, it is eh. I have about 3 days to go. But besides the time being up I think people are just about ready for me to be out. Yunno that with some people you can't be around them too long. You kinda start to feel like you over staying yuh welcome. Things can function well for say, 3 weeks, then it starts being too much and everything causes something? After that people need a break from me. To regroup I guess. Get me out their system to attempt to take me back for another 3 weeks?

Well I seem to have that trait. After a few days, weeks, months the fights set in. Arguments here, comments there. It happens with everyone. Friends, Boy friends, family. I really question what it is is about me that causes it. I really do. As I was telling Nessa this morning, sometimes I really have to sit and wonder how people really see me and what I do. No matter how I try to do good, it seems to turn to sap. I seem to do something that causes a situation when all I was trying to do was do good.

Sigh. My time is up!!

I won't Let you Lie to Yourself

2008-07-13T12:19:00.001-04:00

lovin' you is hard
lovin' you is wonderful
when you're holdin' back
is it so impossible
tell me why
i try
to control what's on your mind
and you should be here
(here by my side)
you shouldn't be makin' me cry
(no making me cry)
noooo

so don't go sayin'
contemplatin'
that i'm better off alone
cuz you're amazing
you drive me crazy
when you gonna know
you're too proud to let it show
but i won't let you lie to yourself

you got it in your head
i was made for someone else
not you you you
it's a little late
you make all my dreams come true
tell me why
i try
to control what's on your mind
well you should be here by my side
(here by my side)
you shouldn't be makin' me cry
(no making me cry)
nooo

so don't go sayin'
contemplatin'
that i'm better off alone
cuz you're amazing
you drive me crazy
when you gonna know
you're too proud to let it show
well i won't let you lie to yourself

(no need to worry)
no need to worry
(im in no hurry)
i've got all the time in the world for you baby
(cuz when you're in my arms)
when you're in my arms
you're the feelin'
i'll keep on tellin' you 'til you believin'

so don't go sayin'
contemplatin'
that i'm better off alone
cuz you're amazing
you drive me crazy
when you gonna know
you're too proud to let it show
i won't let you lie to yourself

- Corrine Bailey Rae

It's That Time!!!

2008-07-13T11:57:00.001-04:00

Yunno what sucks though...

2008-07-06T11:15:00.002-04:00

I was trying so hard to let this be a light day. But...

I seem to have a problem. Lol. Sounds like addiction. It probably is. But how is it that I try to accommodate right, I let people be and do who they are, but I get into trouble for doing that. I usually get upset when someone wants me to change and stop being who I am because they don't like it. So I try to not let that happen with me and other people. Yet...

But since it seems to keep causing problems I guess I need to change that huh? I think it's easier for me to do the "normal" thing than to do things my way (Wait am I saying that I am abnormal? lol). It's less stressful it seems.

*Brain Freeze*

Hola

2008-07-06T10:36:00.003-04:00

*smiles*

Whirlwind week I tell you. Emotionally and physically.

First of TSTT need two slap. This BLINK concept ent ketch on with me nah. I have a feeling they need to rename the thing STARE and I would be a little bit more understanding. The shit never works. And to say it working as fast as a blink is A LIE!! But don't think I haven't been writing. I just haven't been publishing and I not sure if I want to with some of them nah.

We're coming down to the final week for the opening night for Heritage Festival. It's tech week this week and so we are going to be out at the venue EVERY night TILL LATE. The joy. But this has been a tumultuous running session. A lot of cussing here, noises there. Me, oblivious to drama and unnecessary noise has just stepped to the side of it. Unless it deals directly with me, I not even bothering. But the consensus by the 50 plus cast is "we can't wait for Friday to come". Though I may be agreeing with that it also marks the end of my vacation.

I have to start packing soon. Hmm. Not even ready to start on that.

Today though, unlike last week Sunday where we had rehearsal from 10 am to 9pm, I have no dance at all. Yeaaa. Well no. Today of all days I would have really liked to be occupied. AND my mom has gone on a trip. Damn you woman!!! So today is going to be a "bed" day. I promised my cousin I would help her make a lasagne, I trying to see if I can duck out of that one. Not in the mood. But wait, she can't eat cheese, what kinda lasagne she really making?? I think I just found my reason... lol. I may go to the beach but going there alone on a Sunday is like a single woman going to marriage counseling, DEPRESSING. Families fill the whole beach from end to end so that is scrapped. Sigh!

