Lyfe: 2008

Steups...

Posted by Drunk or Sober Mind yuh Bizness in Lyfe

Why am I even bothering? Surely some people are not ready and I keep realising that more and more each day!

I got stood up tonight. It's nothing new though. I get that some way or the other from people. I'm not even really upset. I don't think I get to that anymore but I'm disappointed. I wish I had the effect on people to want to go the extra mile to make sure that they keep up their part of the bargain. But no, as usual, Renze would take whatever reason (excuse?) they would muster up. Because I'm nice like that.

It's ironic that I asked today "If I don't call you, you won't call me" and the answer was "No. I'll call you later". Well I better not hold my breathe. I'm not calling anyone back though. It's ironic that plans were made with me yet I'm the one who gets stood up. It's ironic that I was the one disrespected but yet I seem to be having to take the blame and fix the situation.

Steups, flickin waste ah time yes. Because this BS is just going to continue happening.

Memories

Posted by Drunk or Sober Mind yuh Bizness in Friendz, Lyfe, Relationships

My family made sure that we had a lot of these. They ensured that they created moments that we would remember and cherish for the rest of our lives. I assumed everyone had the same experience.

I remember our trips to Barbados with all the cousins and aunts. Trips to New Jersey. Our round the island trips packing everyone into the land rover with food and floating devices to spend the day. Our trips to Trinidad to shop for Christmas, for tennis tournaments, for dance classes. All or most fun times that were created and shaped who I am today. I assumed everyone had the same experience.

As I got older I started to create my own memories. I wanted to be able to sit back later and say oh remember when we did this? Laugh at "oh doh forget when we went to...". And I was able to for the most part. My tennis team in my early teens we created some great memories that we still talk about. Sliding on the terazzo with water and someone ending up in the hospital. Eating the nasty food from Petrotrin's Mess and getting food poisoning.

My dance buddies and I have an enormous vault of memories. Experiencing the Coup and staying right opposite the barracks in Long Circular. Being in port of spain and a vagrant taking away one of the girls drink. Rofl. Convincing a taxi on Charlotte Street to take 8 of us in his car to drop us off in Barataria. Missing a flight and our bags already on. Trips to St Vincent. Carnival memories in Port Of Spain. Dancing in stupid costumes. Falls, splits, tears, laughs.

My college friends. Road trips, Binges. House parties, Shopping trips. Cute boys, Not so cute boys. Stalkers. Bad break ups! Laughs, tears, depressions.

Memories with Boyfriends. Dinners, dates, movies, shopping trips, long nights, quiet nights, break ups. Boyfriends ending up in the hospital after attempting to cook and they got burnt. Walks on the beach. Bedrooms filled with candles

Things that I will hold in my mind for ever. Some good some bad. Some that will stand out more than others. Some that I will cherish for ever and some that I will rather quickly forget.

So when I interact with some people and they can't remember having done this or interested in doing that. Don't have any recollection of anything being done I sometimes wonder. Was it that they just didn't have a chance to do things, things weren't very memorable for them or that they just didn't care?

But memories are something that I want to continue making for myself and not just waiting to see what happens. So as I sit and reminisce today, here's to all the things that I have experienced and thank you to all the people who made them possible.

Secret Stalker?

Posted by Drunk or Sober Mind yuh Bizness in Lyfe, Music

*Phone Rings*

It is too early for people to be calling me especially since I went to bed LATE this morning. Steups.

*Answers Phone*

Rushes to turn on Radio.

I got a dedication today. Who the hell? I know who it's NOT. And I really HEART this song!! I do. Weird. *Blush*. I don't even get dedications on valentines day, or my birthday so on an arbitrary day for no reason? Hmmm... So you think I should be looking out for flower deliveries too? Wait thinking about that I never got flowers delivered to me either? Buh wuh de arse, either I date unromantic dudes or they see me as just not worth it!!! Lmao. *Thinks about sending flowers to myself*.

