I am so disappointed in myself tonight it's not funny. I ended back up in a place tonight I promised myself a few months ago that I will never go back. I know how I ended back there tonight and I'm upset that I let it go there. I tried really hard to let it ease by, but I have this stupid gene that thinks I can talk things through with people and they would actually listen to what I'm saying and try to understand.

I know that it was heading into this from early. A few months back I decided to hold my emotions. It surely doesn't make sense to me to get upset about things anymore. When it came down to the long run, the only person that was upset and bothered was me. Everyone else carried on with their joyful lives as usual while I was there sitting sad and worried about how everyone else was feeling. I also decided to just adjust to things. Whatever people throw at me I'll switch to suit. If they want to throw acid in my eye ok, they just better cover theirs. It has come down to a "If you can't beat them, join em". If people choose to treat me a certain way, I'm going to do the same. If you could do this then I can too. And this was working great for me.. until tonight.

I really tried to take it and continue, but you surely know that when something is not in your nature you can't really fake it. Im upset though and I hope this doesn't set me back into the ranges that I have been in for the past few months cause I can't go back there. I've worked too hard to get out of that funk to fall back into it so quickly. Where is 2009???