So as I see it things just seem to be going downhill. I don't expect a better week. I can just feel it. Imma be all haggard and flustered and confused, and frustrated and..... *fights to not get into that mood*

So have a good Sunday folks and hoping you have a great week! Everyone!!!

My Song for Today!!

2008-06-30T10:55:00.002-04:00

Oh how bout a round of applause
Yea standing ovation
Oh oooh oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

You look so dumb right now
Standing outside my house
Trying to apologize, you're so ugly when you cry [please]
Just cut it out

And don't tell me you're sorry cause you're not
Baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught

But you put on quite a show
Really had me going
But now it's time to go
Curtains finally closing
That was quite a show
Very entertaining
But it's over now [but it's over now]
Go on and take a bow

Grab your clothes and get gone (get gone you better hurry up)
Before the sprinklers come on (come on)
Talking bout 'Girl I love you You're the one'
This just looks like a re-run (please)
What else is on?

And don't tell me you're sorry cause you're not
Baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught

But you put on quite a show
Really had me going
But now it's time to go
Curtains finally closing
That was quite a show
Very entertaining
But it's over now [but it's over now]
Go on and take a bow

Oh and the award for the best lie goes to you
[Goes to you]
For making me believe that you could be
Faithful to me
Oh let's hear your speech

Oh how bout a round of applause
A standing ovation

But you put on quite a show
Really had me going
But now it's time to go
Curtains finally closing
That was quite a show
Very entertaining
But it's over now [but it's over now]
Go on and take a bow

But it's over now

- Rihanna, Take A Bow

Steups...

2008-06-29T02:04:00.004-04:00

Why am I even bothering? Surely some people are not ready and I keep realising that more and more each day!

I got stood up tonight. It's nothing new though. I get that some way or the other from people. I'm not even really upset. I don't think I get to that anymore but I'm disappointed. I wish I had the effect on people to want to go the extra mile to make sure that they keep up their part of the bargain. But no, as usual, Renze would take whatever reason (excuse?) they would muster up. Because I'm nice like that.

It's ironic that I asked today "If I don't call you, you won't call me" and the answer was "No. I'll call you later". Well I better not hold my breathe. I'm not calling anyone back though. It's ironic that plans were made with me yet I'm the one who gets stood up. It's ironic that I was the one disrespected but yet I seem to be having to take the blame and fix the situation.

Steups, flickin waste ah time yes. Because this BS is just going to continue happening.

Memories

2008-06-28T10:51:00.003-04:00

My family made sure that we had a lot of these. They ensured that they created moments that we would remember and cherish for the rest of our lives. I assumed everyone had the same experience.

I remember our trips to Barbados with all the cousins and aunts. Trips to New Jersey. Our round the island trips packing everyone into the land rover with food and floating devices to spend the day. Our trips to Trinidad to shop for Christmas, for tennis tournaments, for dance classes. All or most fun times that were created and shaped who I am today. I assumed everyone had the same experience.

As I got older I started to create my own memories. I wanted to be able to sit back later and say oh remember when we did this? Laugh at "oh doh forget when we went to...". And I was able to for the most part. My tennis team in my early teens we created some great memories that we still talk about. Sliding on the terazzo with water and someone ending up in the hospital. Eating the nasty food from Petrotrin's Mess and getting food poisoning.

My dance buddies and I have an enormous vault of memories. Experiencing the Coup and staying right opposite the barracks in Long Circular. Being in port of spain and a vagrant taking away one of the girls drink. Rofl. Convincing a taxi on Charlotte Street to take 8 of us in his car to drop us off in Barataria. Missing a flight and our bags already on. Trips to St Vincent. Carnival memories in Port Of Spain. Dancing in stupid costumes. Falls, splits, tears, laughs.

My college friends. Road trips, Binges. House parties, Shopping trips. Cute boys, Not so cute boys. Stalkers. Bad break ups! Laughs, tears, depressions.

Memories with Boyfriends. Dinners, dates, movies, shopping trips, long nights, quiet nights, break ups. Boyfriends ending up in the hospital after attempting to cook and they got burnt. Walks on the beach. Bedrooms filled with candles

Things that I will hold in my mind for ever. Some good some bad. Some that will stand out more than others. Some that I will cherish for ever and some that I will rather quickly forget.

