you have been cheated on and hurt by someone the hardest thing is to trust that person again!!
It's a Saturday and I'm stuck at home. I so wanted to go to Miami today to get somethings. Nobody wonders if I want to do something, or fed up in the house. No I lie, my sister did call and say she on the road and would be back up soon. I hate having to wait to see if people would make time for me. But hopefully I'll have my own car in a timing. And they gonna have to GPS my shit. Lol. The same way people leave the house and go do what they want, when they want, is just so Imma be moving. I won't have to ask anybody if I can, or wait to see if they gonna come home and see if I need anything. I hungry at home, I can just go get something to eat. Imma just ride out. I going on the road. Don't have to tell nobody where I going and be back by a certain time. Yea!!!
But that doesn't help me today. I'm still in the house and hungry and ready to pass out. But who cares right?
I was up and good this morning. Ready to conquer the world, then I just slipped into a funk. Why does this song keep playing over and over in my head??
I know it's been some time
But there's something on my mind
You see, I haven't been the same
Since that cold November day...
We said we needed space
But all we found was an empty place
And the only thing I learned
Is that I need you desperately...
So here I am
And can you please tell me... oh
Chorus:
Where do broken hearts go
Can they find their way home
Back to the open arms
Of a love that's waiting there
And if somebody loves you
Won't they always love you
I look in your eyes
And I know that you still care, for me
I've been around enough to know
That dreams don't turn to gold
And that there is no easy way
No you just can't run away...
And what we have is so much more
Than we ever had before
And no matter how I try
You're always on my mind
chorus
And now that I am here with you
I'll never let you go
I look into your eyes
And now I know, now I know...
chorus
But there's something on my mind
You see, I haven't been the same
Since that cold November day...
We said we needed space
But all we found was an empty place
And the only thing I learned
Is that I need you desperately...
So here I am
And can you please tell me... oh
Chorus:
Where do broken hearts go
Can they find their way home
Back to the open arms
Of a love that's waiting there
And if somebody loves you
Won't they always love you
I look in your eyes
And I know that you still care, for me
I've been around enough to know
That dreams don't turn to gold
And that there is no easy way
No you just can't run away...
And what we have is so much more
Than we ever had before
And no matter how I try
You're always on my mind
chorus
And now that I am here with you
I'll never let you go
I look into your eyes
And now I know, now I know...
chorus
- Where do broken hearts go, Whitney Houston
One stress down. 99 more to go. Lol. My finals are done. I did that exam in ten minutes. I don't dilly dally with options in a exam. I make up my mind about an answer and I stick to it. So giving me 20 multiple/true and false was madness. I wasn't the only one done quickly though. But it was a good exam. I think Imma make an A average in this class. Which is good!!
Schools over now to deal with the other stuff.
You know who it is
Oh boy Oh boy
I'm not your substitute lover (said I'm not)
Said boy I'm not your substitute lover
I know it would have been nice if i could have had your body
Knowing that everybody ain't been with you
but you told me lies you made me give my heart away
but now i know the games you play
So I'm thru with you
Oh boy oh boy
i'm not your substitute lover oh no
said boy oh boy i'm not your substitute lover oh no
you know theres gonna be a fight if these chicks keep calling you at night
i see that text your tryin to hide see i know the truth
must be outta your mind you thought you'd never see the day
you thought id let a player play but imma upgrade you, listen boy
Oh boy oh boy
i'm not your substitute lover oh no
said boy oh boy i'm not your sub lover oh no
See theres not much you can say
he said hes done changed and i finished today
cus i cant do it no more i will be there when you call
so you besta move on (move on)
because i couldn't be your substitute no more
listen,i see you called out my name like i I going outta fashion and
turn around and act like nothing aint happen like
nah, nothing's cracking, only when u need a chick,
only when you think about this hotness you get the itch
that's when you get the itch, baby let me be your bitch
boy who you think this is, bad gyul nuh tek this!
acting like a little boy, have me like a decoy
you need to grow a couple boy, you ent get nothing boy
Oh boy oh boy
i'm not your substitute lover oh no
said boy oh boy i'm not your sub lover oh no
- No Substitute Love, Estelle
Ever had one? Everybody probably did at some point of their life at some level. Me? I have had a few ranging from little crush ones to huge one involving the police.
My first stalker was at age 10 or 11. I think I was in first year of High School. Here I was little ole me enjoying life as a child. Fully engrossed in my activities. Participating in anything that came my way. My mother insisted on keeping me busy. I wonder why? Anyway I was a contestant in Hazel Ward Redman's twelve and under and we were causing quite a stir. The 2 girls from Tobago. *rolleyes*. A few shows before the wrap up of that series the phone rings and there's someone from the show asking to talk to me about whatever. My parents give me the phone, cause they know I can talk, but they stay on the other line. Uhm why this "worker" asking me about my breast? So yunno that my mom went crazy one time. So an investigation pursued. The channel was called. Nobody knows who thsi person is. He calls again. And calls again this time pretending to be a police man asking what we were doing about the incident. For me this incident was nothing. I continued with my wild self involved with watchful eyes in things as normal. In fact I never really knew the severity of the situation until my cousin sent me a letter asking me if i was ok cause her mom told her what happened. I was like, it was that serious? lol. I didn't even have breasts then and was probably a size -2. Eww.
The rest of High School stalkers were the usual boys having crushes. In college though, hmm, I had one that was like EVERYWHERE I turned. And he thought he was cute too with it. He stalked for almost a year. The thing was we had so many mutual friends in common it was sometimes hard to avoid. I changed my email address because of him. That worked, especially when I moved. Now, he's found me on facebook. He sent an invite and it wasn't his real name steups. The stalking tactics hasn't started yet though and it had better not.
Ive been up re reading my Bio things as I get ready for my final in 2 hours. Everybody who knows me knows i H A T E Biology in any form. So the good luck calls this morning were very helpful and funny and reassuring. But jeez man, suppose was the bar exam they would have a party for me?? Hahaha... well have me in your prayers. By the time most of you read this I will probably be out of there though. I hope I don't tank this, I already have an A in this class. BUT I HATE EXAMS!!
"We must be willing to get rid of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us."
--- Joseph Campbell
I concede defeat. I have failed miserably on this mission. I am wounded, tired, sore. This mission is on it's last breathe, as I am. The other side has won.
Last night was another sleepless night. 2.42 am and I was up. But I was stressed out. My mind has been doing about 15,000 somersaults a minute. Sleep has not been an option. Atleast the night before I got 2 hours.
I was up and looking at television. John and Kate plus 8. Lmao. My gosh I give all props to that family. They have eight kids. Two sets of multiples. A twin and sextuplets. Ages 6 and 3. There is no end of drama and being hectic in that house. Added to that, Kate the mother is easily excited, but I guess with 8 kids who wont be.
As expected, the kids have varying personalities. The parents have to also come up with varying ways to keep them occupied. You should see them try to get dressed for church. Or their trip to Disneyland. What draws me to this show here though is that you can see the love with kids. The true meaning. Unconditional too. It's really encouraging. Ha!! I wonder if play dough sells them in Toys R Us yet?
I have such a big mouth. Lol. No I am not a tattle tale, I just tell people around me everything that's going on with me. From the most important happenings in my life to the most arbitrary I painted my toe nail green moment. It comes so easily. I realise though that I don't get told anything. Even important things. Am I weird then? Are you not suppose to share things that are going on with you? Good, bad and in between? So I have decided to stop being so open. It's been hard though. Have a few nicks on my tongue from biting it. By habit I just say stuff, so now I have to check myself. I not saying things to people and then I don't find things out at all or if I do it is at the last minute or after teh fact or not at all. Uh uh. Not fair!!
People are always quick to question me The way I do things. The why I do things. Why? Seems to be a problem with me and things. And I'm not even talking about things I do that MAY affect other people. I'm talking about personal things that affects no in in a negative way. Not even the doer. Different strokes for different folks. Some people think that once something is not what what they want to do, not their style, then it's wrong, or they must question it. What happened to variety? What annoys me about it though really, is that I don't question a soul. If that's your style, your way, then so be it. IF everybody did everything the same way the world would be a boring one. If you don't like it, but it's not hindering or hurting you in anyway then why are you fussing? Some people just need to find things to do.
You ever been so pissed you can't talk?? That's me today. I have resorted to short answers cause attempting to form longer sentences will result in me blowing my top! So today I shall be speechless!!
There are so many websites out now taking pictures. It's like flash flash everywhere when you go out. Sometimes you're not even the subject of the picture but you're in it. So people have to be very careful. You say you going one place and you end up somewhere else. Or you leave your significant other home and yuh in a pic in the corner with some other chick. Hmmm... Lmao. Yuh never know.