Anyway my dedication song:
*Goes back to bed*

If I was to tell you just how much I need you, would you come tonight
Or would you not believe me cuz a love that easy never turns out right
I’m trying to change the rules you deserve something good in your life
We’ve waited for far too long so come get your blessing tonight baby

Chorus:
Wont you come over love, Sure I can show you love
Promise I got enough to give you all that you need baby
So many search to find, A love that is good as mine
I will not waste your time so bring it all to me baby

Baby let me teach you, give you love instruction, show you what I know
Need to take it easy, no need rush it, baby go nice and slow
All this love I can go to you, I expect just a bit in return
You don’t have to be perfect as long as you’re willing to learn baby

Wont you come over love, sure I can show you love
Promise I got enough to give you all that you need baby
So many search to find a love that is good as mine
I will not waste your time so bring it all to me baby

Turn out the lights, give you all my love tonight
Lets do what lover do, im ready, im ready
I don’t want to waste your time
So don’t make me beg tonight
Don’t keep me waiting for love
Wont you come over tonight

- Estelle, Come Over

Peace Begins with You!

Posted by Drunk or Sober Mind yuh Bizness in Lyfe, Rev Run

Thursday June 26 2008

Good morning. Peace begins with you. A happy peaceful lifestyle is in your hands. Avoid strife, arguments etc. Talk to people the way you want to be spoken to. The scripture says ... A soft answer turns away wrath. (Be courteous and friendly...) The scripture also says, in order to have friends you must show yourself friendly. BE THE PEACE that you desire! :-)

GOD IS LOVE

REV RUN

Words

Posted by Drunk or Sober Mind yuh Bizness in Lyfe

You can't take some people's words to plant rice. It's not worth it. It's a quality I HATE. They say they going to do something and don't do it. Sometimes don't even have the audacity to say they not going to do it. And always have some excuse, or a reason, that is so valid to them why they didn't do it. IF YOU NOT GOING TO DO SOMETHING DON'T SAY THAT YOU ARE!!

For Me or not to BE!

Posted by Drunk or Sober Mind yuh Bizness in Family, Friendz, Lyfe, Relationships

I sometimes wonder if I am a plus or a minus in people's lives. Some I think I am a plus others I think doesnt matter either way. Sometimes I wish I could walk out of some people's and see what their reactions would be. If they would realise that I do bring some dynamics to their lives that they truly need. Not that I want to think that people NEED me. But that they appreciate me being there.

I've felt unappreciated in people's lives before. And I left. And later when we rekindled they showed greater appreciation for me being there. But why does it have to become "lack of" for them to appreciate? Why take people for granted. And not everyone may be lucky enough to be rekindled with an friend or loved one to then show appreciation.

But I really wonder sometimes what is my worth to others and if loosing me would be worth it.

Sickness

Posted by Drunk or Sober Mind yuh Bizness in Lyfe

Today I was sick. Whenever I start to think about coming off my medication I think I get extremely sick and it scares me to come off. Today I was sick!! And can't think of anything that could have triggered it. I ate on time, ate over time. But I sometimes forget to take my medication. I didn't yesterday but the two days before I only remembered the days after.

But as I look back on the past few weeks, this is the first time that I have been down. Both physically or mentally. I have been on a great level. I have not cried in weeks. Have been totally happy. Ready to get up and look forward to the next day. Excited about the day. Excited about the nights. Waiting with bated breath for plans to be made. And the simplest plans have brought smiles to my face. Trips to Royal Castle. Mornings spent just lazing watching television. It has truly been a relaxing and enjoyable visit thus far and I'm starting to get anxious about leaving and I still have a couple weeks to go.

It's not that I'm not ready to go back. I'm nervous. Worried that this joy and who I am right now will disappear and the past few months person would reappear. Sad, angry, worried, untrusting, nervous, angry, hurting, wanting person. That person I hate. That person I would hate to get back into.