So when I interact with some people and they can't remember having done this or interested in doing that. Don't have any recollection of anything being done I sometimes wonder. Was it that they just didn't have a chance to do things, things weren't very memorable for them or that they just didn't care?

But memories are something that I want to continue making for myself and not just waiting to see what happens. So as I sit and reminisce today, here's to all the things that I have experienced and thank you to all the people who made them possible.

Secret Stalker?

2008-06-28T10:10:00.003-04:00

*Phone Rings*

It is too early for people to be calling me especially since I went to bed LATE this morning. Steups.

*Answers Phone*

Rushes to turn on Radio.

I got a dedication today. Who the hell? I know who it's NOT. And I really HEART this song!! I do. Weird. *Blush*. I don't even get dedications on valentines day, or my birthday so on an arbitrary day for no reason? Hmmm... So you think I should be looking out for flower deliveries too? Wait thinking about that I never got flowers delivered to me either? Buh wuh de arse, either I date unromantic dudes or they see me as just not worth it!!! Lmao. *Thinks about sending flowers to myself*.

Anyway my dedication song:
*Goes back to bed*

If I was to tell you just how much I need you, would you come tonight
Or would you not believe me cuz a love that easy never turns out right
I’m trying to change the rules you deserve something good in your life
We’ve waited for far too long so come get your blessing tonight baby

Chorus:
Wont you come over love, Sure I can show you love
Promise I got enough to give you all that you need baby
So many search to find, A love that is good as mine
I will not waste your time so bring it all to me baby

Baby let me teach you, give you love instruction, show you what I know
Need to take it easy, no need rush it, baby go nice and slow
All this love I can go to you, I expect just a bit in return
You don’t have to be perfect as long as you’re willing to learn baby

Wont you come over love, sure I can show you love
Promise I got enough to give you all that you need baby
So many search to find a love that is good as mine
I will not waste your time so bring it all to me baby

Turn out the lights, give you all my love tonight
Lets do what lover do, im ready, im ready
I don’t want to waste your time
So don’t make me beg tonight
Don’t keep me waiting for love
Wont you come over tonight

- Estelle, Come Over

Peace Begins with You!

2008-06-26T08:14:00.003-04:00

Thursday June 26 2008

Good morning. Peace begins with you. A happy peaceful lifestyle is in your hands. Avoid strife, arguments etc. Talk to people the way you want to be spoken to. The scripture says ... A soft answer turns away wrath. (Be courteous and friendly...) The scripture also says, in order to have friends you must show yourself friendly. BE THE PEACE that you desire! :-)

GOD IS LOVE

REV RUN

Words

2008-06-26T00:33:00.002-04:00

You can't take some people's words to plant rice. It's not worth it. It's a quality I HATE. They say they going to do something and don't do it. Sometimes don't even have the audacity to say they not going to do it. And always have some excuse, or a reason, that is so valid to them why they didn't do it. IF YOU NOT GOING TO DO SOMETHING DON'T SAY THAT YOU ARE!!

For Me or not to BE!

2008-06-25T20:33:00.005-04:00

I sometimes wonder if I am a plus or a minus in people's lives. Some I think I am a plus others I think doesnt matter either way. Sometimes I wish I could walk out of some people's and see what their reactions would be. If they would realise that I do bring some dynamics to their lives that they truly need. Not that I want to think that people NEED me. But that they appreciate me being there.

I've felt unappreciated in people's lives before. And I left. And later when we rekindled they showed greater appreciation for me being there. But why does it have to become "lack of" for them to appreciate? Why take people for granted. And not everyone may be lucky enough to be rekindled with an friend or loved one to then show appreciation.

But I really wonder sometimes what is my worth to others and if loosing me would be worth it.

Sickness

2008-06-25T19:58:00.003-04:00

Today I was sick. Whenever I start to think about coming off my medication I think I get extremely sick and it scares me to come off. Today I was sick!! And can't think of anything that could have triggered it. I ate on time, ate over time. But I sometimes forget to take my medication. I didn't yesterday but the two days before I only remembered the days after.