*Exits singing "Who the Hell is Kim"??*
Oh *reenters* My mantra is now "Let's see what happens"
*Exits*
Well not I've got it but there's one on me. I'm oblivious to these things but apparently people around me got that vibe before. And this is not someone I hang out with physically all the time. It's an online buddy. So he's like why are you always home and online? You're so pretty and smart? I think you would have a cricket bat beating the men off. *smile* Yunno I have wanted to take you out for the longest while. Not just take you out for one dinner but, *silence*
My thing then signs out. *Akward* This is new to me I. Lmao. Not my type though. But everybody knows I won't say no to dinner. lol
Country music is the shiznit. I just ran into Phil Vassar watching Origins on VH1. His album "Prayer of a Common Man" is good. This is my fav song at the moment on there now though.
I know we're broken
I can feel the pain
Million words unspoken
But your eyes say everything
You say it's over
Wanna be my friend
If I could reach inside your heart
I'd make you mine again
It doesn't really matter
Who's wrong or right
Baby just pretend
Until the morning light
Chorus
Let me love you tonight
One more time
Maybe I can find
A way to change your mind
Let me love you tonight
It's alright
I'll take what I can borrow
Baby you can leave tomorrow
But let me love you tonight
Who said it was easy
To be you with me
It's gonna hurt believe me
But I have to set you free
Just for a moment
Let's put away the blame
Close your eyes and remember
When I was your everything
I know tonight
Is surely gonna end
So hold me in your arms
And make love to me till then
Chorus
Let me love you tonight
One more time
And maybe I can find
A way to change your mind
Let me love you tonight
It's alright
I'll take what I can borrow
Baby you can leave tomorrow
Let me love you tonight
Give me a break
For old times sake
And maybe baby you might wanna stay
Chorus
Let me love you tonight
One more time
And maybe I can find
A way to change your mind
Let me love you tonight
It's alright
I'll take what I can borrow
Baby you can leave tomorrow
Let me love you tonight
Let me love you tonight
I can feel the pain
Million words unspoken
But your eyes say everything
You say it's over
Wanna be my friend
If I could reach inside your heart
I'd make you mine again
It doesn't really matter
Who's wrong or right
Baby just pretend
Until the morning light
Chorus
Let me love you tonight
One more time
Maybe I can find
A way to change your mind
Let me love you tonight
It's alright
I'll take what I can borrow
Baby you can leave tomorrow
But let me love you tonight
Who said it was easy
To be you with me
It's gonna hurt believe me
But I have to set you free
Just for a moment
Let's put away the blame
Close your eyes and remember
When I was your everything
I know tonight
Is surely gonna end
So hold me in your arms
And make love to me till then
Chorus
Let me love you tonight
One more time
And maybe I can find
A way to change your mind
Let me love you tonight
It's alright
I'll take what I can borrow
Baby you can leave tomorrow
Let me love you tonight
Give me a break
For old times sake
And maybe baby you might wanna stay
Chorus
Let me love you tonight
One more time
And maybe I can find
A way to change your mind
Let me love you tonight
It's alright
I'll take what I can borrow
Baby you can leave tomorrow
Let me love you tonight
Let me love you tonight
- Let me Love you Tonight, Phil Vassar, Prayer of a common man.
You want me to do something, bribe me? What you have to use?
1. Food
2. Shoes
3. Electronics
4. Roti (dais nuh food too?)
5. Ticket to somewhere
6. Some Baileys or cocktail
7. Makeup
8. Cash
9. Top Chef Dvd (that have to do with food don't?)
10. A car
Did I mention that I was told I was no fun? That I am left at home because there are people who are funner than me? lol (I know it is not a word, but it fits in). Apparently I am a vibes killer I guess. My friends think I am fun, I think. My ex boyfriends thought I was fun. Shoot they still think I am fun. What happened? I guess I changed and became an unfun person who's main goal is to spoil everybody else's fun. Yea me!!
You can't know who I am by just looking at my hair, so why you think you can know what I'm saying by just reading the first lines of what I say?
People fail to realize that in order to keep people in their lives they have to work to keep them. The same way they worked to get them into your life is the same way you have to work to keep them. Treating people with disregard doesn't say much as to what you think about them and what they mean to you.
Relationships are all about giving and getting. If one party makes accommodations for you. They go out of their way to make sure that you are happy, have experiences as a Friend they expect you to at least attempt to do the same. Nobody likes to give and not get in return. It's unfair, especially when the relationship is supposed to be an equal one.
It gets really tired when someone attempts to go out of their way to do things, and the other person just knocks them down. Failed attempts are not just disappointing but disrespectful of the relationship. The same way you expect your friend/boyfriend/girlfriend/mother/father to be good to you, you have to be good to them. That's what relationships are all about. Good ones. Healthy ones.
It's about the sacrifices made. And people appreciating that you made that sacrifice and wanting to return the favour because they know you will sacrifice for them as a friend. So if you realize one day that nobody wants to do anything for you just because, cause they would be people who want to do because they want something, it's probably because you had no respect for the relationship they were in with you!!
If I ever get married I think this has to be played sometime in the ceremony. It's such a reflection of what I want. Just want people to think with their heart. I can't play this in the reception though. The reception is going to just be feting music
I am ready for love
Why are you hiding from me
I'd quickly give my freedom
To be held in your captivity
I am ready for love
All of the joy and the pain
And all the time that it takes
Just to stay in your good grace
Lately I've been thinking
Maybe you're not ready for me
Maybe you think I need to learn maturity
They say watch what you ask for
Cause you might receive
But if you ask me tomorrow
I'll say the same thing
I am ready for love
Would you please lend me your ear?
I promise I won't complain
I just need you to acknowledge I am here
If you give me half a chance
I'll prove this to you
I will be patient, kind, faithful and true
To a man who loves music
A man who loves art
Respect's the spirit world
And thinks with his heart
I am ready for love
If you'll take me in your hands
I will learn what you teach
And do the best that I can
I am ready for love
Here with an offering of
My voice
My Eyes
My soul
My mind
Tell me what is enough
To prove I am ready for love
I am ready
Why are you hiding from me
I'd quickly give my freedom
To be held in your captivity
I am ready for love
All of the joy and the pain
And all the time that it takes
Just to stay in your good grace
Lately I've been thinking
Maybe you're not ready for me
Maybe you think I need to learn maturity
They say watch what you ask for
Cause you might receive
But if you ask me tomorrow
I'll say the same thing
I am ready for love
Would you please lend me your ear?
I promise I won't complain
I just need you to acknowledge I am here
If you give me half a chance
I'll prove this to you
I will be patient, kind, faithful and true
To a man who loves music
A man who loves art
Respect's the spirit world
And thinks with his heart
I am ready for love
If you'll take me in your hands
I will learn what you teach
And do the best that I can
I am ready for love
Here with an offering of
My voice
My Eyes
My soul
My mind
Tell me what is enough
To prove I am ready for love
I am ready
- Ready for Love, India Arie
Blogger: This thing has become my personal diary. I have so many unpublished posts on here. lol. Some of the things, if I published, would cause a Jihad. And with some people it's just not worth it. But blogger has kept my company on a lot of lonely nights/mornings and has never broken my heart. Well this one time I posted this long ass post and then it decided to error out. Boy was I pissed. But I got over that and it has been very good to me. Listens well, does everything I say (most of the times) and takes my abuse.
My Internet Friends: Without these people I may have already committed suicide. Now they have been my company on lonely nights and days. I think I have learned so much about these people who take the time out to check on me. We've created a bond even though it's separated by distance. They've listened to my rants, encouraged me, complimented me (I think I won best online smile! and Most likely to be married by 25! I am 29yrs old) , and assisted with my homework. When I'm up at 2am someone is cussing me to go back to bed. I have heard stories, shared stories, shared laughs, cries with these people who have a choice in chatting with me. So thanks to Herc, Anthony, Ali, Dwight, Piggylou (don't even ask), Nessa. You all help me out a lot. Thank you.
My Tobago Friends: Who have had no choice to take my tear filled collect calls at what hours of the night. lol. Who have continuously stayed encouraging me through all the bullshit, depressions, anxieties and accomplishments. Who have continued to text me at weird hours in the morning asking me if I want to go out, if I want cake, or if I see their whatyahmacallit. Who have followed orders to a tee, well some of them, and others do as normal and ignore me. I must say that I did treat them not as gratefully as I could in the past few months, actually past year that I was home, and they have continued to love and appreciate me and for that I love them even more. Well some of them, others still get on my last nerve.
My Parents: My mom who has a little bit more bad mind then I have and as such has done sooo much for me. Without my parents at this point I dunno where I would be. Actually I would still be in Tobago teaching. lol But I thank them for encouraging me to take this step with my education and for the continued support. Now to get them onto "Project Freedom" without a hassle. lol
My Kids: Who misses me more than anybody else and calls me everyday to ask me about their homework and what I'm doing. And they love the fact that I now have homework to do myself. No I don't have kids personally but I taught at a school for 4 years and have adopted over 400 kids as my own. Tiring it is. Ive had to remember these names, some of them having the same name different pronunciation. I have had to remember all these personalities. We've had our good day, bad days, really bad days and "you're about to make me loose my job" days. But I love them all.
