Since I've been back in Miami it has been much of a roller coaster ride for me. I came back here with expectations that didn't happen as I hoped it would have. It was quite a blow and is something I have been dealing with day by day since then. In all the hoopla I was very concerned about loosing who I was and becoming something or someone I surely didn't want to be. I loved who I was before and it was really hard for me to see that I seemed to be becoming something else and something I didn't like.

I was pleasantly surprised this week when I was contacted by a good friend of mine who has over the years supported me through some of my own dilemmas as I have supported them through theirs. We met while I was in college over 1oo miles away from where my mother sent me to study. Lol. And it was friends at first sight. We started a classic relationship that by miracles and some kind of pixie dust met up in Miami a few years after and having the same affiliations surprisingly with no planning from us. This is one person who I can say understands Renee and who she is and what she has to offer and respects Renee (why am I talkin about myself in the third person? lol) And I trully appreciate that from them. They got and appreciated both the good sides (the fun loving, travel loving, food, family side) and the bad sides (sick, angry, disappointed side) and I think that's what made us be friends to this level till this time.

Anyways it's funny what makes people appreciate what's in their life. You never know when things can happen that can change your life forever. Over the past few months that has been reiterated heavily in my life. I lost my Uncle earlier in the year, then a friend later and my cousin not a few weeks ago, all suddenly. In between those sessions there have also been deaths of associates, also suddenly.

Now I have never once questioned the feelings for this friendship. Outsiders easily saw that the camraderie there could not be broken. Yesterday said friend was moved to shock over an incident that as a result moved me to almost tears and a few minutes of joy. Our relationship is close to brutal, you know the ones where the third person isn't too sure if to step in to stop the war or that "they just playing"? Thats what we have. So when the conversation was started with just a plain, calm "Hi" my instant reaction was "what happen?" Then I was told about this motorcylce accident that happened. Where people were outside hanging out and this girl and her friend were trying out her new bike. The guy was attempting to show how fast it could go, all the while everybody is just chilling and watching, when they ran into a truck and both were decapitated on the spot. In less than 5 minutes it turned from a lime outside to death. Death!! Comes at some weird times. Anyway friend decided today to let me know that we never know what can happen when and they just needed me to know that they love me and appreciated everything that I have done and who I am. And didn't want it to ever happen that I never heard it from them, even though I may know it.

So by now you're probably wondering what the two have to do with each other right? This feeling of dispair I have and friend's verbal expression of love. I felt so happy hearing that yesterday because I realised that I have not lost who I was. And that I am still appreciated by the people who know who I am. That some people value me for what I'm worth. Where I was questioning if I trully had lost Renee, here was someone who still saw the Renee that I thought I had lost. And I was happy. Not soon after saying that though it was back to the same abusive behaviour that has defined our relationship for the past almost 8 years.

Reflections allow people to see the folks who are important to them. Some people need to reflect more. But it is sometimes too late when reflections take place. Take this time to tell the people you love that you love them and appreciate them and love them. Take the time because you never know when your 5 minutes might change.

Today I had all intentions of coming to talk about the things that I have been up to. But the wind was quickly knocked out of me at 7am this morning when I went to facebook to send a message to a friend and someone had posted on her wall R.I.P. Confused I called another friend whose phone went to voicemail so I proceeded to call another friend who very calmly and matter of factly stated that "she Dead". At that time I was pissed. Pissed that I had not contacted Carissa when I was suppose to. Pissed that this other person just matter of factly said she dead like it wasnt a loss. I proceeded to call her aunt and found out that indeed she was killed in a Freak accident last night.

It's amazing how things can change in less than a second. Finished working at her summer job, this SGU student and her boyfriend were out. He lost control of the vehicle and ran into a pole. They came out and informed family what happened and was waiting. Another car coming from the opposite direction passed and the wires from the pole were ran over and it got into contact with the couple sending male into a tree and Carissa to heaven. :(

I met Carissa when she was still a student at Bishop's High School and a member of my dance company's junior group. She would annoy the HELL out of me. Slow and unsure of her serlf and her body, she wasnt one of the best dancers but that wasn't what got me upset with her. Carissa would just allow people to do her what they want. She was a bit shy, laid back and unassuming. But she was then 15 years old. Now at 18 and fully enjoying life with her school mates in Grenada, her boyfriend and her friends here. She was excited about everything that was to pass. Had all her nights planned out for the holidays. Was working and felt like an adult. Carissa had finally found herself and was quickly taken away. No one's fault. Though her grandmother insists that she was hard of hearing and should have been heading home, doesn't mean that her life would have been speared. In fact it was initially with that first accident.

R.I.P babygirl. I am happy that you were finally enjoying life. That you found yourself. You had struggles as a kid that not every kid has had to endure and you pushed through them and became an amazing, fun loving, hardworkingm encouraging, promising young lady. And I know you are now looking down on us with that big smile.

Today is trully a sad day for those who interacted with you. A loss that has most of us in total shock. But you are in a better place. I pray for guidance and strength for your family on friends left on this earth to mourn their loss.

R.I.P Carissa James!!