But as I look back on the past few weeks, this is the first time that I have been down. Both physically or mentally. I have been on a great level. I have not cried in weeks. Have been totally happy. Ready to get up and look forward to the next day. Excited about the day. Excited about the nights. Waiting with bated breath for plans to be made. And the simplest plans have brought smiles to my face. Trips to Royal Castle. Mornings spent just lazing watching television. It has truly been a relaxing and enjoyable visit thus far and I'm starting to get anxious about leaving and I still have a couple weeks to go.

It's not that I'm not ready to go back. I'm nervous. Worried that this joy and who I am right now will disappear and the past few months person would reappear. Sad, angry, worried, untrusting, nervous, angry, hurting, wanting person. That person I hate. That person I would hate to get back into.

But things are getting clearer for me now. It has taken some time but I think slowly and surely I will find my way. Little by little my mind is sorting out all the jumble that's in there. All the feelings, thoughts and putting them in order. Slowly and surely I'm clearing up my head, my life, my plans. And surely this bliss will be permanent.

'Twas a good day!!

2008-06-23T09:25:00.006-04:00

Yesterday was a good day. I decided I was getting out of the house and have fun and I did. It was a really good day. I rallied up the girls and we headed out to have lunch. Jemma's was a good move. The drive up allowed those who hadn't venture on that side for a while a good view of what's going on. The review of lunch can be read here.

After lunch and snacks for some we headed back down to "town" stopping to hang at a friends house for a little while before. We decided that the beach was the next option so to Store Bay we went. As we broke onto the top we were attacked by renters. "Baby yuh want a chair?" "Baby yuh go need ah umbrella" "Baby we does tek card yunno" Ah ok. After a fight between sugar lips and another man we eventually got 2 chairs at a discount and an umbrella. The water was goood and cold. The beach was filled though with some people looking like they were there all day. We didn't stay to long though. About an hour. The sun was HOT and having just eaten sleep was becoming the main mission.

We left the beach with all intentions to head out for drinks later, ha! I had some tea at about 11pm when I woke up. Lol.

I am now well tanned. No one can ask me if i'm bleaching anymore.

The Theatre

2008-06-23T08:36:00.002-04:00

Life is a theater - invite your audience carefully.

Not everyone is spiritually healthy and mature enough to have a frontrow seat in our lives.

There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance.

It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go, or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible,not-going-anywhere, relationships/friendships/fellowships!

Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention to: Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill?

When you leave certain people, do you feel better or feel worse?

Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know and appreciate you and the gift that lies within you?

When you seek growth, peace of mind, love and truth, the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the FRONT ROW and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.

You cannot change the people around you...but you can change thepeople you are around!

Ask God for godly wisdom and discernment and choose wisely the people who sit in the front row of your life.

"Just because no one has shown up who can love you on your level, doesn't mean you sink to theirs!"

Tasting Blood!!

2008-06-22T10:16:00.002-04:00

Yuh ever so upset and confused is like you bite yuh tongue and it full ah blood? Well me neither till now. I cannot remember the last time i have gotten so upset, or hurt, or upset? Or Both? I was upset this morning, I got up went to church hoping yunno, but I am still upset. I think i have a headache and all. And I trying to see where this came from really. Steups. Imma now go put on my swimsuit and go drive around and eat out today. I need some release and food eaten at a restaurant always does that for me. Lol... well food ... anyway. Lmao. So let's hope I get this mood out of my system by the time I get back home.

The thing is I don't even know what is to be resloved to try and resolve it. So that means I don't know what the next move is so that means it's just going to be, I am sure, days of uncertainty. I certain I am pissed though. Steups. I tell you I think I blight yes. I best go Castara and get a bath!

Aye Aye

2008-06-21T10:39:00.002-04:00

I well write last night. Lol. With this "future posting" option I even shocking myself with what comes up. Hmm..

Anyway on lighter notes I ready to show mi toe. I wasn't shame or nothing before yunno. I just didn't know if you was ready to see it. I've seen worse though. I mean even on my toe. But as I think about it my toes have to be blight. I mean this toe, or was it the next one, was victim to a needle being in it for weeks, turning blue, black, green, having home made surgery on it with a candle and a razor blade, then being sent to the hospital to get it cleaned out with a tweezer then soaked in juice till the needle came out a week later. And this toe, or was it the other one, lost it's nail for a year after playing mas and crossing the stage in shoes that were too hard for me to wear but went perfectly with my IP's Golden costume. Mi poor toes.