Facebook: Or macco book. I have found some old friends on there that has allowed me to catch up greatly on their lives. My high school class has basically all come back together thanks to this site. No thanks though to the fact that it has taken up a lot of my time. I honestly think that they put some kind of chemical on the site that people fiend for.
Lyfe: 2008 personally has not been a great year for me. I've had a lot of battles and I am still continuing to. I think unnecessarily but ... Professionally aka school wise it has been GREAT. And I'm praying that the great continues so that my Masters could probably be done in Dubai. :) Regardless of the BS going on I am truly grateful. I have life, I have shelter, I have family and I have sense lol. Somethings a lot of people don't have and wish they have. I need to stop dwelling on the bad situations for so long, cause honestly it's not even worth it if the negative is taking up all my time. And that's not just the aspect of dwelling but also the aspect of them actually happening.
Thanks!!
My Internet Friends: Without these people I may have already committed suicide. Now they have been my company on lonely nights and days. I think I have learned so much about these people who take the time out to check on me. We've created a bond even though it's separated by distance. They've listened to my rants, encouraged me, complimented me (I think I won best online smile! and Most likely to be married by 25! I am 29yrs old) , and assisted with my homework. When I'm up at 2am someone is cussing me to go back to bed. I have heard stories, shared stories, shared laughs, cries with these people who have a choice in chatting with me. So thanks to Herc, Anthony, Ali, Dwight, Piggylou (don't even ask), Nessa. You all help me out a lot. Thank you.
My Tobago Friends: Who have had no choice to take my tear filled collect calls at what hours of the night. lol. Who have continuously stayed encouraging me through all the bullshit, depressions, anxieties and accomplishments. Who have continued to text me at weird hours in the morning asking me if I want to go out, if I want cake, or if I see their whatyahmacallit. Who have followed orders to a tee, well some of them, and others do as normal and ignore me. I must say that I did treat them not as gratefully as I could in the past few months, actually past year that I was home, and they have continued to love and appreciate me and for that I love them even more. Well some of them, others still get on my last nerve.
My Parents: My mom who has a little bit more bad mind then I have and as such has done sooo much for me. Without my parents at this point I dunno where I would be. Actually I would still be in Tobago teaching. lol But I thank them for encouraging me to take this step with my education and for the continued support. Now to get them onto "Project Freedom" without a hassle. lol
My Kids: Who misses me more than anybody else and calls me everyday to ask me about their homework and what I'm doing. And they love the fact that I now have homework to do myself. No I don't have kids personally but I taught at a school for 4 years and have adopted over 400 kids as my own. Tiring it is. Ive had to remember these names, some of them having the same name different pronunciation. I have had to remember all these personalities. We've had our good day, bad days, really bad days and "you're about to make me loose my job" days. But I love them all.
Facebook: Or macco book. I have found some old friends on there that has allowed me to catch up greatly on their lives. My high school class has basically all come back together thanks to this site. No thanks though to the fact that it has taken up a lot of my time. I honestly think that they put some kind of chemical on the site that people fiend for.
Lyfe: 2008 personally has not been a great year for me. I've had a lot of battles and I am still continuing to. I think unnecessarily but ... Professionally aka school wise it has been GREAT. And I'm praying that the great continues so that my Masters could probably be done in Dubai. :) Regardless of the BS going on I am truly grateful. I have life, I have shelter, I have family and I have sense lol. Somethings a lot of people don't have and wish they have. I need to stop dwelling on the bad situations for so long, cause honestly it's not even worth it if the negative is taking up all my time. And that's not just the aspect of dwelling but also the aspect of them actually happening.
Thanks!!
Really I do. And I hate when people try to bullshit me. I do. I do. I don't take it too lightly the fact that some people just do things or say things so that I can shut up. What you think you're fooling me pretending to understand? Steups. It's wasting time and just making me hate the ways of some people and when that starts, know that they won't be any looking back for me.
It's the worse thing to try to set a life and the people who are around you in that life feeding you shit. It's hard. You realize that you have probably wasted some precious time that you could have been focusing on something or someone else who could have been a bit more thankful and appreciative and not into the bullshit.
At this point it's already done and you can just hope that you can get past the shit and move on.
At this point it's already done and you can just hope that you can get past the shit and move on.
I have this Love/Hate relationship with my island. I hated being there at one point for reasons I now see were a bit exaggerated. They love me there and love outweighs hate any day lol.
This week is technically done for me. It's memorial weekend here and I somehow see it's going to be just a typical weekend for me. Doing nothing. Exciting isn't it? But I think that my weekends like this gonna be soon over, well at least for a little while. I'm heading home. Yeaaa!! Yea I've decided that it's best to spend my "summer" break from school AT HOME in Tobago. Where my mommy will cook for me, and I'll take over the cars. lol. I told a few I may be coming and plans start to make. Atleast I know my weekends will be busy. Also have a potential job lined up, so money will also be made. Yeaaa!! That money will go towards a special project called "Project Freedom" that I hope works out. I think I need this trip. I know I need this trip. I need to recollect myself. I have somethings issues I need to deal with.
My count down has begun to fun in the sun/heat.
This week is technically done for me. It's memorial weekend here and I somehow see it's going to be just a typical weekend for me. Doing nothing. Exciting isn't it? But I think that my weekends like this gonna be soon over, well at least for a little while. I'm heading home. Yeaaa!! Yea I've decided that it's best to spend my "summer" break from school AT HOME in Tobago. Where my mommy will cook for me, and I'll take over the cars. lol. I told a few I may be coming and plans start to make. Atleast I know my weekends will be busy. Also have a potential job lined up, so money will also be made. Yeaaa!! That money will go towards a special project called "Project Freedom" that I hope works out. I think I need this trip. I know I need this trip. I need to recollect myself. I have somethings issues I need to deal with.
My count down has begun to fun in the sun/heat.
I have been an avid drinker of Hennessey and Red bull. Booze and Energy drink. I found that it allowed me to consume alcohol and not be hung over the next morning. It did give my stomach some competition if i consumed a lot. But they don't use that much red bull in the mix anyway. I remember one time in college it was finals time, and the energy drink was still fresh on the market. I had a friend consume 5 of them in our studying binge so that he could study go to the exam and be up. He was up alright. Two days after. Nothing was making him sleep.
Word has been said that the mixing of the two is dangerous. They say a lot of stuff dangerous don't? Now they are so many instances of deaths due to these mixes allegedly. Instance 1, Instance 2 and most recent Instance 3.
Research has shown that:
Research has shown that:
Mixing powerful stimulants contained in some energy drinks with depressants in alcohol could cause cardiopulmonary or cardiovascular failures, said David Pearson, a researcher in the Human Performance Laboratory.- Science Daily
High levels of caffeine can boost heart rate and blood pressure, causing palpitations, according to National Institute of Health. Mixing these drinks with alcohol further increases the risk of heart rhythm problems.
"Energy drinks have a lot of stimulants in them like ginseng and taurine, while alcohol is a depressant so by mixing the two you're sending mixed messages to your nervous system which can cause cardiac related problems," Clarke said.
- postdam.edu
Scary. Even scarier that these kids are over drinking and dying. One girl it was her first drink. So I wonder what's going to be my new drink now! Mojitos anyone?
It was just one of those days yunno. When you just get an antsy feeling that things going to be a little off today. I got up late. Infact I didn't even want to get up actually. I was thinking of all the reasons I should not get up and go to class. But I had my paper to hand in and my review sheet to collect. Ugh. I got up. LATE! Then I had to get alternate transport which I hadn't catered for and was even later. I walked in class and Mr. Can't Say Vagina stops so that I can walk all the way to the back. I love you too Dr. Cecoli. But I wasn't the only late one...lol. Actually there were only 10 people in class, so there. Ten minutes later I'm yawning and he's watching me like "you just got here". Ten minutes later he sends us on break. lol. He also returns our homework and gives me a wink as he says Renee. A+ baby!! Now to pass that dam final next week.
He let's us out early. Not bad. Ugh... gas light is on. Steups. I'm trying to get home before the car shuts down. I move into the left lane, vosh, SHIT, Highway patrol. It doesn't even make sense mashing breaks. I would have killed myself trying to stop. I pull over. He doesn't even put his lights on. Vooosh. F;ys by. Yea. Today is my lucky day. I exit off the free way though just incase he got confused with the colour car and decides to make a "tack back".
I get home. No gas put in. Yea!! Phone rings, "Can you...?". What? I just got in yo! Arrggh. And the place is soo hot. So I have to redress and head back out. When I reach my destination I forget all the information at home. Arrggh. Good thing I can talk my way into a free party. :)
But I'm back home. And it's raining cats and dogs. And I'm just heading to bed. It's calmer there. And I can speed there and get no tickets. lol
I get home. No gas put in. Yea!! Phone rings, "Can you...?". What? I just got in yo! Arrggh. And the place is soo hot. So I have to redress and head back out. When I reach my destination I forget all the information at home. Arrggh. Good thing I can talk my way into a free party. :)
But I'm back home. And it's raining cats and dogs. And I'm just heading to bed. It's calmer there. And I can speed there and get no tickets. lol
- Have lost trust in things I put so much trust into?
