Today I was sick. Whenever I start to think about coming off my medication I think I get extremely sick and it scares me to come off. Today I was sick!! And can't think of anything that could have triggered it. I ate on time, ate over time. But I sometimes forget to take my medication. I didn't yesterday but the two days before I only remembered the days after.

But as I look back on the past few weeks, this is the first time that I have been down. Both physically or mentally. I have been on a great level. I have not cried in weeks. Have been totally happy. Ready to get up and look forward to the next day. Excited about the day. Excited about the nights. Waiting with bated breath for plans to be made. And the simplest plans have brought smiles to my face. Trips to Royal Castle. Mornings spent just lazing watching television. It has truly been a relaxing and enjoyable visit thus far and I'm starting to get anxious about leaving and I still have a couple weeks to go.

It's not that I'm not ready to go back. I'm nervous. Worried that this joy and who I am right now will disappear and the past few months person would reappear. Sad, angry, worried, untrusting, nervous, angry, hurting, wanting person. That person I hate. That person I would hate to get back into.

But things are getting clearer for me now. It has taken some time but I think slowly and surely I will find my way. Little by little my mind is sorting out all the jumble that's in there. All the feelings, thoughts and putting them in order. Slowly and surely I'm clearing up my head, my life, my plans. And surely this bliss will be permanent.