But things are getting clearer for me now. It has taken some time but I think slowly and surely I will find my way. Little by little my mind is sorting out all the jumble that's in there. All the feelings, thoughts and putting them in order. Slowly and surely I'm clearing up my head, my life, my plans. And surely this bliss will be permanent.

'Twas a good day!!

Posted by Drunk or Sober Mind yuh Bizness in Friendz, Lyfe, Vacation

Yesterday was a good day. I decided I was getting out of the house and have fun and I did. It was a really good day. I rallied up the girls and we headed out to have lunch. Jemma's was a good move. The drive up allowed those who hadn't venture on that side for a while a good view of what's going on. The review of lunch can be read here.

After lunch and snacks for some we headed back down to "town" stopping to hang at a friends house for a little while before. We decided that the beach was the next option so to Store Bay we went. As we broke onto the top we were attacked by renters. "Baby yuh want a chair?" "Baby yuh go need ah umbrella" "Baby we does tek card yunno" Ah ok. After a fight between sugar lips and another man we eventually got 2 chairs at a discount and an umbrella. The water was goood and cold. The beach was filled though with some people looking like they were there all day. We didn't stay to long though. About an hour. The sun was HOT and having just eaten sleep was becoming the main mission.

We left the beach with all intentions to head out for drinks later, ha! I had some tea at about 11pm when I woke up. Lol.

I am now well tanned. No one can ask me if i'm bleaching anymore.

The Theatre

Posted by Drunk or Sober Mind yuh Bizness in Lyfe, Relationships

Life is a theater - invite your audience carefully.

Not everyone is spiritually healthy and mature enough to have a frontrow seat in our lives.

There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance.

It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go, or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible,not-going-anywhere, relationships/friendships/fellowships!

Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention to: Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill?

When you leave certain people, do you feel better or feel worse?

Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know and appreciate you and the gift that lies within you?

When you seek growth, peace of mind, love and truth, the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the FRONT ROW and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.

You cannot change the people around you...but you can change thepeople you are around!

Ask God for godly wisdom and discernment and choose wisely the people who sit in the front row of your life.

"Just because no one has shown up who can love you on your level, doesn't mean you sink to theirs!"

Tasting Blood!!

Posted by Drunk or Sober Mind yuh Bizness in Friendz, Lyfe, Relationships

Yuh ever so upset and confused is like you bite yuh tongue and it full ah blood? Well me neither till now. I cannot remember the last time i have gotten so upset, or hurt, or upset? Or Both? I was upset this morning, I got up went to church hoping yunno, but I am still upset. I think i have a headache and all. And I trying to see where this came from really. Steups. Imma now go put on my swimsuit and go drive around and eat out today. I need some release and food eaten at a restaurant always does that for me. Lol... well food ... anyway. Lmao. So let's hope I get this mood out of my system by the time I get back home.

The thing is I don't even know what is to be resloved to try and resolve it. So that means I don't know what the next move is so that means it's just going to be, I am sure, days of uncertainty. I certain I am pissed though. Steups. I tell you I think I blight yes. I best go Castara and get a bath!

Aye Aye

Posted by Drunk or Sober Mind yuh Bizness in Dance, Lyfe

I well write last night. Lol. With this "future posting" option I even shocking myself with what comes up. Hmm..

Anyway on lighter notes I ready to show mi toe. I wasn't shame or nothing before yunno. I just didn't know if you was ready to see it. I've seen worse though. I mean even on my toe. But as I think about it my toes have to be blight. I mean this toe, or was it the next one, was victim to a needle being in it for weeks, turning blue, black, green, having home made surgery on it with a candle and a razor blade, then being sent to the hospital to get it cleaned out with a tweezer then soaked in juice till the needle came out a week later. And this toe, or was it the other one, lost it's nail for a year after playing mas and crossing the stage in shoes that were too hard for me to wear but went perfectly with my IP's Golden costume. Mi poor toes.