- Don't people appreciate me for who I am?
- Do I even bother to brush my teeth? As soon as I'm done I go looking for something to eat anyway.
- Have I become such an emotional person. I never gave a dam before. Now when I give a dam I just keep getting hurt.
- Do I eat so much? No seriously. I bought a loaf of bread on Sunday, today is Wednesday and there's only four slices left. And nobody else eats that bread.
- Can't I seem to just get things right?
- Is the wire on my back braces digging a hole in my cheek?
- I think I was probably Adolf Hitler in my past life. I never did anyone anything in this life so that can only explain why I have to deal with things in this life.
- Do I want to buy that top chef cook book?
- Am I obsessed with eyeshadow?
- Do I continue to doubt myself?
- This macco does come on mi blog then go ask my sister questions? Lol
- Why can't I just get everybody I love and who loves me back all in one place?
- Can't I become an FBI agent now?
- Does my elbow hurt when it touches something but when I touch it, there's no pain?
- Don't I go to sleep... I have class early in the morning.
Can we say PAIN? The first pangs started at about 5.30 this evening. at 8.48 it's close to jabbing and it will only get worse. Having ovarian cysts isn't a walk in the park. Having Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) is worse. These little cysts erupt when they want to, or are aggravated, and are the WORSE experience of pain. I remember one time it erupted I passed out from the pain. I woken up from the bathroom floor by my sister's dog. I then had to crawl to my phone to call her to take me to the hospital. Where I sat in pain for 8 hours. I never knew there was pain like this. And I have always had really extremely bad periods. But this pain used to paralyse me. I would have spasms. I remember gripping my sisters arm so tightly. I couldn't let go. It was like my hands were locked.
The pain right now is not that bad yet, and I hope taking meds now helps. It has never helped before but there's a first time for everything. There's no dog here to get me up this time though. So I may just be on the floor for hours.
The scary thing about these cysts though isn't just the pain. Symptoms of having ovarian cysts can include:
- pressure, fullness, or pain in the abdomen
- dull ache in the lower back and thighs
- problems passing urine completely
- pain during sexual intercourse
- weight gain
- painful menstrual periods and abnormal bleeding
- nausea or vomiting
- breast tenderness
- sudden, severe abdominal pain
- rapid breathing
I have more than half of these symptoms almost more than half of a month. Along with that my serotonin is messed up which does not help with the pain.
9.30 and the stabbing has moved to a deep poking. Why am I on here. Sleeping is impossible, lying down does not help, sitting is my only option at this moment. What other options do they have? Well there is surgery. But that isn't 100% sure. They can go in remove the scaring, burn the cysts, sew me up and I can be back in pain 2 weeks after.
So today was just a painful day!! I hope tomorrow's a better one
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Good morning. It’s a new week! A good day! Walk with an extra boost of energy. Ride the crest of the wave that extra mile! Things will play in your style if you smile! It’s all about your attitude! Goooooo get em!!!! :-)
God is Love
Rev Run
I'm loving Corrine Bailey Rae RIGHT now!!
I know what I said
Was heat of the moment
But theres a little truth in between the words we've spoken
Its a little late now to fix the heart thats broken
Please don't ask me where I'm going
Cause I don't know
No I don't know anymore
It used to feel like heaven
Used to feel like may
I used to hear those violins playing heart strings like a symphony
Now they've gone away
Nobody wants to face the truth
But you wont believe what love can do
Till it happens to you
Till it happens to you
Went to the old flat
Guess I was trying to turn the clock back
How come that nothing feels the same now when I'm with you
We used to stay up all night in the kitchen
When our love was new
Oooh love I'm a fool to believe in you
Cause I don't know
No I don't know
Anymore
It used to feel like heaven
It used to feel like may
I used to hear those violins playing heart strings like a symphony
Now they've gone away
Nobody wants to know the truth
Until their hearts broken
Don't you dare tell them
What you think to do
Till they get over
You can only learn these things
From experience
When you get older
I just wish that someone would have told me
Till it happens to you
Till it happens to you
Till it happens to you
Was heat of the moment
But theres a little truth in between the words we've spoken
Its a little late now to fix the heart thats broken
Please don't ask me where I'm going
Cause I don't know
No I don't know anymore
It used to feel like heaven
Used to feel like may
I used to hear those violins playing heart strings like a symphony
Now they've gone away
Nobody wants to face the truth
But you wont believe what love can do
Till it happens to you
Till it happens to you
Went to the old flat
Guess I was trying to turn the clock back
How come that nothing feels the same now when I'm with you
We used to stay up all night in the kitchen
When our love was new
Oooh love I'm a fool to believe in you
Cause I don't know
No I don't know
Anymore
It used to feel like heaven
It used to feel like may
I used to hear those violins playing heart strings like a symphony
Now they've gone away
Nobody wants to know the truth
Until their hearts broken
Don't you dare tell them
What you think to do
Till they get over
You can only learn these things
From experience
When you get older
I just wish that someone would have told me
Till it happens to you
Till it happens to you
Till it happens to you
- Till It Happens to you, Corrine Bailey Rae
Seriously I am. I know that's going to be hard for some of friends to think lol but Lord knows I am good. This weekend I said what I had to say. I dunno if what I said was heard but I stand by what I said... and I feel good about it.
I feel lighter and pray for continued lightness and understanding and growth.
I'm grateful for everybody in my life and I thank you for being there with me on this journey called life. Good, bad and in between experiences have made me. Some have broke me. But I'm pushing on.
I'm good. Yes surr I am. Now if only I can go shopping to show how good I am...lol
I have one holding with my two hands right now. You ever felt like there's something that has two edges that may hurt you? Regardless of how you use the knife you bleed!
I'm fighting with a sword right now. One one hand you want to know something, find out if it's true, but on the other hand you're afraid to find out. The thought that it might be a good outcome is out weighted by the anxiety and the fear of it being a bad outcome. But I want to know sooo bad. I think I'm at the stage where I need to know. A bad outcome might be able to be fixed. Might? Yes? No? Yes still weighs as heavy as the No. Yes still means there is a problem even though it can be fixed.
I'm fighting with the sword. One time I'm ready to take the plunge the next time...
Life... it can be as rewarding as it can be damaging. The fight continues.
I'm fighting with the sword. One time I'm ready to take the plunge the next time...
Life... it can be as rewarding as it can be damaging. The fight continues.
I'm holding on your rope,
Got me ten feet off the ground
I'm hearin what you say but I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down, but wait
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around, and say...
It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I'd take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But it's nothin new
I loved you with a fire red-
Now it's turning blue, and you say...
"Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid...
It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
Bridge (guitar/piano)
It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
It's too late to apologize, yeah
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah-
I'm holdin on your rope, got me ten feet off the ground...
Got me ten feet off the ground
I'm hearin what you say but I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down, but wait
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around, and say...
It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I'd take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But it's nothin new
I loved you with a fire red-
Now it's turning blue, and you say...
"Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid...
It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
Bridge (guitar/piano)
It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
It's too late to apologize, yeah
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah-
I'm holdin on your rope, got me ten feet off the ground...
- Apologize, One Republic
Everybody's looking for that something
One thing that makes it all complete
You'll find it in the strangest places
Places you never knew it could be
Some find it in the faces of their children
Some find it in their lovers eyes
Who can deny the joy it brings
When you find that special thing
You're flying without wings
[Verse 2]
Some find it sharing in every morning
Some in their solitary lives
You'll find it in the works of others
A simple line can make you laugh or cry
You'll find it in the deepest friendships
The kind you cherish all your lives
And when you know how much that means
You have found that special thing
You're flying without wings
[Bridge]
So impossible as they may seem
You've got to fight for every dream
'Cuz who's to know which one you let go
Would have made you complete
[Verse 3]
But for me it's waking up beside you
To watch the sun rise on your face
To know that I can say I love you
At any given time or place
It's the little things that only I know
Those are the things that make you mine, all mine
And it's the flying without wings
'Cuz you're my special thing
I'm flying without wings
You're the place my life begins
And you'll be where it ends
I'm flying without wings
And that's the joy it brings
One thing that makes it all complete
You'll find it in the strangest places
Places you never knew it could be
Some find it in the faces of their children
Some find it in their lovers eyes
Who can deny the joy it brings
When you find that special thing
You're flying without wings
[Verse 2]
Some find it sharing in every morning
Some in their solitary lives
You'll find it in the works of others
A simple line can make you laugh or cry
You'll find it in the deepest friendships
The kind you cherish all your lives
And when you know how much that means
You have found that special thing
You're flying without wings
[Bridge]
So impossible as they may seem
You've got to fight for every dream
'Cuz who's to know which one you let go
Would have made you complete
[Verse 3]
But for me it's waking up beside you
To watch the sun rise on your face
To know that I can say I love you
At any given time or place
It's the little things that only I know
Those are the things that make you mine, all mine
And it's the flying without wings
'Cuz you're my special thing
I'm flying without wings
You're the place my life begins
And you'll be where it ends
I'm flying without wings
And that's the joy it brings
I'm flying without wings
I am a music lover. I have a wide range of music that I listen to. My dad is a dj and a lot of people in my life are or have been involved in music. I love it. It has taken my through and past so many situations. It weird what some words and a beat can do. Take you from a pit to a high. Soca music takes me to a place that cannot be explained. I HIGH that nothing else has been able to take me to. R&B, Soul have healed my wounds, helped me plot my revenges. They have allowed me to look at who I am and with the help of someone else's experience explain it to the world. I love music. I am always on the look out for new people, new music, new sounds. Today I got Estelle's album shine. I'm in love again.