But I couldnt find the inital pic of my toe taken early up in dance. But this is the final stages of the toe starting to be over worked.

So obviously I could not continue dancing on it like that. Especially every day. The skin below though is still so tender that it's not ready to touch on anything hard. So I have had to resort to fixing my toe to be danceable.

Yup that is tape. Well not dance tape because they don't sell anything like that here. It's a surgical bandage on the bottom because it has to be thick to withstand the pirouettes and jumps and the white tape, thanks to Bunga, to keep it in place for as long as possible. It works for an all 3 hours. Did I mention we dance for atleast 5? So yunno how much tape I will be going through with 5 more weeks to go to show. Sigh.

Mi poor toe!!

Letter to friends, family and loved ones!

2008-06-21T09:59:00.004-04:00

Dear Folks,

Today I have decided that enough is enough. I cannot go on like this anymore and I have decided to get this out to you. I have sent this "letter" to the people who are important to me and my life. I have also sent this to the people who have me as an important person in their life. I have also sent this to the persons who treat me like crap but profess that I am important in their life. These groups have some people doubling up. :)

The buck stops here on June 21st 2008. I am, as of now, not going to willingly allow any of you to make me feel like I am not important. I have been, by some of you at varying points, made to feel like I am not good enough. Some of you have even been very disrespectful to me. Some of you are not appreciative of the person I am, have been to you or will be to you. (Well as of now if you not then I not bothering with you anyway).

I have not been anything but caring and truthful and encouraging to my folks. For some I have bent over backwards. Was willing to put my life and my life savings on the line for some. Some whom have quickly forgotten those things. When you were stuck between a wall and a hard place, and no other friends were around to help you, I was the one running blood to help. I should have also casted a blind eye huh? Because now those friends seem to be more important to some.

Some of you seem to not respect the relationship we have spent years to build just to get some. I guess that is more important to you some.

Some have been all but loving and encouraging to me. Have helped me through the tough times, and I know will continue to. To those some I love you and thank you! You are greatly needed in my life to help guide me as best as I can.

So on this day I ask that if you fall into any of the "negative" categories that you can either step away from me. Loose all contact. It's ok. We're probably not meant to be friends, lovers, family. For those who may want to make some adjustments with our relationship now is the time to do it. You need to let me know though because you just might be a part of my "cleansing" and may be cut off and you're trying to adjust. Adjusting time wont be a long time though. So you may still adjust and be cleansed. :)

Have a blessed day!!!
Renz

Frustration: The Series

2008-06-21T09:37:00.005-04:00

I'm truly frustrated. Have been experiencing inner turmoil for sometime now. And I think I have gotten to the point where I am about to explode. This morning I wrote about 3 pages of my frustration and I wasn't done yet. When I saw the length I realized that truly I wasn't happy with where or who I was at this point in my life. Why? I think because I made the mistake in leaving some aspects of my life in the hands of some people who probably didn't care too much about my outcome.

This has not been the first time. A few years ago I got to a point of frustration where I decided that enough is enough. I took the decision to get rid of all the people and things that were not making me be the best person I could. I stopped trying to fix petty problems with a girlfriend who continuously found fault with things I did that involved other people. eventually I figured that she was jealous of me having other friends. I decided to stop loving my then boyfriend who was a bit more concerned with his life and his friends than our relationship. I decided then that I needed to find something to make me happy and so the search was on for a better me. But getting to this stage then was not an easy one. I was tossed and turned and thrown and abused. At times I even succumbed to the abuse. Spent nights crying myself to bed. Became less trusting of people around me.

Through this all though I never ever felt the need to disrespect these same people who were less than nice to me. I fought through and eventually things picked up. I was back to the happy, go lucky, laughing person that I once was.

Now I'm back at that old point. Some situations new, some old. Some people old, some new. And I'm ready to cleanse again. I need to. And so my frustration lies. But don't worry I'm taking stock. Everything will be aired!!

In Tribute to Yesterday!!!

2008-06-20T15:10:00.002-04:00

Im on the outside

I’m looking in

I can see through you

See your true colours

- Staind, Outside.