But I couldnt find the inital pic of my toe taken early up in dance. But this is the final stages of the toe starting to be over worked.

So obviously I could not continue dancing on it like that. Especially every day. The skin below though is still so tender that it's not ready to touch on anything hard. So I have had to resort to fixing my toe to be danceable.

Yup that is tape. Well not dance tape because they don't sell anything like that here. It's a surgical bandage on the bottom because it has to be thick to withstand the pirouettes and jumps and the white tape, thanks to Bunga, to keep it in place for as long as possible. It works for an all 3 hours. Did I mention we dance for atleast 5? So yunno how much tape I will be going through with 5 more weeks to go to show. Sigh.

Mi poor toe!!

Letter to friends, family and loved ones!

Posted by Drunk or Sober Mind yuh Bizness in Family, Friendz, Lyfe, Relationships

Dear Folks,

Today I have decided that enough is enough. I cannot go on like this anymore and I have decided to get this out to you. I have sent this "letter" to the people who are important to me and my life. I have also sent this to the people who have me as an important person in their life. I have also sent this to the persons who treat me like crap but profess that I am important in their life. These groups have some people doubling up. :)

The buck stops here on June 21st 2008. I am, as of now, not going to willingly allow any of you to make me feel like I am not important. I have been, by some of you at varying points, made to feel like I am not good enough. Some of you have even been very disrespectful to me. Some of you are not appreciative of the person I am, have been to you or will be to you. (Well as of now if you not then I not bothering with you anyway).

I have not been anything but caring and truthful and encouraging to my folks. For some I have bent over backwards. Was willing to put my life and my life savings on the line for some. Some whom have quickly forgotten those things. When you were stuck between a wall and a hard place, and no other friends were around to help you, I was the one running blood to help. I should have also casted a blind eye huh? Because now those friends seem to be more important to some.

Some of you seem to not respect the relationship we have spent years to build just to get some. I guess that is more important to you some.

Some have been all but loving and encouraging to me. Have helped me through the tough times, and I know will continue to. To those some I love you and thank you! You are greatly needed in my life to help guide me as best as I can.

So on this day I ask that if you fall into any of the "negative" categories that you can either step away from me. Loose all contact. It's ok. We're probably not meant to be friends, lovers, family. For those who may want to make some adjustments with our relationship now is the time to do it. You need to let me know though because you just might be a part of my "cleansing" and may be cut off and you're trying to adjust. Adjusting time wont be a long time though. So you may still adjust and be cleansed. :)

Have a blessed day!!!
Renz

Frustration: The Series

Posted by Drunk or Sober Mind yuh Bizness in Family, Friendz, Lyfe, Relationships

I'm truly frustrated. Have been experiencing inner turmoil for sometime now. And I think I have gotten to the point where I am about to explode. This morning I wrote about 3 pages of my frustration and I wasn't done yet. When I saw the length I realized that truly I wasn't happy with where or who I was at this point in my life. Why? I think because I made the mistake in leaving some aspects of my life in the hands of some people who probably didn't care too much about my outcome.

This has not been the first time. A few years ago I got to a point of frustration where I decided that enough is enough. I took the decision to get rid of all the people and things that were not making me be the best person I could. I stopped trying to fix petty problems with a girlfriend who continuously found fault with things I did that involved other people. eventually I figured that she was jealous of me having other friends. I decided to stop loving my then boyfriend who was a bit more concerned with his life and his friends than our relationship. I decided then that I needed to find something to make me happy and so the search was on for a better me. But getting to this stage then was not an easy one. I was tossed and turned and thrown and abused. At times I even succumbed to the abuse. Spent nights crying myself to bed. Became less trusting of people around me.

Through this all though I never ever felt the need to disrespect these same people who were less than nice to me. I fought through and eventually things picked up. I was back to the happy, go lucky, laughing person that I once was.