Born in West London to Senegalese and Grenadian parents, she runs her own record label dubbed Stellar Ents. People may know her ever popular American Boy with Kanye West. Her whole album is great. A Londoner with a New York Beat. I'm loving her reggae mixes with the pop and R&B. I especially like "So Much out the Way" for the upbeat hits and the You Are with John Legend. Yes she has a bevy of artist on her album, Will.I.Am, Kanye, John, Cee-Lo.
You can learn more about Estelle on her website: Estelle Music
That's the sound my stomach is making at 2.11 am. I ate a light snack at 7 pm and my stomach aint too happy about that. So it's attacking me. I mean attacking. Not just the noises, my head hurts I feel weak. Steups. And I could have eaten yunno. But I didn't instead I'm here about to pass out and if I do nobody will know.
*faints*
Leh me go eat another yogurt. That should keep me till morning.
*Waits to hear from the friends on this one...lol*
I am soooo tired...
Tired of laughing
Tired of trying
Tired of crying, cringing, always, always hurting.I am such a good actress that no one
Knows when I'm joking
No one knows the real me
I'm always pretending
Always trying to be.
Right now I'm weary
I have lost all my tears
All my fears... Not!
They have not dissipated
They have just been covered
By the glamour, the glitter ... the pain
Who am I?
What am I?
Nobody takes me for who I really am
Everybody wants me to be their actress
Everybody wants to be the Director of the show
But haven't I progressed enough to become my own?
Haven't I earned the role?
Time is passing and I haven't gotten old
No longer do I have the energy to fight
To let you know that I need to be acknowledged for who I AM
Not what you see, or hope for me to be
No longer do I think it is possible to defend
I have given up ...
And it hurts.
I was rewarded, but
Complacency was not one of my goals
But I have accepted it with all the glamour and glitter that accompanies it
Will I, the weary one, be able to go on...
How would you ever know?
I have been acting all my life, haven't I?
But I don't think I can go on...
Right now I am just tired. SIGH!!
"I wish you could step back from that ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies that you've been living in
And if u do not want to see me again
I would understand" - Third Eye Blind
You could cut ties with all the lies that you've been living in
And if u do not want to see me again
I would understand" - Third Eye Blind
It may seem like my Carnival 2k9 dreams are whittling away. After a quiet 2k8 filled with anxious envy, anger and guilt I made plans that 2k9 was NOT missing me. Regardless of what. I had already said that I would be on a huge saving binge for costumes, plane tickets, fete tickets. I was going to make sure that I didn't miss the greatest show on earth again.
I am a carnival baby. Not born in November but attached to carnival like it was my mother. I love from one carnival to the next. The one time everyone knows that I am in full form is the periods leading up to the season and in the season itself. I had already rallied up the troupes. Being the ultimate planner that I am, or as my friend says, the ultimate Bosser, I had already started a "group" so that we could decide on things, organized 2 options for accommodations already, was already asking around about someone for transport and making a list of fetes to hit and NOT hit. Planning was in full swing.
But I'm not sure if it's going to happen this time. And a part of me is disappointed. That was the one thing I know would free me of everything that may be holding me back. If just for a week. I would be fully engrossed in getting things ready that everything else (but my school work) would just be shoved in the back for another time. I would be on a high that nothing or no one would be able to take me off of. With the cost of gas though, ticket prices would be killer, costume prices already high would be higher. Fete tickets? Oh my gosh!!
Plus I'm leaning towards making a big trip next year after I finish with my degree. A trip to celebrate my year of stress and hard work and a release before I hopefully step into my master's program. My first option was to head to Japan. They have the best technological fairs and it would be totally something new for me to explore. Plus I love Asian food, I might find an Asian sugar daddy to cook for me, lol. My other option is to head to France for 2 weeks. Well not just France but also it's environs. I've never been to that part of the world and have always wanted to venture to that side.
The cost of doing carnival and an option is not possible and I need to choose. I've played mas for the past 4 years and it doesn't change. The costumes may but the experience is basically the same. So if I miss it this year and make it back the next year it's still there. Time for new experiences you don't think?
But Carnival isn't the only dream that may be fluttering for me. 2009 promised to hold some life changing moments that I don't think will be happening anytime soon if at all. Strange!
But I'm not sure if it's going to happen this time. And a part of me is disappointed. That was the one thing I know would free me of everything that may be holding me back. If just for a week. I would be fully engrossed in getting things ready that everything else (but my school work) would just be shoved in the back for another time. I would be on a high that nothing or no one would be able to take me off of. With the cost of gas though, ticket prices would be killer, costume prices already high would be higher. Fete tickets? Oh my gosh!!
Plus I'm leaning towards making a big trip next year after I finish with my degree. A trip to celebrate my year of stress and hard work and a release before I hopefully step into my master's program. My first option was to head to Japan. They have the best technological fairs and it would be totally something new for me to explore. Plus I love Asian food, I might find an Asian sugar daddy to cook for me, lol. My other option is to head to France for 2 weeks. Well not just France but also it's environs. I've never been to that part of the world and have always wanted to venture to that side.
The cost of doing carnival and an option is not possible and I need to choose. I've played mas for the past 4 years and it doesn't change. The costumes may but the experience is basically the same. So if I miss it this year and make it back the next year it's still there. Time for new experiences you don't think?
But Carnival isn't the only dream that may be fluttering for me. 2009 promised to hold some life changing moments that I don't think will be happening anytime soon if at all. Strange!
Stepping into my life is something called Frustration. It's at the point where it seems to be trying to take my air away from me. The point where my heart is being stopped from pumping yet is being forced to pump extra hard to make me survive. This frustration is just growing and growing. I don't know where to turn, what to do. I know what I want but... I can't seem to get it. I have so many plans. I had so much expectations. I've been so disappointed that I don't know what my next step is. Or what it should be. But the frustration is growing. And it seems to be getting bigger faster than I expected. Either I learn to stop it, control it or I'm going to explode. Sigh!!
I can't think straight. I can't concentrate. My back is in knots. This frustration seems to want to take over me. I need a release!!!
Based on my previous posts, (Some facts and Some facts), I am in some big trouble. Being in these two places it's scary. Have you looked at these numbers? Do people see these numbers? Do people understand these numbers? Yet folks want to step outside and take the chance of having unprotected sex with people who they have no idea about their sexual history. Just for what? 10 mins of heat, sweat and hopefully an orgasm? Fine. Take your chances. But what about those other folks who cheat on their wives/girlfriends/husbands/boyfriends then come home and have sex with their partners? Do they think that they not just jeopardizing their lives but the lives of ours? This AIDS epidemic is NO joke.When you see numbers like these it scares you. Who can you trust? People cheat. People cheat with people they don't know about. People cheat with people they know about and don't know their status. People sleep with people who they think they know their status. Some people DON'T KNOW THEIR STATUS!!
Family friend. Is in a relationship and all is well. It's been a couple years. Things are as things are in a relationship. Good times and bad times. She's committed to the relationship. Relationship meets rut. She's committed to the relationship. Eventually they say take a break. Things getting a bit too rough. Two months later it's on. A month later she's sick. Skin scratching. Thinking it's because of a recent vacation she had takes some anitbiotics. A week later doctor calls. She has the virus. TWO weeks later partner says he had sex with a friend while they were apart. So we now have 3 adults (that we know of) with the virus. Till that time he did not know he had it. We are not sure if the friend knew she had it and where she got it from The chain continues. Who can you trust?
Another girl goes to club meets guy. He's cute. Well dressed. Buys her drinks. Pleasant. Attractive. Seems like a match. They go out another time after. This time they have oral sex. 2 months later she's HIV positive. It was just oral she says!! Uhm does she even know homeboys last name?
Do people understand that this thing kills people? Can make us extinct? Minorities are in the lead with this disease yet people are not protecting themselves and in turn are also hurting people who love and trust them. What about those men who are on the down low? They aren't exempt either. Women? Kids?