So yunno when I start to sing is wuh? Yesterday was my first miserable day in Tobago. I guess the vacation is over huh? I had nothing to say to anyone all day today. My mom tried her best to get me “up”. I wasn’t in the mood. I was described as pensive. If I could have found a hole just to relax in for the day with no one around I would have been quite happy. At 5 pm I was wishing it was 11 so that I could just go to bed.

The mind is a powerful thing yes. You can trust someone 100% and just one insy winsy thing can be said or mentioned or seen and you start to question and trust is basically lost. Trust is this thing that doesn’t work halfway. Is either yes or no and after years of Yeses it can take 2 seconds for it to be Nos.

I have been here for weeks without internet and I have not been as miserable as I am today. I feel bummy. Will continue to feel bummy today and would just hope that tomorrow brings a washing. But I somehow feel I have digressed into my private box or outside of the normal world’s box and looking in. I guess we’ll see what happens.

Steups!!

2008-06-20T10:23:00.001-04:00

Phone line down again... no sign of TSTT again... Have to be bumming internet AGAIN!! Sigh!!!

Sips on Drink

2008-06-17T16:19:00.003-04:00

It's great being home yunno. I'm so free. My mind is on full relax. I sleep, eat, dance, party with my friends, sleep, eat. Well you get the point. There is nothing for me to worry about. Before the day is out someone is calling to find out "what we doing this evening". I mean I'm having such a good time my mother thought the police was trying to call her one morning cause she didn't see me come home yet at 6 am. (Tell me this woman is NOT mad!!)

It has really been a refreshing time, regardless of my busted toes (pics will be posted at some point), and having dance everyday from 6 to 10. Coming for vacation was trully a good move on my part seeing that I had such a ROUGH emotional past months. I don't think anyone can understand how much I had been taken over with stuff. I was so disappointed in myself that I had become such a negative person compared to my usual jovial self. I hope this trip is a cleansing for me. At this moment I can say it is.

For this week I would hopefully get the chance to hit the beach. It's a holiday in this week so I know we doing something tomorrow night, Thursday is a holiday, then it's the weekend. Sunday we have a round the island trip proposed. Excitement!!! Pics are being taken but I think Imma just post all after this vacation is done!!

Men

2008-06-17T15:51:00.002-04:00

Do they ever know what they really want? They say they want something specific but sometimes act like the want everything. Trusting them for me is a trick. They're never ready when you want to and when they finally ready they upset that you have decided to safeguard yourself. They have something good in their life, they play around with it, it's only when the good leaves they seem to figure it out. Or they have something good but still want to play! I hope they figure it out soon. Some of them may miss out on the best things that may happen to them.

Aaaahhhhhh

2008-06-16T16:57:00.002-04:00

Finally... I have internet. Lawd God!! This dam woman up the road decides she must burn a fire by the phone line. Burns the whole line down so nobody after her has phone. When TSTT finally comes out they mix up the lines.... Call my number u get the neighbor. Finally after harassing friends EVERYDAY they don't want to hear me again... so a week after it's back!!!! Yeaaaaa

Dammit.. i have dance now. Fill you guys in later!! *Prays phone stays working*

On Vacation but yet...

2008-06-08T14:36:00.003-04:00

I would have loved to be on vacation TOTALLY, but life goes on doesn't it. I would have loved for everything else that have been going on in my life to be "on vacation" too and I could just relax and enjoy my time. But if ever life was so easy.

This time home acts as more than just a vacation for me though. It's suppose to give time for reflection and reorganizations of relationships. From the way it has started already doesn't look like they would be positive improvements. I'm tired being the one reaching out all the time and with no interest of others reaching back.

Life is weird isn't it? Why make plans for the future when you not even sure what the future is going bring? It's like setting goals is a waste of time and just brings broken dreams and hearts. Why must this bother me when it bothers no one else. Anyway.... enough of this. It's lunch time.

Sigh

2008-06-08T13:10:00.001-04:00

I'm home and happy. But I miss my Uncle. Today I heard this song on the radio. His favourite song. I dedicate this to him on this Sunday morning.