Now I'm back at that old point. Some situations new, some old. Some people old, some new. And I'm ready to cleanse again. I need to. And so my frustration lies. But don't worry I'm taking stock. Everything will be aired!!

In Tribute to Yesterday!!!

Posted by Drunk or Sober Mind yuh Bizness in Lyfe

Im on the outside

I’m looking in

I can see through you

See your true colours

- Staind, Outside.

So yunno when I start to sing is wuh? Yesterday was my first miserable day in Tobago. I guess the vacation is over huh? I had nothing to say to anyone all day today. My mom tried her best to get me “up”. I wasn’t in the mood. I was described as pensive. If I could have found a hole just to relax in for the day with no one around I would have been quite happy. At 5 pm I was wishing it was 11 so that I could just go to bed.

The mind is a powerful thing yes. You can trust someone 100% and just one insy winsy thing can be said or mentioned or seen and you start to question and trust is basically lost. Trust is this thing that doesn’t work halfway. Is either yes or no and after years of Yeses it can take 2 seconds for it to be Nos.

I have been here for weeks without internet and I have not been as miserable as I am today. I feel bummy. Will continue to feel bummy today and would just hope that tomorrow brings a washing. But I somehow feel I have digressed into my private box or outside of the normal world’s box and looking in. I guess we’ll see what happens.

Steups!!

Posted by Drunk or Sober Mind yuh Bizness

Phone line down again... no sign of TSTT again... Have to be bumming internet AGAIN!! Sigh!!!

Sips on Drink

Posted by Drunk or Sober Mind yuh Bizness in Lyfe

It's great being home yunno. I'm so free. My mind is on full relax. I sleep, eat, dance, party with my friends, sleep, eat. Well you get the point. There is nothing for me to worry about. Before the day is out someone is calling to find out "what we doing this evening". I mean I'm having such a good time my mother thought the police was trying to call her one morning cause she didn't see me come home yet at 6 am. (Tell me this woman is NOT mad!!)

It has really been a refreshing time, regardless of my busted toes (pics will be posted at some point), and having dance everyday from 6 to 10. Coming for vacation was trully a good move on my part seeing that I had such a ROUGH emotional past months. I don't think anyone can understand how much I had been taken over with stuff. I was so disappointed in myself that I had become such a negative person compared to my usual jovial self. I hope this trip is a cleansing for me. At this moment I can say it is.

For this week I would hopefully get the chance to hit the beach. It's a holiday in this week so I know we doing something tomorrow night, Thursday is a holiday, then it's the weekend. Sunday we have a round the island trip proposed. Excitement!!! Pics are being taken but I think Imma just post all after this vacation is done!!

3 Rambles »

Men

Posted by Drunk or Sober Mind yuh Bizness in Lyfe

Do they ever know what they really want? They say they want something specific but sometimes act like the want everything. Trusting them for me is a trick. They're never ready when you want to and when they finally ready they upset that you have decided to safeguard yourself. They have something good in their life, they play around with it, it's only when the good leaves they seem to figure it out. Or they have something good but still want to play! I hope they figure it out soon. Some of them may miss out on the best things that may happen to them.

Aaaahhhhhh

Posted by Drunk or Sober Mind yuh Bizness in Lyfe

Finally... I have internet. Lawd God!! This dam woman up the road decides she must burn a fire by the phone line. Burns the whole line down so nobody after her has phone. When TSTT finally comes out they mix up the lines.... Call my number u get the neighbor. Finally after harassing friends EVERYDAY they don't want to hear me again... so a week after it's back!!!! Yeaaaaa

Dammit.. i have dance now. Fill you guys in later!! *Prays phone stays working*

On Vacation but yet...

Posted by Drunk or Sober Mind yuh Bizness in Lyfe, Relationships

I would have loved to be on vacation TOTALLY, but life goes on doesn't it. I would have loved for everything else that have been going on in my life to be "on vacation" too and I could just relax and enjoy my time. But if ever life was so easy.