How far can you go to protect yourself? At some point, if your dreams include having a family, you will be putting your health, your life into your partners hands, and we pray that you don't draw the wrong card!!
You think HIV/AIDS numbers are bad? Wanna see the STDs/STIs statistics?
Why is it so hard to find up to date numbers for Trinidad and Tobago?
1,088,644: population (July 2005 est.)
27,000: Estimated number of people living with HIV/AIDS by the end of 20052.6%: Estimated percentage of adults (ages 15-49) living with HIV/AIDS by the end of 2005
58%: Estimated percentage of HIV cases that occurred among women (ages 15-49) by the end of 2005
Less than 1,000: Estimated number of children (ages 0-15) living with HIV/AIDS by the end of 2005
1,900: Estimated number of deaths due to AIDS during 2005
Florida
Florida Ranks third in nation in the number of persons living with AIDS.
Approximately 100,809 people, roughly 10.5% of the national total, currently live with AIDS in Florida.
Nearly half (42%) of all 2005 AIDS cases in Florida reside in Miami-Dade and Broward counties. These same 2 counties also comprise 43% of the state’s HIV cases.
People living with HIV/AIDS as of December 2005:
Miami-Dade 34,315
Broward 20,442
Miami & Fort Lauderdale
The Miami metropolitan area has the highest AIDS rates in the nation (52.8), followed by Ft. Lauderdale metropolitan area (45.8), and New York (45.4).
An estimated 29% of Miami-Dade’s population is without health insurance.
Nearly 1.5 percent of the Miami-Dade population lives with HIV or AIDS.
Almost 1 percent of the Broward County population lives with HIV or AIDS
Men who have sex with men (MSM)
In the U.S., 73% of all AIDS cases are among men.
Of the reported HIV cases among men, 67% in Miami and 74% in Fort Lauderdale are MSM.
Women
Nationwide, African American women account for the majority of new AIDS cases among women (67%).
AIDS is growing among women. In 1994, 23% of AIDS cases in Miami- Dade were among women. In 2005 that figure has increased to 31%. In Broward County, women account for 26% of HIV cases.
74% of AIDS cases among women in Miami-Dade are among African Americans. In Broward County, over 80% of new AIDS cases among women are among African Americans.
Blacks/African Americans
In 2002, HIV was the leading cause of death for African American men ages 35-39 and women ages 30-34, nationwide.
Blacks/African Americans tend to learn about their HIV status at a later stage of the disease and to postpone medical care.
79% of all pediatric AIDS cases in Florida through 2004 are among African American children.
It is estimated that approximately 1 in 50 Blacks in Broward County is living with HIV/AIDS.
While Blacks compose only 19% of the population in Miami-Dade County, they account for 56% of AIDS cases. Similarly, in Broward, Blacks compose 23% of the population and 56% of HIV/AIDS cumulative cases.
Young People
Young people aged 15–24 account for about 40% of new HIV infections among those 15 and over worldwide.
The estimates of HIV among youth may be underestimated since they do not perceive their risk of infection and are not likely to get tested or seek care.
HIV/AIDS cases increased among people 15-29 between 2001 and 2005 in the Nation.
Young people in the United States are at persistent risk for HIV infection. This risk is especially notable for youth of minority races and ethnicities.
Florida had the second highest HIV/AIDS incidence among youth 13-19 in 2004 in the US
In Miami-Dade County, there are 4,090 cumulative AIDS cases among youth 13-29 years of age and they represent 20% of the reported new HIV cases.
Out of 67 Counties within the State of Florida: Miami-Dade County rates No.1 in the number of reported HIV/AIDS cases, Broward County rates No.2 and Palm Beach County rates No.3
- http://www.careresource.org/stats.html
I was writing this yesterday when I was rudely interrupted by My so by so and she phone call.
So anyways. The past couple weeks (and I doh mean couple in the Trini sense here) have been good weeks. No drama, that I can remember, and I've been pretty happy. Well not unhappy to say the least.
I'm trying. People do things and you react. But your reaction really controls how you are going to cope. So I have been trying to not react too much. I'm trying to look past things and move on. "Trying" being the key word here. But it's hard. It's hard to move forward with your guards down when you got hurt with your guards down. It's just as hard to move on with your guards up. But I'm trying. And nobody can't ever say I didn't try. I didn't try to adjust. I didn't try to make things better for me and for everyone else. And if they do... then they will be a liar.
This is the second time that this person has called my phone. I didn't not give my number to this person, I don't know if the previous owner did, but I didn't. I have no problem with this person calling for the previous owner on the phone. Hell it ain't really MY phone. My problem is the attitude of the person.
The first time it happened there was shock on hearing my voice. Understandable. This aint the voice you accustomed hearing answering when you call. The next step is to ask for who you want no? The questions with attitude is NOT. Click. When you ready to ask for who you want and not ask me who I am you can call back.
Time #2. You know you called before and someone else answered you would prepare yourself. Nooooo. Again with this attitude like you the wife and some chick answering the phone. Or is it? Again with the attitude and the CSI shit. Again she caught me off guard.
Well I saved the number this time. As I said they not going to be no more 4 times with BS anymore cause time #3 is either you stop call or I get a new phone.
People don't call me rude for nothing!!!!
Well I saved the number this time. As I said they not going to be no more 4 times with BS anymore cause time #3 is either you stop call or I get a new phone.
People don't call me rude for nothing!!!!
NINE ways to win my heart:
* Make me laugh because I love to laugh.
* Be supportive.
* Tell me when I'm wrong and tell me when I'm right.
* Respect me.
* Stay true to your word (aka be honest)
* Compliment me!
* Be pleasant and kind.
* Be independent but remember that you also have to be dependent.
EIGHT things I want to do before I die:
* Visit Africa.
* Go on a shopping spree with a HUGE amount of money.
* Visit all 6 of the other continents.
* Run a marathon.
* Cook a five course meal from scratch.
* Do something very positve in my community.
* Get married and have kids.
* Ride a motorbike
SEVEN ways to annoy me:
* Talk about yourself all the time
* Lie.
* Be fake because you think you have to impress people.
* Eat my leftovers without asking me.
* Be selfish.
* Tell me you going to do something and you don't do it. And don't even say that you're not going to.
* Be late
SIX things I believe in:
* God
* The power of prayer.
* Love.
* Honesty
* Karma
* Food
FIVE things I'm afraid of:
* Failure
* Being broke
* Closed spaces.
* Being hurt.
* Not fulfilling my goals.
FOUR of my favorite things:
* Food
* Music.
* Friends
* Good sex.
* Trying new things. ( I know I know...but i had to add in another one)
THREE things I do everyday
* Eat
* Steups/Kiss my teeth
* Daydream about my shopping spree.. lmao
TWO things I want to do right now:
* Finish my paper.
* Have a rum and coconut water. But the rum done. Steups.
ONE person I want to see right now:
Can't pick one nah. So Imma leave this blank!!
Someone asked me today if I had one wish what would it be. I thought and thought about it. I thought of finishing school, traveling the word. I thought of all my goals that I wanted to achieve and one wish could make it happen. But after much though I wish I could just refresh my brain. Lol. Yunno like clean out all the bad things. Clear out all the bad experiences that may be hindering me from moving forward with my life. I don't mean the ones that have taught me things. Not the ones that I have used to turn into positive but the ones that I am holding onto and no allowing myself to go past. It will be like a brain zap. I think with that zap I can easily achieve ALL my goals and I will be happy. And total happiness is my one wish!!What would be your one wish??
1st time... shame on you!
2nd time... shame on me!
3rd time.... it's going to be done!
No seriously I am tired of the bullshit!! Tired of taking the shit. So yunno what they won't be a 4th time cause the next time, the next BS is going to be IT!!!
Happy Mother's Day to my mom, my sister my best friend, but always my Mom.
My mother and I have always had a very good relationship. I cannot really quickly bring to mind any situations where we have fallen out soo greatly that I wished she was not my mother. She has been my confidant, my strength, my guidance, my level head in so many situations and I thank God for the type of relationship that we have and continue to have.
My grandmother died when my mother was 4 years old. My grandfather had been blind before that and wasn't much of a caretaker to my mom and her other 9 siblings. As a result she, my aunt and 2 other uncles were shipped to my great aunt's house. The others were old enough to fend for themselves. I think my mother wanted to make sure that her presence was felt in our lives as much as her mother's was missed from hers.
She has never missed a beat with my life. I tell her everything. Well mostly...lol. The most minute incident of chipping my nail polish to the most major life changing moment, my mother has been present. She has been at my first dance class at 3, my first professional performance at 6, my first tennis lesson at 7, my national tournaments till 18. She has been to my track meets, my netball games, my fashion shows, graduations. Been my water keeper on carnival Monday and Tuesday, my banker, loaner, instigator, defense. Every time my best interest at heart. She has always been a part of any experiment I wanted to do. Encouraging me once it didn't consist of me piercing anywhere, marking anywhere or blowing up her house. When I thought I failed she showed me ways that I didn't. I may not have made my goal but she made me feel like I won the trophy.