Worthy Is the Lamb - The Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir

Vacation: Day 1

2008-06-08T12:20:00.004-04:00

Yes, it's day one. I got in on Wednesday, slept all of Thursday, got up and did something for an hour on Friday and slept. So I really started my vacation yesterday. Yesterday was hectic. I got up and went to the grocery. These people at this house only eat salads. Steups. That suppose to do what to me? So I did the whole grocery list thing. That thing is serious. I am sure I got like ten items and the cashier said $200 and something. I was like huh? My gosh. How families making out that have like 6 members? Or are Bagonians making a good enough salary to make up for these ridiculous prices in the supermarkets?

After the run to the supermarket I had dance starting at 2pm. Can you say UGH? I actually started dance on Thursday since then I have been in P A I N. It has been two years since I have stopped dancing full time. My muscles have no memory. So now I am in some S E R I O U S pain. Lol. And my toe buss. (I don't care what Ali says, I see fresh skin that means my toe buss and not split) Wearing shoes is not an option for long and I still have to continue dancing on the toe. Did I mention that I have dance from 6pm till every day of the week except Thursdays and Sundays until June 11th? I will be out of pain by next week though. Dance was over at 6pm and I had to then walk my aching body to meet my mom at the hairdresser.

Pain or no pain though we were intent on hanging out. I mean I was on vacation, had been complaining about not being able to go out all the time, so staying home was not an option. The Deep was the option to hang out, but due to technical difficulties, The Deep was closed for the night. With those words I think my body started a downward spiral. So after an hour out of the house, the option of "going out" was scrapped.

So I'm into another day, let's see what happens!!

Later!!

waves

2008-06-07T12:14:00.004-04:00

Hey there. It's been a while since I've been on here. Things have been so hectic. Ok Ok.. I've just been lazy really. And I've taken up the habit of righting my thoughts on pieces of paper now. I mean, anywhere i can find a corner of paper I jut things down. So after doing that I don't feel like writing it over again. This has equaled to no posting on blogger. Things have been going on though. Good, bad and in between. Classes are out for about 5 weeks and I'm happy to say I finished my term with two As. Yeaaa..no more Biology.

I am officially on vacation right now. Yipee for me. And I'm in hot Tobago. H O T!! My gosh. It feels like a different kind of heat this rounds. The trip home was uhm interesting. I am unsure of what my verdict is on American Airlines and their service. I know that everytime I fly with them I say it's the last time. Trying to sell me a frowzy old sandwich for $5. Madness!! And what is up with Trini's trying to be tour guides and dunno what they talking about. Lmao. I'm sitting behind this guy on the plane who seems like he hasnt been to Trinidad in years but he has his American girlfriend/wife with him and her daughter so he has to impress. She sees something in the sky and asks what's that. He says it's a kite and proceeds to tell her what a kite is. I look out the window. I then look at him. I look out the window. I'm like "That's the Blimp eh!" Lmao.

I'm home though. And it's good to be home. Everybody's happy to see me...till next week. lol. I'm dancing too. And I have already suffered an injury. I've been here two days and have had to learn three dances already. What a vacation right? But it's fun and I'll keep dropping in to share all the fun!!!

Have a good one!!

When...

2008-05-31T16:23:00.001-04:00

you have been cheated on and hurt by someone the hardest thing is to trust that person again!!

Steups!

2008-05-31T13:48:00.003-04:00

It's a Saturday and I'm stuck at home. I so wanted to go to Miami today to get somethings. Nobody wonders if I want to do something, or fed up in the house. No I lie, my sister did call and say she on the road and would be back up soon. I hate having to wait to see if people would make time for me. But hopefully I'll have my own car in a timing. And they gonna have to GPS my shit. Lol. The same way people leave the house and go do what they want, when they want, is just so Imma be moving. I won't have to ask anybody if I can, or wait to see if they gonna come home and see if I need anything. I hungry at home, I can just go get something to eat. Imma just ride out. I going on the road. Don't have to tell nobody where I going and be back by a certain time. Yea!!!

But that doesn't help me today. I'm still in the house and hungry and ready to pass out. But who cares right?

Sigh

2008-05-30T11:35:00.002-04:00

I was up and good this morning. Ready to conquer the world, then I just slipped into a funk. Why does this song keep playing over and over in my head??

I know it's been some time
But there's something on my mind
You see, I haven't been the same
Since that cold November day...
We said we needed space
But all we found was an empty place
And the only thing I learned
Is that I need you desperately...