This time home acts as more than just a vacation for me though. It's suppose to give time for reflection and reorganizations of relationships. From the way it has started already doesn't look like they would be positive improvements. I'm tired being the one reaching out all the time and with no interest of others reaching back.

Life is weird isn't it? Why make plans for the future when you not even sure what the future is going bring? It's like setting goals is a waste of time and just brings broken dreams and hearts. Why must this bother me when it bothers no one else. Anyway.... enough of this. It's lunch time.

Sigh

Posted by Drunk or Sober Mind yuh Bizness

I'm home and happy. But I miss my Uncle. Today I heard this song on the radio. His favourite song. I dedicate this to him on this Sunday morning.

Vacation: Day 1

Posted by Drunk or Sober Mind yuh Bizness in Lyfe, Vacation

Yes, it's day one. I got in on Wednesday, slept all of Thursday, got up and did something for an hour on Friday and slept. So I really started my vacation yesterday. Yesterday was hectic. I got up and went to the grocery. These people at this house only eat salads. Steups. That suppose to do what to me? So I did the whole grocery list thing. That thing is serious. I am sure I got like ten items and the cashier said $200 and something. I was like huh? My gosh. How families making out that have like 6 members? Or are Bagonians making a good enough salary to make up for these ridiculous prices in the supermarkets?

After the run to the supermarket I had dance starting at 2pm. Can you say UGH? I actually started dance on Thursday since then I have been in P A I N. It has been two years since I have stopped dancing full time. My muscles have no memory. So now I am in some S E R I O U S pain. Lol. And my toe buss. (I don't care what Ali says, I see fresh skin that means my toe buss and not split) Wearing shoes is not an option for long and I still have to continue dancing on the toe. Did I mention that I have dance from 6pm till every day of the week except Thursdays and Sundays until June 11th? I will be out of pain by next week though. Dance was over at 6pm and I had to then walk my aching body to meet my mom at the hairdresser.

Pain or no pain though we were intent on hanging out. I mean I was on vacation, had been complaining about not being able to go out all the time, so staying home was not an option. The Deep was the option to hang out, but due to technical difficulties, The Deep was closed for the night. With those words I think my body started a downward spiral. So after an hour out of the house, the option of "going out" was scrapped.

So I'm into another day, let's see what happens!!

Later!!

waves

Posted by Drunk or Sober Mind yuh Bizness in Lyfe

Hey there. It's been a while since I've been on here. Things have been so hectic. Ok Ok.. I've just been lazy really. And I've taken up the habit of righting my thoughts on pieces of paper now. I mean, anywhere i can find a corner of paper I jut things down. So after doing that I don't feel like writing it over again. This has equaled to no posting on blogger. Things have been going on though. Good, bad and in between. Classes are out for about 5 weeks and I'm happy to say I finished my term with two As. Yeaaa..no more Biology.

I am officially on vacation right now. Yipee for me. And I'm in hot Tobago. H O T!! My gosh. It feels like a different kind of heat this rounds. The trip home was uhm interesting. I am unsure of what my verdict is on American Airlines and their service. I know that everytime I fly with them I say it's the last time. Trying to sell me a frowzy old sandwich for $5. Madness!! And what is up with Trini's trying to be tour guides and dunno what they talking about. Lmao. I'm sitting behind this guy on the plane who seems like he hasnt been to Trinidad in years but he has his American girlfriend/wife with him and her daughter so he has to impress. She sees something in the sky and asks what's that. He says it's a kite and proceeds to tell her what a kite is. I look out the window. I then look at him. I look out the window. I'm like "That's the Blimp eh!" Lmao.

I'm home though. And it's good to be home. Everybody's happy to see me...till next week. lol. I'm dancing too. And I have already suffered an injury. I've been here two days and have had to learn three dances already. What a vacation right? But it's fun and I'll keep dropping in to share all the fun!!!

Have a good one!!