We both have been very honest with each other. It's hard to not be when I tell her everything. (Well mostly). The things I don't tell my mother are the thngs I know she would take care of and not ask me what I want. If I had told her at 16 that my then boyfriend had cheated on me, I know that she would have resorted to finding him and dealing with him (Not that it happened but just an example lol). She has been there for me in my weakest of moments and I think so have I. We have spent a lot of time together. My cousins used to say I was her hip. Her co workers still say I am.
Don't get me wrong. We have had our share of misunderstandings. One time she decided to embarrass me in high school for some shoes. She still doesn't understand that my medication controls me a lot of times and that I can't help it. She sometimes doesn't understand that I am 29 yrs old and not her 16 yr old. We argue and make up. But we do understand that we can say how we feel about things and though we may not agree we have enough respect to understand.
I would not be who and where I am without her. I am truly happy that I have taken from her the respect, honest, courtesy that she has taught over the years. I cherish our relationship tremendously. Words cannot cover how I feel. I pray that our relationship continues in the same vein it has been going in and that one day I would be able to return the actions to my mother as she has done for me. I love you!!
Don't get me wrong. We have had our share of misunderstandings. One time she decided to embarrass me in high school for some shoes. She still doesn't understand that my medication controls me a lot of times and that I can't help it. She sometimes doesn't understand that I am 29 yrs old and not her 16 yr old. We argue and make up. But we do understand that we can say how we feel about things and though we may not agree we have enough respect to understand.
I would not be who and where I am without her. I am truly happy that I have taken from her the respect, honest, courtesy that she has taught over the years. I cherish our relationship tremendously. Words cannot cover how I feel. I pray that our relationship continues in the same vein it has been going in and that one day I would be able to return the actions to my mother as she has done for me. I love you!!
"Fight one more round. When your arms are so tired that you can hardly lift your hands to come around on guard, fight one more round. When your nose is bleeding and your eyes are black and you are so tired you wish your opponent will crack you one in the jaw and put you to sleep, fight one more round - remembering that the man who always fights one more round is never whipped!"
Sometimes I wish I had it. Well not the real version that disables your brain from functioning as best as it can. I want the movie disease that allows you to have more than one personality functioning sometimes at the best of abilities of each. Here I would be able to choose who and when I want to be. When one "life" sucks and is not functioning as I want it to I can easily switch to another life and assume that persona. It would allow me the "get away" clause. Like a suicide without the death. I could happily exist as persona 2 while persona one either just floats as is or tries while in hibernation to get her thoughts, and actions in order. But what happens if persona 2 decides it's time to run? Persona 3 or do I just have to switch without waiting? What happens if all three personas end up unhappy and wanting to run? I guess that's where the brain disables and I just hang.As I think about it Schizophrenia is probably a no. So I guess one life and no where to run is going to stay the option.
wants to walk in front of you... make sure he can look back. It shows that he is concerned and cares about your well being.
wants to walk beside you ... make sure he can look across.
wants to walk behind you... make sure you can run. Only a coward would hide behind his woman.
With the "summer" almost here and the heat already HIGH shoes for me is NOT an option. So I was very happy to see Old Navy with these purrtttyyy feet thingies that will allow breeze and air to cool my feet.
And they're all below $15. Yeaaaa
Why do some people think that they can be doing something and someone else can't be doing the same thing? They ever though that if they doing it to someone that they could be getting it done to them too? Just a thought. If people would just act with some discretion and think about others with their actions then there might be better things happening in their world. Anyways.
Today is just a bleh day. I am just lacking energy. I need some gas. As I say gas. This is total madness. This morning I left home with the gas light on. I put $15.01 into the tank and got home with the dam needle on E. What the Hell!! This is madness. Can you imagine in the next few weeks what it's going to be like. It's at some stations $3.67 already and we're in May. Imagine what airline prices are going to be like. What about around carnival time?? Scary.
With that $15.01 gone into Mr. Gas I am now officially B R O K E ! ! And it sucks. So I am now confined to my apartment watching television, doing my Homework and eating slowly so that the groceries last. Lol. Not having a job is the worse because there is no chance of atleast a little replenishment in the next pay check. Stress!! And there's somethings I need to get, let me change that to want to get.. but I guess won't till I win the lottery.
I was lucky to see my aunt yesterday for a few hours. My little cousin is hilarious. She has this project to do where she is representing Oklahoma. Anyway she needed to find out something about the layout and she did not have the information so she decided to ask her neighbour who is also her classmate.
Rahahahah... I gave her $10 to buy a souvenir on her trip on Friday. Glad she learned the rules at age 8.
So today would be bleh and this weekend would be bleher and bleher. Steups. Imma just steal some drinks from my sister's counter this weekend and make some smoothies and watch tv and imagine I'm out having a ball.
With that $15.01 gone into Mr. Gas I am now officially B R O K E ! ! And it sucks. So I am now confined to my apartment watching television, doing my Homework and eating slowly so that the groceries last. Lol. Not having a job is the worse because there is no chance of atleast a little replenishment in the next pay check. Stress!! And there's somethings I need to get, let me change that to want to get.. but I guess won't till I win the lottery.
I was lucky to see my aunt yesterday for a few hours. My little cousin is hilarious. She has this project to do where she is representing Oklahoma. Anyway she needed to find out something about the layout and she did not have the information so she decided to ask her neighbour who is also her classmate.
Cousin: Hi, how are we suppose to put the information down on the board?
Neighbour: What? For the project? Like she said on the paper.
Cousin: I know that but I can't find my paper.
Neighbour: Girls are so dumb.
Cousin: Huh? Dumb? We just pretend to be dumb so boys can think they're smart.
Rahahahah... I gave her $10 to buy a souvenir on her trip on Friday. Glad she learned the rules at age 8.
So today would be bleh and this weekend would be bleher and bleher. Steups. Imma just steal some drinks from my sister's counter this weekend and make some smoothies and watch tv and imagine I'm out having a ball.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Good morning. Start your day off right.... Think happy thoughts. The scripture says.. Guard you heart with all diligence; for out of it flows the issues of life. In other words... Whatever you are intensely emotional about you will experience in your world.
God is Love
Rev Run
Friday, May 2, 2008
Good morning. Pamper yourself! Be good to you! If you want to be treated correctly you must first treat yourself correctly!! (Remember this!) The way you treat yourself tells other people how to treat you! BE GOOD TO YOU!
God is Love
Rev Run
These go a long way! Lol. Growing up we always were complimented by our parents. It was part of our everyday schedule. You look nice was something we heard and made us feel better. We also quickly heard "you find that look good?" which indicated go change one time. But getting a compliment is always a good thing. My sister's friend always makes me feel hot when we're going out. Once I take a shower he's happy he says lmao and has never failed to say "Renee you look nice". Last night I actually got a "Renee you look really nice" lol which even though I was in a sour mood for reasons, it took me out my funk for a little while.
Arbitrary compliments from strangers are also great ego boosters. Sometimes it's scary though. The other day I'm in Walgreens and there's this guy who seems to also want to get the same things I want to get there. I go to the makeup isle here's there. I go to the candy isle he's behind me. Eventually he says, yunno I just following you right, you're sooo pretty. Ah... thanks stalker guy!! Or what about the vagrant? One time in Port Of Spain this guy says to me, If I wasn't homeless I Would make you my wife. Talk about speed for me down Charlotte Street. Well after saying thank you. Even vagrants find me cute. Lol. Saturday another guy walks into Sallys, he asks me "Do they sell things in here for guys. I just walked in here to see you. U're cute." Ah..ok thanks. No I don't give my number out sorry. I have a friend who always makes me feel like I'm the hottest thing in the room when he sees me. I think I need to make him call me every morning and let me know that I'm beautiful. Lol.
Compliments go a long way. Especially when they are genuine. So give a compliment today to someone. You just might make their day better.
Stale as the air that we breathe
There are lines being crossed that no one can see
Are we just climbing or are we just waiting to fall
Starting all over, can we handle that?
We both know that we are the same...
The roads we don't know them,
We've got no one else to blame.
This isn't turning...
This isn't turning out right.
This isn't turning...
This isn't turning out right
So save a place there for me.
I'll be back when I can find time to leave
Is this the ending?
Is this the way that we're made?
Starting all over, can we handle that?
We both know that we are the same...
The roads we don't know them,
We've got no one else to blame.
This isn't turning...
This isn't turning out right.
This isn't turning...
This isn't turning out right.
Starting all over, can we handle that?
We both know that we are the same...
The roads we don't know them,
We've got no one else to blame.
This isn't turning...
This isn't turning out right.
This isn't turning...
This isn't turning out right.
This isn't turning...
This isn't turning out right.
This isn't turning...