So here I am
And can you please tell me... oh

Chorus:
Where do broken hearts go
Can they find their way home
Back to the open arms
Of a love that's waiting there
And if somebody loves you
Won't they always love you
I look in your eyes
And I know that you still care, for me

I've been around enough to know
That dreams don't turn to gold
And that there is no easy way
No you just can't run away...
And what we have is so much more
Than we ever had before
And no matter how I try
You're always on my mind

chorus

And now that I am here with you
I'll never let you go
I look into your eyes
And now I know, now I know...

chorus

- Where do broken hearts go, Whitney Houston

Ahhh!!!

2008-05-29T20:43:00.002-04:00

One stress down. 99 more to go. Lol. My finals are done. I did that exam in ten minutes. I don't dilly dally with options in a exam. I make up my mind about an answer and I stick to it. So giving me 20 multiple/true and false was madness. I wasn't the only one done quickly though. But it was a good exam. I think Imma make an A average in this class. Which is good!!

Schools over now to deal with the other stuff.

Substitute Lover??

2008-05-29T20:31:00.003-04:00

You know who it is
Oh boy Oh boy
I'm not your substitute lover (said I'm not)
Said boy I'm not your substitute lover

I know it would have been nice if i could have had your body
Knowing that everybody ain't been with you
but you told me lies you made me give my heart away
but now i know the games you play
So I'm thru with you

Oh boy oh boy
i'm not your substitute lover oh no
said boy oh boy i'm not your substitute lover oh no

you know theres gonna be a fight if these chicks keep calling you at night
i see that text your tryin to hide see i know the truth
must be outta your mind you thought you'd never see the day
you thought id let a player play but imma upgrade you, listen boy

Oh boy oh boy
i'm not your substitute lover oh no
said boy oh boy i'm not your sub lover oh no

See theres not much you can say
he said hes done changed and i finished today
cus i cant do it no more i will be there when you call
so you besta move on (move on)
because i couldn't be your substitute no more

listen,i see you called out my name like i I going outta fashion and
turn around and act like nothing aint happen like
nah, nothing's cracking, only when u need a chick,
only when you think about this hotness you get the itch
that's when you get the itch, baby let me be your bitch
boy who you think this is, bad gyul nuh tek this!
acting like a little boy, have me like a decoy
you need to grow a couple boy, you ent get nothing boy

Oh boy oh boy
i'm not your substitute lover oh no
said boy oh boy i'm not your sub lover oh no

- No Substitute Love, Estelle

Lyfe: 2008

Ugh

2009 Approaches ...

How Stupid of Me!

Countdown Time

Single Sisters

I hate Florida...

I have a feeling

Steups

Miami Carnival 2k8

Bring it on!!!

Im Baaaaccckkk

Off with my Head!!

Uh Hmm

Yeaaa

*Grabs Dress and Runs up to Podium*

I just threw up in my mouth!!

Clues that your partner is cheating.

Subscribers

Your Reputation

Pleasure and Pain

Yippee

She Devils

Good Love

Thank you!!

Today I realized...

Movie List

What kills me...

Music

Tattoo!!

End and Beginning

Yesterday...to... Today

Decisions, Decisions

Damaged

Refix!!

Grrrr

Is it Fair...

Reflections!!!

Lyfe!!!

Steups

Im Hungry!!

Thinking about Me!!!

It's not that hard is it?

Nothing can beat:...

BitterSweet Week

Dese dam Help Desks

Wuh is dat on yuh teet?

Waste ah day!!

Run Run Run Ruuuuun!!!

Get thee Hence Satan!!

Second time Around

My escape through music!!

Insomnia!!

Prayer for Guidance!!

Inside!

Confession Time!!

All of my Energy!

No More Games!

Drugs

It's carnival Time!!

I am a sucker!!

It's 1.24 am do you know where your child is?

Back to the Grind!

Some People..

In the blink of an eye.

My Time is UP!!!

I won't Let you Lie to Yourself

It's That Time!!!

Yunno what sucks though...

Hola

My Song for Today!!

Steups...

Memories

Secret Stalker?

Peace Begins with You!

Words

For Me or not to BE!

Sickness

'Twas a good day!!

The Theatre

Grabs Dress and Runs up to Podium

Sips on Drink

waves