This isn't turning out right
- Corey Powder
Just felt like bringing back an old post!!
http://womanwize1.blogspot.com/2008/02/random-run-in.html
Have a great day folks. Have a lunch date with a friend then going to treat myself to something.. hmmm...
that I haven't slept yet?? So really I have been up for 27 hours. Ok let's say 26 hours. I really don't want to go back on sleeping aids. I think my life just needs a purge so that my mind can relax and I can get sleep. Sigh!!!
I was thinking that I may want to go home for soem time. I'm t\have no decided that Iam going home. Why stay here and wallow in depression and sadness when I could be home having a grand time with folks who really excited to get me home? School closes on the 29th of May for me and does not open until July 24th. What the heck am I staying in Florida for almost 2 months to do? Sit and watch tv all day? It will be even worse with no homework to do. I'll be home from Monday to Monday doing nothing and just be going crazy. I could be in Tobago relaxing and hanging out. I KNOW I will be out doing something every night for sure versus being here and hoping I get to go out some night. The hard thing was to convince the Mother house. But she was saying YES before I even finish say the plans. She knows how lonely I am here and I think she's just as lonely without me there. And there should be band launches too in that time. Oh lawwdd!!! Excitement. Soon I will be in full carnival mode.
So homeward bound is the plan. Now to find a decent ticket that I can pay for. Lol. These airlines now trying to kill you and since I am almost 4 weeks away I know soon I'll be paying next day prices. Spirit flying to Trindad now I better see what rates they have. And if I had thought about this earlire they had introductry prices for 5 cents a mile. One big fat steups!!!
Look at the time 4 am and I still up. I really wanted to go out tonight but that didn't work out too well. I need to make some friends. My only option of hanging out is my sister, who I prefer to hang out with more than anyone else, but if she not in the mood my chances are shot. Pathetic don't? That my only option of going out is my sister....lol. Everybody else is so so far that the drive is discouraging but I think I have to look past that else I would be spending the rest of my life inside or only go out when I'm in Tobago. So from next weekend I think Imma start to drive down to Miami and hang.
That reminds me I also need to start doing some exercise. I need to get into that "wow" body if imma be going out on the town more often. Haha... Yuh realise I need to sleep now ent!! Hahah
So I sat and thought about what my friend triggered. I came up with this:
* At 29 I need him to be mature. I'm too big to be dealing with the attitude of a 24 - 26 yr old whose main ambition is to be a rockstar.
* Needs to be charming and witty. Worse thing is a dude who can't take some picong.
* Needs to have a healthy sexual outlook. Haha...Sounds nice eh? lol...
* Has the willingness to sacrifice for each other. What is up with one person sacrificing in a relationship and the other person going on like is them alone? Steups
* Needs to be committed to me.
* Needs to know how to treat me properly. In public and in private. Some men when they get in public treat their girlfriends like some arbitrary female or even worse as a total stranger. They go out and I don't know if it's to impress the boys, make their girlfriend feel unwanted. Impressive. You would think that they would want to show their friends that the relationship is nice. But is that worse than them not carrying their girlfriends out at all?? Hmm
* Needs to want to take me out. I love going and hanging out with my mate. It doesn't have to be a party all the time. And dinner does not count. My best memories (besides carnival time) are those spent out with my boyfriend. At his house, at the beach, with his friends, at the club, at the club. Lol.
* Needs to be adventurous. I love to try new things. I will try anything once. Well except those anal plugs I saw online the other day. Eww. I hate someone to discourage me from something because they don't want to venture into the unknown.
* Needs to be encouraging and uplifting. Even though my mom and my close friends do this well I would like a mate who is happy to encourage me into achieving and not use generic quotations like "good job". WTF!! Lmao!!
* Needs to have me as a priority in his life. And I don't mean at number 3, 4 or 5. If that's the case let me be single. Then I can still be there on your list.
* Responds well under pressure. You know you see people's true colours when they under pressure. I remember one time my friend and her husband had an argument and he went out and slept with someone else. If you loved your wife then no matter how much you upset it wouldn't be so easy to go sleep with someone else.
* Needs to love me. And I don't mean telling me "I love you" 50 times a day then treating me like I from a lower sect in society. Actions speak louder than words. You can tell me anything, don't make it true.
Uhm that's all I can think of right now but I think that covers the little things that satisfies me. There's no has to be rich there. I don't need him to be handsome either. It's a plus but at this stage I think how I am treated is way better than how he looks.
She then proceeds to ask me if I think all men cheat. Yes. Do all women cheat? If men cheating why they don't think that their SOs cheating too? Hahaha... Is that a yes??
* Needs to love me. And I don't mean telling me "I love you" 50 times a day then treating me like I from a lower sect in society. Actions speak louder than words. You can tell me anything, don't make it true.
Uhm that's all I can think of right now but I think that covers the little things that satisfies me. There's no has to be rich there. I don't need him to be handsome either. It's a plus but at this stage I think how I am treated is way better than how he looks.
She then proceeds to ask me if I think all men cheat. Yes. Do all women cheat? If men cheating why they don't think that their SOs cheating too? Hahaha... Is that a yes??
I think that concept in life is become more and more null and void. I mean people don’t even think about that anymore. It is fast becoming a “let me get mine no matter” kind of society!! I wonder if they want to blame the government for that too!!
It’s simple yunno. You don’t like people talking about yuh behind yuh back, YET you the one up there discussing someone else’s business! Aint that the same thing? But on the other hand, folks still gonna talk yuh if you ent talking dem!! But, if you like people to be helpful to you, yuh don’t think you may need to be helpful to them too? Everybody wants to go with “An eye for an eye” concept. I don’t mind that at all. But who ever said that concept was meant for evil alone. Yuh wipe my eye, I wipe yours as punishment (or in return, for the people with the more positive outlook).
For the past while, I’ve honestly been trying to “do unto others…”, but the others been trying to bugger me with a old, rusty broom stick. (Had to edit that due to the fact that I can't get banned from blogger too... lol) And yunno what??? I don’t appreciate it!! So what now? I just don’t do or I switch to the evil eye for eye?? It’s hard though that people can’t even try to repay a good deed/favour with another one!! That the concept of continuous loyalty is no longer possible!! Sigh!!!
So everybody says I'm picky. I would never get married or be in a very serious relationship because 1. I'm strong minded and opinionated and 2. I'm picky. I think they may be other reasons why I won't get married or be in a very serious relationship but I won't say what those other reasons are. Yes I am strong minded aka stubborn but that doesn't stop me from loving someone and compromising. Infact looking back on my relationships I have compromised a lot and some of them never wanted to. The concept of being with someone and having to adjust for them too was not a point my significant others understood. Don't know if they ever will. Ok I straying. I am picky? Uhm I guess but not as picky as most people and that's where I think the problem is. I am sooo simple people don't understand that I just need the little things to get by. They don't see that and try to go past and make the big things happen, leave the little things and PISS ME THE HELL OFF!! :) (Oh I have a temper just so you know).
A friend and I were talking. She's saying that people like us *skin up face* should be in good relationships yunno. And be happy for the most part and comfortable. "We" shouldn't be in relationships where we're unsure and fighting to maintain. Relationships where we feel like we competing with everything else and other females. We shouldn't be in the type of relationship where we have to lower who we are and our expectations. So I was patiently waitin on a definition of "we". We nah, females who have their head on, are willing to commit to a man, I mean male, and work and grow with that male as best as you can. Females who are ambitious and loving and faithful. Oh Ok! "We" should be considered a good catch by these men, steups, males, and they should not be "stepping out". Alrighty then. She then proceeds to send me this quiz. The What you look for in a mate Test. My results:
There was also a "How gay are you" quiz there but I didn't do it. lol. But what de heck does 0 Sexuality mean? haha!! I can find a few that disagrees. But yunno that this stupid online test actually randomly picked my right generic description. As long as I'm smiling I'm good. And the sour part, no comment.A friend and I were talking. She's saying that people like us *skin up face* should be in good relationships yunno. And be happy for the most part and comfortable. "We" shouldn't be in relationships where we're unsure and fighting to maintain. Relationships where we feel like we competing with everything else and other females. We shouldn't be in the type of relationship where we have to lower who we are and our expectations. So I was patiently waitin on a definition of "we". We nah, females who have their head on, are willing to commit to a man, I mean male, and work and grow with that male as best as you can. Females who are ambitious and loving and faithful. Oh Ok! "We" should be considered a good catch by these men, steups, males, and they should not be "stepping out". Alrighty then. She then proceeds to send me this quiz. The What you look for in a mate Test. My results:
Your Score: The CharmerYou scored 5 Style, 3 Substance, 0 Sexuality, and 2 Finance!
You want someone who's witty, bold, and entertaining! As long as they can make you smile, they've got the key to your heart and your pants! Someday though, things are going to go sour. Just warning you.
But she had me thinking. Really what do I want in a mate?
About Me
- Drunk or Sober Mind yuh Bizness
- Florida, United States
- Social misfit who just loves eating!!
My Blog List
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Love this song!5 years ago
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Voice - Smile - Dais We6 years ago
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